I thought today would be the day that I tried to take a friendship to the next level, we were alone together in a house she was sitting all night rping. I told myself I wouldn't try if it wasn't absolutely the right time. That time never came. She's just doesn't seem to like me that way, not even an incling. She's the one I really wanted, I feel so lonely.
My feels were more complicated then I thought, maybe I didn't even want a romance? I need to figure this out. Like "too fucked up for normal human feelings, try again later"
I am so bad at romance. I don't know what to do. I was talking to my councillor. She said that dating is supposed to be fun and not a big deal. People get in and out of relationships with others in their friend groups all the time. All I can seem to do is either feel frustrated and awkward or pine after the same person for like a year and a half who doesn't return my feelings. It's so hard, I guess, I've been..idk conditioned to think that confessing a crush will flat out end a friendship because everything will change. The truth is that nothing changes unless the other person is expected to reciprocate eventually...i think that's my problem. When this happened to me when I was younger. I felt like because they confessed, I was supposed to go out with them. It made me angry. I've still got those rules rattling around in my brain. I need to get definitive answers otherwise my brain will keep thinking that well maybe it'll happen eventually. I want to get to the point where I could just tell someone that I had a crush on them without it being a big deal. Like, I could get rejected, take some time to get over it and then things would continue on... instead of obsessing over someone because maybe they like me. Like I'm in an anime. Yeah, it sucks when feelings aren't returned, but, I need to learn that a friendship can endure through that without 3 tons of drama. I'm such a fucking lizard person. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. I've got to talk to her, apologize for being sneaky. Trying to say a thing without actually saying it to protect myself from bad consequences. That kind of thing never works. Edit: I sent her a message on discord asking if we could talk over the phone before she left, she's busy and it doesn't feel right to just call her. I'm, am I making to much of this? Was she ignoring me for a month because she was rly busy with 50 other things. I'm afraid of making a big deal about my behavior when it wasn't a big deal to her, thereby making me look like even more of a weirdo then I already do.
All these things that haven't happened yet are hurting me. Waiting for her to get back to the house. Afraid she's just going to make me leave once she gets here. I just want a connection, an emotional connection, but I can't exactly demand that, now can I. I just flail around, trying to hide how sad I am all the time. Trying to find a way to be a normal person. Looking ahead to next week...its gonna be shitty. Just me vs the world. I have to call another friend and try to work our issues out. I'm so scared I'm gonna lose them. So scared that I won't say the right thing, that I'll just make it worse........
I still got to call my other friend an apologize, but I'm too much of a coward. I did over the internet but I heard nothing back..., she's one to avoid difficult situations really hard. I can't leave things like this but it's hard.
Finally called my friend and tried to apologize with my voice. She did t answer so I left a message. It's taken me almost two weeks to do that, I guess this is adulthood. Slightly related: why is there a state of mind where every text message seems hostile or dismissive. It's not good.
Still have no idea how to apologize without seeming like a little kid or a fucking insincere robot. I blame my upbringing, since both my parents never apologize for anything
I feel like I went to this convention by myself, are room was dead silent this morning. All my friend wanted to do was catch pokemon on her phone, no conversation no nothing. I guess she's entitled to do what she wants, so I just left for the morning. I just couldn't be content, I was too frustrated. On the plus side I found this cool bagel shop that's about a fifteen minute walk from the hotel. I just...maybe this will get better? But there's not much hope. Sitting on the hotel chairs aggravated my back problem. I dunno if I can game today, it hurts to sit down, I was in bad pain last night during the four hour game. Ugh, this is why I can't have nice things
I can't I can't have fun I can't be myself I can't be happy I can't even try to get what I want because I don't know how I can't even make conversation happen I can't do anything but hide in this hotel room feeling sorry for myself I don't want to be that person, but I've just got nothing Gotta go sit in a hell chair and rp now because I can't just hide here all day. Maybe things will be better. I don't want to be here
all of that sounds really damn awful, i'm sorry you're caught up in (what feels like) a stalematey sort of situation, dang. sounds like the worst kinda con roommate situation with your friend there. [offers pats, hot choc, and a blanket]
I..just feel like everything is actually reasonable and normal except within the confines of my own brain. My brain that makes everything impossible and dramatic. Like I was waiting for her to get done with her game for hours. She gets back at midnight, there's not anything I can do. I wanted her to spend more time with me doing our rp stuff, but she's here for the convention. I'm supposed to do convention stuff but the games aren't very fun when I'm in pain all the time...but that isn't her fault. I asked her to ditch her last game of the night for me, but she didn't want to. So just, nothing I could do but wait around. I'm babbling, so tired. When I get like this, as I so I often do with her, u always feel like I'm just nuts. A crazy person. [Hides under blanket and steals the chocolate] mrow
At least, after all that, I had a talk with her about all this. We have baggage, so much baggage. It's been around four years since our big bad friend breakup, and I still can't get even like 1/4 of the way back to where we were. I'm still terrified of doing something wrong...and I still don't trust her at all with anything. This is a Problem. Also, why are my friends fighting and what I can do to fix it? Answer: You can't do a damned thing, they have to work it out. You can't speak for them.
My brain: i'm a weird and creepy old lady who freaked out one of my best friends by trying to get flirty and romantic with her... I'm horrible and im going to die alone.... Some rational part of my soul: shut up, you catastrophizing this whole thing. Relationships can be mended, forgiveness is a real thing that happens, friendships can get through bad patches... Don't give up.
So it turns out that I didn't read the part of the message where the friend I got flirty with said that she wanted things to go back to normal and just forget about it. I was too upset at the rest of it at the time. My brain was just going down a rabbit hole of things will be bad forever all on it's own...this just happens when I'm upset. I'll only hear or read the bad parts, the bits that confirm the bleak picture my brain has already painted. I need to be careful about that. Can't just do what comes naturally when a conflict crops up. Its hard to look at the facts when my brain is spinning out the worst outcome imaginable like its something thats happening. Thank God I have a therapist. She wanted to know what she said, and I had to read over the message again in her office to figure that out, it would have taken me much longer to notice what my friend actually wanted on my own. I still can't really believe that it's going to be ok.. and yet I feel better about the whole thing. Like, I can take steps to get our friendship over this awkwardness and get back on track? I'm blaming Tumblr at least partially for this. There's an idea that the only reason adults want to be friends with teens is because they are predators. When i started developing feelings for her I felt immensely guilty. Was I just using her? Am I gross and creepy? I think...i acted creepy when I was trying to flirt with her? There was a line and I stepped over it. But at the same time she's an adult now, not a child. I made a mistake by not really being honest about my feeling when they shifted. But it was a mistake, I fucked up. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean that I'm evil. I have to remember this, I can't expect that everything will fall apart.
Been feeling disconnected lately. Like things matter, but the feeling that they matter is a long ways away. I think I'm about to hit a bad patch again. I just haven't been able to have a satisfying social experience lately. Isolating myself doesn't help, it never helps long term but I do it anyway. Every interaction I have feels hostile, like I'm having to fight a battle instead of simply a natural conversation. Ugh. I don't know. This barely makes sense. Also feeling like time is running out. I'll try to get up at 10am tomorrow..today, that's four hours from now, I want to make more headway on my tasks. I don't know if I'll be able to find any motivation even if I do wake up early. Everything feels grey, what is the point of anything I'm trying to accomplish? It does not feel like there is one.
I've been walking in a fog all day feeling like depression garbage, like the kind where your limbs get heavy and you can't hold onto thoughts for more then ten seconds. It's like being a zombie. I got half way through cleaning my room, it's like swimming through molasses, or like trying to run with one completely dead weight leg. Usually there's just no way to get out of this mood... Like, I'm going to be fighting this for days. I've been doing yoga via the internet for a couple weeks now. I've been going along with this person called Adriene' s routines. I tried her yoga foe depression video because of course she has one like that. Idk, I don't feel completely normal, but I feel more like a human again instead of like I'm sleepwalking my way through a very low key nightmare. If anyone wants to give yoga a try for managing brain problems, here's the link She's got tons of other videos, I got into it to try to manage my lower back pain. All you need is a throw rug or a couple towels if you don't have a yoga mat. I just use the carpet in my living room.
It's thanksgiving, I'm responsible for dinner, and my mom is talking shit about my dead grama again, she won't help with dinner either. I know they had a bad relationship but really, can you just wait another day? Sometime besides the one holiday that was so important to my grama? If I validate her feelings will she stop with the conspiracy stuff or will she just get worse. I'm gonna stay in this dark room for awhile until I stop feeling like spiraling.
I guess I'm back to where I was on October 9th. I'm in a fog, everything feels wrong. I've got no motivation to do anything, I can't find anything to look forward to. Even my current creative project feels like a chore I have to finish. I've been really isolated and I've hardly left the house all week. I know what I need to do but there feels like there's no point, everything feels grey. I can't really connect with anyone, conversations with my friend's feel awkward and forced. I feel like I've reached the end of the line even with my escapism. I could only retreat into video games for so long until I don't care about them anymore. I went to a family thing tonight and it went well. None of my visiting people issue acted up, I held back on spiraling until after it was over. I guess it went the same as dnd, but without the little moments of feeling unwanted, or that I don't belong which has been a huge problem at my dnd sessions. It's always the long car rides back that fuck me up. Where I'm alone with my thoughts, it's dark and I'm just having a depression/anxiety party in my head featuring all the old favorites. Tonight was just loneliness and malaise. I had one good month, from tf con to thanksgiving, now I'm back in the swamp.
