Vent Mizi's Depression Bayou

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by mizushimo, Dec 3, 2016.

  1. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    Edit: this is basically a vent thread but likes and comments are welcome. I'm not great at knowing where these strong feels come from and advice is helpful and support is wonderful.

    Edit#2: changed title because I'm having a really bad time at this point in my life, and it's going to be that way until I make some progress on the therapy/medication. There will be a lot of depression sitting on my face (not in a good way) and not letting me up.

    Edit #3: Probably should mention that I've been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety, I've been in therapy for these since spring of 2017.... I'm doing better, but this thread is almost always me at my worst, when I can't hide from emotions or deal with them anymore.

    Fingers crossed that I won't just delete this one tomorrow morning like the ten other I've tried to make in the past

    I don't know, why am I like this? why do I have to be like this? I get so suddenly upset, and it's always at night and I singularly obsess of over it and it is the end of the world or a sign that I will never be able to love or have relationships and I can't pull myself together until I sit in front of a TV or computer screen for 3 to 4 hours, then all the feels go away.

    Today's problem: worrying about cleaning up the house for Christmas which seems clearly impossible because the job is so big and no motivation.

    Problem my brain has decided to obsess over and get really emotional about: My Skype RP is going badly and I can't even seem to manage imaginary relationships. I just get to emotionally invested, I end up wanting so many things.

    OK so the whole point is to bring these characters closer together. I love stuff like that, I love rping commoradery, friendship, characters supporting each other through bad times even if they do it in snarky, malladaptive ways, I'm find when they pretend like they don't care for appearences...I've been trying through three big sessions to get my character closer to my partner's character, and he's just rejected at every turn? I'm doing everything I can think of and he's just like "no hiss", even though the point is to get them closer. my partner almost never says anything out of character do I can't get a read, which can be really scary and frustrating at times. I want to know how my partner feels a about the direction of things so we can steer the rp in ways that satisfy everyone.... my brain is telling me that they really don't care about the rp, that it's just something to do to fill up time and they are completely distant from their character, like "shrug whatever". I feel like I'm doing all the work and I don't know if that's a fair assessment... I just. care to much about rp. It fulfills something that I lack and I'm pretty sure that sentiment is fucked up and weird but it's very true for me at this point in my life.

    If, I would love to here from other people, I just don't know what to do with..well, any of this.
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
    • Like x 1
  2. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    For one, hugs if you want them. For another, it sounds like your RP partner almost entirely refuses to communicate OOC, which is honestly not a good thing in general. I don´t think you´re the one in the wrong here, and it might be a good idea to drop the RP. Even if that is awful.
    I know from experience RPs where you´re invested and shit goes wrong suck, and can actually kinda hurt even.

    But either way, hug, that sucks a lot.
    • Like x 2
  3. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    Thanks Cody, it means a lot to me. I will always welcome kitty hugs <3. I..just idk. I need one on one RP? I'm low key miserable without it. Their writing/characterization are really good. I don't have many other choices right now? the big ongoing group rp is too intimidating and mine might not catch least not until school is over. I'd love it if me and this person could get in synch... I don't even know how I'd find someone else, apparently I have very high expectations -_-

    Idk what's wrong with me anymore, I'm just so sad and lonely. Why can't I have normal emotionall needs?
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
  4. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -hugs- I´m sorry, that sucks a lot.
    • Like x 1
  5. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    Now my 91 year old grama is going to be dead, probably in a a few months and nobody is talking about it. nobody wants to say a damned thing, everyone is pretending like everything is normal.

    I'm so broken hearted, I don't know if I can be strong enough to be normal around her, we didn't even have that great of a relationship.. I should be upbeat, she doesn't want a bunch of sobbing, but it's so hard, I have to stop myself from crying and it hurts so much.

    Adults in my family don't cry. I think I saw my dad and mom both cry once in my life. I just..can't express grief around them, it would be such a faux paz. I'm sure I'll cry at her funeral, but can't in public before then around my family, it would be so shameful.

    I can't even imagine crying or turning to them for physical comfort? My own family. We just don't do that. This is fucked five ways to Sunday.

    I'm sure she just wants to have a peaceful time with what remains of her life, she does not need me to get really upset in front of her.

    I hate everything please hug me
  6. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -hugs a lot- I´m sorry, that sucks a lot.
    • Like x 1
  7. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    :( I'm sorry, that's awful *hugs*
    • Like x 1
  8. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    Thankies you two -hugs forever-... I feel better, still wanna low key curl up in a ball and whimper. I texted my sister in houston about my grama cause I figure someone needs to tell her about this. And I just feel really bad? I get home and my dad was like "she's not that bad." so now I'm thinking I sounded the alarm for nothing and just got my sister worried a week before christmas about something she can't do anything about. but at the same time she has the right to know? just a lot of groundless worrying.

    I left my phone in the kitchen and missed her call. ugh, I'm gonna call tomorrow, I hope I haven't ruined everything.

    Here's the hug pile
    • Like x 2
  9. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    I think I messed up at the meetup yesterday. I invited myself to someone's house and over stayed my welcome? Maybe? I get excited and start ignoring social signals. I'm worried that they don't like me anymore because of rudeness, and I had too much caffeine so I've been in fight or flight mode all day which is not helping my judgment about last night at all..

    Just god, I wish they would return my message, I do think want to bug them by sending another. Augh, how do i socialize with normal people on the internet? They were both really cool and I loved hanging out..

    Just can't shake the conviction that I fucked up. I hope this passes :(
  10. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -hugs a lot- Socializing is hard.
    • Like x 1
  11. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    I want to see my friend again but she's going to be busy for months. Please no, I miss you.

    I'm up early, very tired, got two hours of makeup and con prep and I'm just sad and lonely what is the point of it all....but I'm gonna get up and function.. I hope I can feel better. I just want to be near someone that I feel close to? There's just not many people like that anymore, not too many that I can see irl.

    I always tell myself before I go to one of these things alone that if it's bad and I'm miserable, I can just leave. I hope it doesn't come to that today.

    Last edited: Feb 17, 2017
  12. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    So glad I went to those two cons, man it was insane but I reconnected with people I hadn't seen in ages, it was so nice. Before the con I was thinking that those friendships were close to over for me, but now I want to keep on despite problems? I focus on negative experiences and they can overshadow everything else, the big thing I have to tell myself is to not give up, because my memories are sometimes skewed.

    Warning: dear diary ramblyess, sorting thoughts

    I had two friends that I was heavily trying to rely on about a year and a half ago. I was desperately looking for certain kinds of close relationships. I was clinging to them and getting frustrated and upset when they weren't going to get to that level for me. I love having long conversations, and they'd rather watch things and talk less. The same thing happened where we just watched YouTube videos but I didn't mind so much. There's a certain feeling of comfort and kinship I get with them that's always hard to leave behind. We are probably never going to be extremely close, but I've got...two people in my life that I feel really close to in a lasting way so I'm not desperate anymore, we can just Be. I definitely need more people that I feel connected to, I don't want to be without again. I know that I do to drive people away, that's probably always going to happen and I just have to accept it, my brain is picky about who I can bond with, there are requirements. All i know is that ive got to have more connections, more people that I'm really close to, in case someone disappears. I need that closeness to keep me afloat because I sink to the bottom without it.

    That said, the first con I went to made me realize that I've got some unaired grievances against someone I saw there. I'm not sure my brain can let them go unless I put them all down I a place where they might see. I cannot confront the person directly because they won't stand up for themselves at all, they will roll over like a kicked dog, give me a bunch of one word acknowledgements and never raise their voice. I'm not brave enough to saddle myself with more pointless guilt. Read the following at your own risk

    This is everything I want to say to you, Z.

    I'm sorry, please stop calling me your friend, I don't feel that way about you anymore. I know that years of being abused by family members has left you with almost no social skills, but that doesn't change the fact that you make other people do all the work in conversations with you, only chime in during group conversations to belittle other people, complain and generally make negative comments. You are a good listener but that is about it. If you have a passion for anything it's very well hidden. You have absolutely no sense of humor, no sense of curiosity, every online conversation I've had with you that doesn't involve complaining or negativity feels forced and unnatural. You always lament how people abandon you, but you never wonder why. You simple chalk it up to being 'bad and awful' as a person then move on where the same thing happens all over again. Your social skills are pretty bad and also baggage from abuse and depression. Your behavior is a fixable problems!

    Deciding that everyone leaving you is caused by things you can't change is the easiest way out, I know because I went through that in high school. I had to change too in order to stop driving people away and hurting them. Guess what? I still drive people away and hurt them but it's not the sure thing that it used to be! Even if you change, you will still get abandoned sometimes.

    Also I cannot stand the way you seem to think that you deserve Internet fame without doing anything, then get mad at other people when they achieve it while you cant. My god! As someone who deep down believes that I'm only worth what I can accomplish, this attitude feels like a personal insult. 85% of the people you get mad at working fucking hard for their Internet fame, they put in the fucking time, they post things that people like. I didn't get 1150 followers by making a one sentence post every couple of weeks then complaining that no one noticed, I put out actual content! I don't see why you think you should be exempt from the rules of popularity! I remember once you linked me to a sketch by Lauren Zuke where you were genuinely mad that it had so many notes because the drawing 'wasn't good'. It's not even jealousy because your drawings dont get notes, You don't even draw!! What, do people not deserve popularity if you don't judge their work as good? It's not up to you, it never was. Your attitudes about other people's creations and how their work must relate directly to you and your self worth is tragic, hilarious and infuriating at the same time.

    Tl;Dr Main reasons why you are not compatible with me: 1) no sense of humor 2.) No conversation skills 3.) can't appreciate the things I have done or created because of jealousy 4.) No passion or curiousity 5) too many interactions with you have been motivated by guilt and pity

    I could do without 2 out of the 4 of those things, but all of them + guilt and pity is a deal breaker. I'm not a nice person, I get pissed off when negative emotions make me interact with someone too often. Without a connection, I just feel trapped and then frustrated and hostile.

    Look, if you are going to hang out with outgoing, loud people raunchy senses of humor, they are going to say and do things that will offend you. There's things you can do to steer the conversation away from sensative topics, but they are complicated and involve using humor, it won't always work. I suggest making friends with people who are more quiet, thoughtful and serious and then you won't have to worry about having to listen to some posturing 25 year old getting everyone to make dick jokes and laugh uproariously for 40 minutes. The problem is that you can't sit there and wait for those kind of people to approach you. People make friends by using charm, kindness and familiarity. Negativity has to be balanced by positivity. It's not the easiest thing to pick up if you don't already have a way of making friends, you've got to find your own balance, play on your strengths.

    Closing this out by saying that people still like you, Amber still likes you and I'm sure there are others. You need to get out of your house or you are going to be there forever. Once out, you don't have to be silent and obedient in order to fit in, and you won't be continually infantilezed by your mom (article linked) and made the punching bag of your family.

    Best of luck to you!
  13. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    I think I ran out of spoons early yesterday and didn't realize it, but kept going anyway until I was up at 4am obsessing over the past. Now I just want to crawl into a hole and play stardew valley for 8 hours :/.
  14. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    So I had to figure out some stuff about myself and get some distance, and so I'm no longer angry at that person anymore.

    I get it, I get the whole thing. I get why you can't stand up for yourself and why I got so angry about it. There were things about your problems that were just like mine, and it was frustrating to watch. I don't understand myself very well, I was always trying to be what someone else wanted me to be rather then be able to find out who I was. When you said nice things about me, it felt like a checklist of all the things you wanted me to be and that was also incredibly frustrating. There was always something wrong and I could never see what it was before now. You've got years ahead of you to learn how to be a person instead of playing the role your mom forced you into for the rest of your life. It's hard, it's really really hard. You have to learn all the things you should have learned as a kid and it's one painstaking step at a time. I'm rooting for you
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017
  15. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    4 days into my sister's visit to see my dying grand mother and I've completely run out of spoons but have to keep going anyway even though I'm in the middle of a depression spiral. My sister is so strong and I'm a weak baby playing on her phone. I really want to be supportive of everyone, but all I want to do is cry.
  16. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    Can I just stop being sad and wanting to cry and catastrophizing everything? Please? That would be great.
  17. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -hugs a lot-
    • Like x 1
  18. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    I couldn't handle it, I left my grandma's house early and then drove around in the dark listening to dramatic music and crying for an hour. Back home now and I can't tell if I'm better or worse. I hate this so much.
  19. mizushimo

    mizushimo the greatest hits

    I'm still low key panicking all the time and trying not to cry. I just, idk. Somehow I think I'm responsible for getting my mom to reconcile with my grandma before she dies. I'm the only one that can do it, my sister tried and failed.

    I'm thinking about giving her and ultimatum because...I've got the power to do that in our relationship even though I've never tried before. But part of me thinks this is a really horrible idea, they have both been awful to each other and neither one will admit that they did anything wrong. It's all the other one's fault 100%. On the other hand, grandma has a very limited life span, she's gonna be dead and then mom never needs to deal with her again.

    I'm in full fight or flight mode right now, I suspect I'm not making good decisions. I wish I could have a clear head about this.
  20. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    I don´t think an ultimatum is a good idea at all. it´s not your job to fix your mothers relationship with your grandmother. And hoenstly it´s probably not a good idea to try either. The only people who can fix their relationship are they.
    • Like x 2
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