May All Your Bacon Burn

a third of a jar of j sounds about right. Can skip the bread part if space is a constraint

 

Back on topic:
May you discover a fire-ant hill while walking barefoot.

 

May you fall in love with a "free-to-play" game that wants all your money.

 

May you get a bug bite in a place that's socially unacceptable to scratch in public.

 

A plague of glitter upon you.
#herpes of craft supplies

 

May all your eyeliners be inexplicably unsharpenable or dried out.

 

may you twist your knitting when joining in the round and not realize it

 

May your shoes have ghost rocks in them that you can't get out.

 

@ the two guye who tried to break into my fucking house a couple of hours ago: May your trousers always be too tight and your shoes pinch.

 

May every good parking spot you see contain a Smart car.

 

May your neighbors be loud when you want to sleep.

 

(Best used on the unpleasantly conservative, otherwise it's just an oddly specific blessing:) May all your sons find true love with muscular men, and all your daughters find success as directors of incomprehensibly-symbolic left-leaning arthouse films.

 

Or a d4.

Also:

I hope someone flushes a pad down your toilet.

 

Getting into the really heavy-duty stuff, there's always "May you get all that you deserve."

Works as general purpose curse, blessing, threat, and ominous prediction.

 

May you be satisfied with your drawing, only to realize after posting it that you made a major unfixable error.

 

May no one leave comments on your fanfic.

 

Alternately, may all the preps flam ur sotry.

 

May you find the perfect fic of your OTP with that plot that you never knew they wanted, and may it have last updated in 2012.

 

May you be spoiled for every TV show you like.

 

May you always find the things you want to stream... exclusively on websites that require you to input payment information before you can access it.