Your right, you are absolutely right. I just have to listen to all these tiny bullshit barbs from my grandma about mom because she's secretly furious with her and feels betrayed by her complete absence and I think she blames me...somehow? Everything is fucked up and it's all so dire and huge in my head, my perceptions are skewed and I guess I'm upset that she's dying but I can't connect my current feelings with that at all? I am just so fucked up, my emotions just aren't linear and connected to the things that probably cause them. I just wish there was someone here in the meats pace world that I could trust to comfort me. Like, I can't talk about any of this to anyone, and I really want to but I just can't. I tried to tell my sister a little bit in my text last night but she ignored that part. I don't know how she's doing either. I just, everything is swirling around in chaos. I feel so incredibly isolated.
Thanks Cody. My solution so far is drinking. There's lots of alcohol here lol. -hugs back- Update: I am very buzzed and the anxiety is!mostly gone. Hooray for self medication! Haha god what is my life
It's late, I am so tired. Nothing helps. It just comes rushing back when I hang up. I feel so utterly alone all the time. There's no one here that I can trust. I'm laying in my narrow bed surrounded by emptiness. Just me in the same place I've always been. I can't even feel close to people when I hang out with friends anymore. I'm losing the ability to really connect with anyone. I love you all and I'm so glad you are here, it's just something wrong with me. I can't get away, they always come rushing back when I put my distractions aside. I'm so fragile, it's worse then it's been in so long. I'm breaking apart and there's no one nearby who can comfort me at all. I just have to keep quiet and go it alone. I'm so tired of being alone and isolated by my own psyche. So tired of feeling so much anxiety and despair whenever I'm tired or alone at night or waking up in the day. I can't seem to let any of these feelings go. I used to take comfort in a combination of my accomplishments and my characters. My accomplishments are nothing at all, I have not accomplished anything that will help my future in any way. I think I used to be able to comfort myself by imagining my characters being comforted by a loved one. I could play there part in my head. It doesn't work anymore. I lay in bed and try to feel less like shit by going over scenes and scenarios before I get up, nothing works anymore. I'm too far gone. I don't even know if its not working because my depression is just so bad, or if it's because the real life irl friendship behind those characters relationships is not something I can rely on anymore. I can't do this much longer on my own. I don't even know how I would accept help if it was offered. I just want someone I trust to hold me and make stupid promises that it's going to be ok. There's nobody. Heh, all I can think of is that Daft Punk song I had to delete from my iPod because it was getting way to real.
My dying grandma spent the whole dinner party that I hosted ignoring my mom. Grandma, you went on and on about how you wanted to reconcile with her, you even got my sister in on the act. You get a big chance to start mending the fences and you completely wasted it by continuing to hold a grudge. I tried to stick up for you, why the fuck did your lie to me like that huh? You don't give a damn about mom, you just want and apology for past wrongs... even though you told me that you hated apologies? I don't even know anything anymore. This is why none of us can have nice things.
Oh God oh Godear, fucking g god. I tried to tell my dad how badly I'm doing, like tried to confide in him about how shitty I was doing with grandma. I failed spectacularly and now he wants me to live at her house while my uncle is back in Seattle. I..reacted badly. Which is is pretended to ne ok and then started panicking in the car. Is this a panic attack? Am I having a panic attack? Idk? I'm just crying and shaking in my car and I kind of want to die. Holy shit I'm fantasizing about being dead again. SO WE ARE BACK TO THAT AGAIN ARE WE? (I'm not going to kill myself, I'm not I promise please don't worry). None of this makes any sense, I do to know why I get so upset over like anything to do with my grandma. Like the slightest thing wrong and I'm back in this miserable place. Just stop just please stop. She'd kind of shitty and negative but she's not awful. I take everything she says about mom personally and I don't want to its so stupid but there it is. Im..close to making another attempt to see a psychiatrist. Im getting upset at shadows and implications and it's so much effort to be a normal person with other people that this happens when I'm alone or have no willpower left to do anything else that is the slightest bit difficult.
Mrow I'LL have to call on monday because it's the weekend. I..God I hope I go through with it this time
I spent like an hour and a half on the phone to get three appointments. I'm probably going to have to pay 200+ dollars for all of them because my healthcare plan is shitty but it's like the only way I'm going to even start on anything. I'm shaking and almost crying again because I had to go over everything with the evaluation person on the phone. I get it like, she needed to figure out what I needed but now everything's floating on the surface. Just so so tired of being like this.
Spoiler: tw suicide thoughts, I'm sorry I'll be ok please dont read if will upset you I just got done telling the nice lady on the phone that I had suicidal thoughts but no plan/desire to act. Ten minutes later I was sharpening a knife to cut up pork and I just started staring at the blade fuck everything fuck it. This is going to pass I know it'll pass if I try to do normal thingschedule for awhile it'll wash away and I'll stop spiralling it's just I can't express this anywhere else in my whole life it's impossible.
Eeehhhh. I can't even shake my mood at the convention. Usually I'm social and chatty at one of these things. Now I barely got out of my room before noon and I feel disconnected from everything around me. Last night was fine, today not so great. I feel blank.
Doing better after a fairly long game involving a group investigating a derelict space ship with a Jenna tower as a major game mechanic (you take pieces out to succeed at actions, if someone knocks it over their character dies). Good times!
Hello anxiety over the new rating system, who new that a bunch of new tiny words on the bottom of posts would matter to me at all.
Ugh, the depression pit continues. I can't feel normal unless I'm completely distracted from reality, otherwise I feel like crying all the time. My brain is just reacting to..idk, existing like I've had a major breakup or my cat's died or something similar. I was trying a thing where I would feel and acknowledge my emotions instead of suppressing and ignoring them..and it's awful. I thought it would be less awful the longer I did it but I guess I'm just an unending pit of despair. My body is reacting like I'm managing physical pain (tense shoulders, hunched posture and I keep steadying myself on walls and things). My brain can barely deal with anything unexpected. The lady at the bank asked me if I wanted the bank to help me lower my interest rate on a credit card and I felt like she was speaking to me in a foreign language even though I could understand her words. Absolutely everything to do with other people face to face seems weird and scary and alien. I'm worried that I'm going to end up with agoraphobia or something like that. I just..don't know how I'm going to react to anything except 'badly'. I'm trying to find ways to cope with being like this besides my old standby *bury self in Internet or fictional worlds until everything fades away*. I literally have nothing else that works. Last night I had a panic attack. It was bad at the time but my plan is to let myself have them instead of suppressing so..that worked? I dug out my childhood comfort object that I've had put away for six or seven years because it's really fragile. That helped..a little? The thing that settled me back down was going back to the chat and talking to people like things were normal. I'm starting to think that while I've sort of lost the ability to comfort myself, other people can still comfort me. I don't even know. Spoiler: rambly dear diary stuff I remember at the convention it was after a late night game and I was walking around empty hotel hallways sobbing (as I did several times). I got back to my room where I was hoping that I could be louder because it was more private. My friend was already there. And I shut off the tears and everything because she doesn't need that shit and we just laid on the bed talking about fake dragons, then it turned into a jam session about setting and au plotting. It was so nice, and I felt better? A lot better. I didn't need to scream and cry and crawl around on the floor anymore. I don't know if that was just me retreating from pain into a temporary comfort zone or if that talk was genuinely helpful, but our late night plotting was my favorite memory from the whole convention. My emotions are like three years old and they can't handle anything, it's disturbing and frustrating. Could I just..be an adult again and do adult things? Could I just do things that weren't very pleasant without feeling like my leg was trapped under a rock..
Still sadish, but also floaty.. Had a good weekend, got to be close to people. Got to lay on a bed and rp for hours in my friend and I's voltron/tf au. I think the happiest I can be is when I'm making up stories with this person. It was so rough without her, but we are slowly getting back to the way we were two years ago.... Friday was so bad, the whole day was painful and awful. I hope it won't all start back up again on monday.. I'm still sad and lonely but I'm calm and not hurting as much. I got to be happy today, without any extra anxiety mucking things up from 3 in the afternoon Sunday onward. I'm gonna try to stream again Saturday because that was so great. We all got drunk and watched the Bay movies, it was amazing. I love everyone at that bar.
I wanna do same hat with the leg trapped under a rock thing, but hats don't really go on legs. Same shoe seems a little generic to me. Same sock? Does that sound weird? In any case, a fuckton of solidarity. My psychiatrist told me not to beat myself up if I struggled with difficult, not-fun tasks during depression recovery. He said the ability to do easy, fun things comes back first. Then after some time you start to be able to handle easy things that aren't fun, and fun things that are difficult. Then eventually you get to the point where you're cool with difficult tasks that aren't fun. It sucks how much life doesn't accommodate a sane recovery progression sometimes. Thinking about it that way still helps me to be a little less harsh with myself for struggling. Thank you so much for hosting that stream. It was the most fun I've had in forever. It's really too bad that internet lag makes it so difficult to drunk-sing together, but an effort was made and I feel it was respectable. I also love everyone at that bar.
Same boot, yeah we can share shoes. I'm a size 12 so they might be roomy for you. Thanks kind words, I needed that. Why do the easy things that are not enjoyable come in before the hard things that are fun. Why does fun have to be hard? Ughhhh. I can do hard things that aren't fun but there's no consistency.. and it takes all I've got. Monday....I felt normalesque so of course I stayed up all night watching videos and didn't get out of bed til 3pm. I have to do better tomorrow..
My conflict resolution skills heavily revolve around me thinking that I can figure out what other people are thinking and plan accordingly, instead of my own feelings - also so much projection, so much. No, brain, you can't actually read minds. Stop it.
