Discussion in 'General Advice' started by BlackholeKG, Aug 26, 2016.
That's why we tag in someone who uses their manipulativeness for good! :D
They've... never really talked about it?
Closest thing would be after I had my short therapy course, and my mother asked whether it was worthwhile. I think she was idly wondering if it was something she'd want to do.
But! In general it's not in the family consciousness. And they don't think that there's a family problem, they think that there's a me problem. So, if I were to suggest that we all should do counseling, from a perspective that made it seem like it was something that they needed, I can imagine my dad perhaps laughing at me, the child suggesting something absurd because he doesn't understand the world, again.
Or idk maybe they would do it I don't know, but it'd still be very focused on me and sorting my problem and they'd see it as going out of their way due to me and idk, I really don't want to try and suggest it, they probably don't want to think that there's anything really that wrong between us anyway, nothing serious enough to require counselling.
Of course this is all speculation and I actually have no idea what they think or how they would react.
Okay, so my main question here, which I still don't have a very clear answer about, remains:
Should I be trying as much as I can to put in more "effort" like they say, or is that ill defined/actually unreasonable, such that I should not have to do so/am already putting in enough effort just doing things as I am?
Idk how I should be framing this and what they have said...
Considering this and considering your mom's failed attempt earlier to work with you, that your mom is the one to recruit to "Team Counseling".
I'm gonna say the answer is "Yes, but . . .."
The "but" is to put your effort into something that might pay off. I mean, sure, you could force yourself to hang around in the family room and do more laundry, but that doesn't go to the heart of the problem. The problem is that your relationship is strained. It's not ruined because you all still care for each other.
You and your mother and your father need new tools. All three of you, not just one.
But that essentially is the problem, so, this comes down to, essentially, just following exactly what my parents were saying in the first place?
From whence stemmed all these objections earlier in the thread, then?
I don't know. I guess I will get to doing stuff, then, as best I can.
But, but, but . . .
As some have pointed out--shit, even you pointed out--a lot of your parents' requests/demands are not really intelligible to you.
There are certainly a number of generally-helpful things that I could be doing, that I know I need to be doing anyway, that I have been neglecting. Simply because they are tiring and sap energy, and I often feel like I don't have much of that in the excess.
However, if I really want to, I can make myself do the things. So it's a question of whether it's fair for me to have to make myself do the things. You seem to be leaning in the direction of, "okay, do the things", which is essentially what my parents were asking in the first place.
So it's almost like in summation, this thread can be summed up as 1. lots of initial kneejerk reactions telling me my parents are in the wrong 2. some more reasoned discussion saying that they are basically right just that maybe we should work on our communications skills together.
On some level I feel really bad about that, because it kinda confirms the "my fault" thing, and means that I have a lot more work and energy-expenditure ahead of me. But if that's the correct, reasonable stance to have on this, I really can't complain. The alternative is not living in the same house as my parents, or else continuing to be unfair to them. And I don't want the former, and shouldn't allow the latter, so I will have to deal, I guess?
You're going to have to expend some mental and physical energy, I think. But your parents are going to have to, as well. Otherwise you will just be crabby and tired and I don't think they will actually be happy having crabby and tired offspring (I originally had "child" here, but that has associations I don't want) around.
Okay, I will clean up this place then and start hanging out with them more. I can start the first one now.
I guess... is that it then?
So it kinda has been my fault all this time... Like what have I been doing, have I caused all this grief over nothing? Who does that?
eta: I guess, finally, at least in one thread, getting down the brass tacks of me sometimes (or a lot of the time) not being the best person is good. It does make me worried about future people I have relationships though. Does this degree of selfishness inherent in my action for so long indicate that I might be bad for other people in my life in the future? Particularly those who I get closest to?
Maybe. I'm not sure what to do about that other than feel bad about it, and maybe stay away from forming such relationships if a repeated pattern does emerge.
But then, I already knew that this was a thing with me. Selfishness, and ego-focus.
I made a big deal out of it in my head early last year, and a few times before that. But I dismissed it and convinced myself that it was nothing. And now, objectively, I find that yeah, it was something.
I have a problem.
And no, I am not making these posts to be challenged on that. Or if I am, that still should not be your response. I am tired of people here overlooking my capacity to be a bad person, denying that it's there simply because it distresses me. I have a lot of harmful tendencies and this exemplifies that.
I was busy cooking there for a bit and I come back to find . . . more fault finding!
I don't want to make this about me but I resent the implication that everything I amd everyone else before rigs said were "kneejerk reactions".
I'll say nothing more in this thread because clearly I tried to help and didn't. But I would like it if what I said wasn't entirely dismissed as irrational flailing?
@rigorist. i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're meaning well here, but speaking as someone who has gone through a similar situation to josie in the past without the OCD-fueled self-loathing, has talked to josie on a regular basis for months, and is one of multiple survivors of emotional abuse to respond to hearing specifics of this situation with [KILL BILL SIRENS]--as in finding the details legitimately deeply triggery and monumental red flags--you are not helping. you are in fact doing major damage here. you have, in fact, a history of Making Shit Worse For No Good Reason unless people actively tell you to step off and continue on their merry way as if you hadn't said anything.
please consider stepping off and not taking out your need to be the bold, contrary voice of ~reason~ on people who are in incredibly vulnerable stages of their recovery. jesus christ, dude.
We were having a nice and possibly fruitful discussion. If @BlackholeKG wants to end it, that's cool. That's their right and privilege.
You, on the other hand, have no such right. Nor do you have the right to police posts anywhere on this site.
Out of curiosity, I did a search on the thread and the string 'knee' does not appear.
Nobody was policing anything dude. April requested you stop doing a thing, and explained why they made the request.
Honestly I just want the truth, whatever that is.
I want whatever the correct course of action or train of advice to be taken/given.
This has already caused a shitstorm on Skype. (I apologized to Wix by the way)
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