mostly roving, partly stars

I have done about half the remaining knitting on this project! That is a thing I did.

 

My sis has been making me cups of coffee with generous layers of soft-whipped unsweetened heavy cream on top and

 

Spoiler: nsfw, also politics

K and I have a relationship tradition that goes like this: when horrible homophobic people begrudgingly give us money out of a sense of badgered obligation, we spend it on sex toys.

So guess where a nice sized chunk of our stimulus check went? ;)

(disclaimer, I know some of the people behind pushing the check were not awful people, but 1) this one-time small amount bullshit is almost more of an insult than an aid to the people who are out of work, come on, UBI now! and 2) drumpf literally stopped the presses on the paper checks so he could get his name printed on them!!!! so yeah, there's an antifa-black double ended dildo in that order)

 

After a hell of a depression week and a slammer of a depression day yesterday, I'm trying to love on me. It's 4/20 and my Ulta order arrived today, so I'm self-indulgently smoking and playing with my new skincare & makeup & nail polish, and this song came on my Spotify, and... yeah. Yeah, that's about the mood. It may be a weird mood to have in a self-referential fashion, but regardless, I cheerfully sang along to myself: "I don't know if I can love you but let's talk about it!"

 

I braved the post office today to clear up some package delivery confusion, and now we finally have all the things that were supposed to be here yesterday (including K's very belated birthday present BPAL order). That took all my spoons tho :( but i have fun stuff to play with now!

 

I feel simultaneously like I've been training for this (the mental overwhelm of Everything Pandemic) my whole life, and also like "how the fuck am I supposed to be even a 30% functioning adult like this you fuckwads."

 

It feels like You’re SO ready for this because you practiced so hard, but you forgot that the thing you practiced for was isolation, uncertainty, and misery. Me too

 

I can do adult tasks but I'm gonna whine about it & wear pajamas the whole time.

 

Sperg brain: we're not good at sudden unexpected changes
Anxiety: better worry obsessively and plan for every contingency so nothing is too unexpected then

This... Sort of works, but it's also kind of hell on my stress levels.

 

OH NO YOU EXPLAINED THE THING. THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DOOOOO

 

... y e s

It Us

 

Literally word for word how I was bullied into passing as allistics. Detect inflexibility -> attack with guilt -> induce anxiety -> now inflexibility triggers an anxiety response over "being difficult". No wonder OCD is so fucking common for us.

 

Yyyyyeah we keep a close eye over here on my scrupulousity to watch out for if OCD tries to join the mental illness adventuring party that is my brain. That whole "to behave like a Real Person you have to Perform the Correct Rituals" super doesn't help. Can't decide if growing up undiagnosed helped or hurt with that.

(edit for typos)

 

In other news, I have achieved results on 1 out of 3 missing packages, I have passed through the other side of today's scheduled meltdown (*crosses fingers against the possibility of two meltdowns in one day bc we don't need that shit*), and I want to switch to Comfort Mode for a while but I keep just getting stuck in Waiting Mode instead :/

 

today: simultaneously not getting much done and getting a lot done? as in, overslept, very slow to get going, but good planning convos have been had, and we have a reasonable plan for the rest of the day, and I feel good about it.

note to self: the cbd works better if you actually fucking use it

 

Crash course in early, busy mornings again! Today is "wake up on time" practice, tomorrow is "wake up AND get ready on time" practice, and then starting Wednesday I'm watching my nephew starting at approx. 7:15am again, two days a week for now. I am:

• Sadly sleep deprived, since despite my best efforts I couldn't fall asleep until 2ish last night
• A little anxious about being off my baby groove (he's five months now! So different from the ten-fourteen weeks he was before!)
• Not even really anxious about breaking quarantine for this, bc it's a no brainer for me that ofc my nephew is getting watched by my, that's by far the safest option for my brother's family, but it is technically less safe for us, and I am perhaps irrationally worried that friends&dates will get upset that we're willing to break quarantine for a baby but not for them
• Really enjoying the donuts my wife bought me this week :)
• Remembering that as exhausted as I am, I actually really like the vibe of being up this early
• Eager to apply childcare income to our savings goals
• HECK YE BABY CUDDLES, BABY GIGGLES, QUALITY BABY TIME YEAHHHHHHH

 

QUALITY BABY SNUGGLES



In other ways, he's been a terror (so much better at getting things in his mouth that shouldn't be in his mouth! is convinced that formula bottles are an evil conspiracy and I'll just hand him to his mom for breastfeeding if he cries long enough!), but it's still really nice to have him back.

 

B A B E Y

 

I'm getting really good at nap time if I do say so myself