my favorite type of swears involves taking super tame/old timey language and using it completely inappropriately/nonsensically (if they have to stop and puzzle out what you said you have time to run away) like: "heck off you buncha dang-ers" "you dadflipping ding-danger you've gone and done it now" "lord, have mercy upon these disgusting sinners you see before you today" "heck your mouth and also your dad's mouth" "flip yourself in the foot buddy I'm no square angle" (YOU SHOULD TRY IT IT'S REALLY FUN)
Ever since I found out that 'Andraste's knickerweasels' is a swear used in an actual Dragon Age game (Andraste being the local combination of Jesus and Joan of Arc), I've been using various permutations for my DA OCs A couple of favourites: 'For the love of Andraste’s lacy bloomers' 'Andraste's feathered nipple pasties' 'Andraste's fine furred knicker ermines'
"He looks like the kind of person you'd see watching UFC at a strip club." -Adam Savidan, on Sidewalk Slam, on James Ellsworth's interesting style choices. "Pardonfuck?" (short for "Pardon fucking me?") -Cameron Lauder, not infrequently.
I've been using a new one recently and I'm quite proud of it. See, depending on who you are and what kinds of interests and areas of knowledge you have, it is either vaguely odd and apropos of nothing, or it's downright disgusting and viscerally evocative. It is "jelly sound". *edit* please someone ask me to explain
Spoiler: if you really want to know, and i'm sure you do... "jelly": a red flag in the purchase of sex toys. Generally denotes a low-quality material of dubious body-safety; may contain irritants, may not be possible to properly sterilise, etc. "sound": something designed to be inserted into the urethra. A "jelly sound" would be something cheap and unpleasant-smelling that expects to go down someone's dickhole for their enjoyment, despite probably not even being rigid. A floppy, smelly, truly unnecessary object that thinks it's a good idea.
Years ago, after the same player had got my character (along with most of the party) killed yet again (it happened at least once or twice a month) in a tabletop game (when he did it in Call of Cthulhu, meh, but then he did it in Runequest and many other games including the freaking Star Trek game), in a fit of absolute rage, I informed him that he was the "National Abortion Rights Action League poster child".
y'all gotta help me come up with some good swears for the protag of this book i'm writing. he's a reindeer-herding shaman turned army mage turned 'evil' overlord, and i want him to absolutely shock and baffle the nobility with his language. plain swearing won't do it. they know he's a common soldier. they disdain him for it even though they're scared shitless of him. what i want him to do is startle them into confused giggles. when he's genuinely upset he mostly just goes "aw balls" so what i need to come up with is the leisurely sort of guttermouthing one gets up to when one is annoyed at being stuck in a room with sixty jackasses in silk velvet doublets, after thirty years of living knee deep in mud and viscera. basically imagine Deadpool Caesar In The Elizabethan Court and let fly.
reverse head-up-the-arse ouroboros you helminth herpetic cockwomble also finding words to substitute "bastard" with is really fun illegitimate offspring! born out of wedlock! counterfeit child! 3D-printed infant! CRACKED TRIAL VERSION OF A PERSON! YOU POPPED OUT OF YOUR MA WITH A README.TXT!
I feel like going incredibly in-depth on cussing out individuals, maybe? Like, it's one thing to pepper one's sentences with variations of "fuck" but just casually referring to someone (either directly or indirectly) as a "misbegotten taint-muffin" is more likely to stick in the mind and get the gears to grind to a temporary halt. Along those lines, the best that occur to me: misbegotten taint-muffin velveteen glans-monger (foul?) dribble of mucilage sphincter-eating eye-gremlin with the fashion sense of a routinely concussed borzoi ass cracker emitting the fungal aroma of mold that is, itself, rotting ithyphallic fish impossibly rude Alternatively/additionally, puns or similar-sounding word replacement. For instance, "tits-begotten" instead of misbegotten.
i do like the idea of him individually taking courtiers to task in front of the rest. he'd be accustomed to doing that to soldiers, drill sergeant style, and of course the soldiers take it in stride. "let that musket butt touch the ground one more time, you echoing cunt, and i will skulldrag you across the quad" is the sort of thing you just shrug off in the army. whereas if you've got a coronet with knobs on, you are not expecting your new king to tell you, "quit aiming your nostrils at me, i can't hear myself think over the howling of the wind through your empty skull." and there are just SO MANY incompetent nobles for him to drag. he is the evil overlord list incarnate. he even has a child to run his schemes past: his predecessor's daughter, who is twelve and hates him even more than she hates everyone else. edit: what i mean to say is, keep 'em coming.
