I don't even know where to start, man. I'm not doing well dealing with winter here in the north, I have to transfer colleges this fall. I have people encouraging me to apply to top schools because my GPA is really awesome. I kind of want to try but I am running too low on spoons to try and deal with the app process. Then I have people like my dad telling me that I'd have to take out a ton of student loans and it would be bad to go for one year and then change my mind (I've already changed my mind twice on my quest for a degree here, so he basically has zero fucking faith in me whatsoever to succeed I guess?) and then telling me it's just life and I'm gonna have to get over it when I told him I was really stressed out being put on the spot in lab today. (note: this was in reality an anxiety/panic attack because I had to demonstrate something I have never practiced at all in my life, but it's hard to talk to him). I feel like I'm being pulled in 5 different places at once and I'm starting to think what's the point anyways? Even if I do graduate with a bachelors how am I gonna get a job, or cope with all the stuff that stresses me out. Like I'm never gonna be successful in life anyways. I guess a part of me is bitter too. Anyone else I know who has panic attacks people actually take it seriously, like the world stands freaking still while people be nice to them and make sure they are okay. Me? Nope. Too bad. These are normal adult thing suck it up unless you want the world to chew you up. Stop being so sensitive. And you know, I have a really small data pool of about 4 people to work with but I always feel like it's the vagina-having people who get the short end of the stick on this as much as people talk about how men have to be tough. I dunno, something about hysterical women who cry about nothing or whatever. That kind of got off track but I just don't want to deal with this right now. I feel like there is no future for me. I did apply to one college though, so there's that. It's not a top school or anything, but it's in the south so if I live down there I'll hopefully not feel so awful during the winter. Really, I don't want to distress you all here. I'll be okay I just have to go to bed and feel a lot better in the morning. I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. Just between the rough night of a panic attack + mood violently plummeting I need to bounce my feelings off of other people for awhile.