Narcissists

What is their deal and how do you handle them? Cause at this point, my response is usually 'spectacularly lose my shit and often try to hurt them,' its one of the few things that still just make me hysterically rageface. Because you cant reason with them. They will absolutely never give a single fuck about anyone else's wellbeing.

I start getting whiffs of that characteristic thought process and my animal brain just clicks over to "MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW GO DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE." And thats shitty of me.

 

Well, it depends on what you mean by "deal with". I've actually known a fair number of people who have narcissistic traits(atleast, I think so. My people catagorizing was crafted without knowledge of personality disorders). So, take this with a grain of salt.

Typically, I spend a lot of time just listening. They tend to talk to themselves/at you quite a bit. I just sorta be quiet and look attentive. The conversation tends to be about 90% about them/their interests and about 80% them talking. After knowing them/being supportive for a while(atleast a week, but usually closer to about a month) the percentages shift a bit more in your favor(still high on their end). One of the keys to getting on their good side is figuring out their values(ideally ones you actually agree with) and being supportive on that front(and shifting conversations that way). Eventually(atleast in my experience) they will respect you. At this point, they will actually listen to you(and sincerely ask for your opinion), though you still have to be careful not to step on thier values/buttons. It's best to introduce new ideas that my be disagreeable to them as someone else's idea("just something I heard on the internet") if you're worried about them reacting. If you maintain the relationship, you can get away with having differing opinions(though nothing too conflictory with their own) and they will forgive you for it. It still feels a little eggshell walky like, but it's easier to be yourself at that point.

Not sure if that's actually helpful or not. My alternative plan is that I give them the finger and they go away. So uh. That's how I survived/dealt with people like that.

As far as coming across personalities you don't like, I walk the other way. I learned to spot certain ones and I put on "repelant" to keep them off. I feel no obligation to take on more "friends" than I already have. I'm actually pretty picky with new people, though I still interact with those I already have a relationship with(habit).

#Yes I was programmed to put others before myself

 

To be honest I just avoid them as much as possible. Some people I think do just have traits, mostly 'fleas' from growing up among narcissists, and I find those more tolerable to be around, so I don't avoid them unless they're acting in a very narcissistic way. But at least if you say something like 'the way you get passive aggressive about me not fulfilling your impossible demands hurts me' to somebody who just has fleas, they have the capability of empathy or at least insight to be able to work on that behavior, and can truly get past their fleas eventually, even if it requires therapy. A true narcissist however is not capable of empathy or insight, and will often feel above therapy or refuse to believe they need it, or if they do go to therapy they may very easily manipulate their therapist into seeing them as the victim, so there really is nothing you as an individual can do to help them to stop their behaviors. So at the end of the day, having had to live with that for 24 years, I don't want to deal with it anymore, and I avoid them as much as I can.

If it's an unavoidable situation, or it's somebody you don't want to entirely cut out of your life, there are some things you can do to make things tolerable. Personally I'm still in contact with my narcissistic parent and other family members. I make visits very infrequently and only for brief amounts of time. I go with my partner every time, so if things get to be too much and I feel like I need to get out right then I can turn to her to get me out of their safely and soundly. I only answer phone calls and facebook messages when I have the energy to do so, and I'm not afraid of giving out a quick 'oh shit the dog got in the garbage can gotta go now bye' lie if I need to. I only tell them very 'safe' information that can not be held or used against me unless they really warp it, and if they do really warp it, the sense of how big of a lie it is keeps me from even really caring about it. I mostly just listen to them talk and just nod it all away. I do not give them personal information like my email address, and have a very safe and mostly blank Facebook profile I only use to interact with them on. I do not join in on their gossip or behind the back insults on other family members, I just hmm and shrug my way through it.

You do need to keep in mind though not to be a total doormat. My narcissistic family is fairly far away from me and can't really do too much to hurt me from the distance they are at. However if you are dealing with a narcissist who is a frequent boundary pusher, you need to stand steady and not let them push those boundaries. Sometimes you need to do the tough love thing, and enact real consequences if they do not respect you. If the narcissist in your life is always calling or emailing you and freaking out when you do not answer within 1 minute, if they touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable, if they physically harm you in any way, if they are always calling up people who live close to you to 'check on you' or anything like that, you need to tell them that that is not okay. You need to set down rules, tell them you will sit down for a call once a week and no more, you will answer emails when you get to them and only if they're important, if they touch you or hit you, that you will leave. You will cut off contact. You will block their number. And if they do do those things, you really do have to act on that.

Ultimately I'm not afraid of having to cut out important people, and it may become necessary for anybody who has a narcissist in their life. Yes I'd like for it to be a last resort, and yes I would feel very guilty for doing so. But if it ever reached a point again where it is like it was when I was still living with them, I know I realistically cannot bear to live like that, I know it effects both my emotional and physical health in very negative ways, and so I know that I would need to remove all avenues of contact with them in order to keep myself safe, sane, and healthy. I would write them a polite, firm, yet slightly distant letter, and do what I needed to do to keep them away from me either short term or for the foreseeable future.

 

Remember: It's always the other one who's the narcissist.

 

...are you saying i seem like a narcissist?

 

I have no idea. But it's an "internet diagnosis" that gets thrown at other people a lot.

 

Ah, ok sorry.

 

The "always talks about themselves" thing has got me freaking out because I do that? People talk to me and they ask a question and then I just keep rambling and then after the conversation I realise that I forgot to ask them how they are or something and then I panic about them thinking I'm selfish? I always have to remind myself to stop talking and to ask other people questions in conversations too, because I can get carried away with talking and I forget to let other people talk.
Or maybe this is an autism thing and I should stop freaking out??? Aaah!

 

Well, that's relieving probably >.>;

I'm now trying to think if I know/knew anyone who I could say is a narcissist. ...Actually, there was a girl I went to high school with... I wasn't friends with her, but everything was about her and her problems and her life and you couldn't do anything without her making it centre around her. And she would suck up to all the teachers to make them like her, and she would try to socially destroy any of her friends who'd had enough of her and wanted her out of their lives. She made everything into how other people were being mean to her, and hurting her. She would even show up to people's parties that she hadn't been invited to, just to fuck with them (and then she'd proceed to draw all the attention at the party to her).

... But to me, she just seemed like a nice if somewhat superficial girl. It wasn't until after high school that I heard all this.

 

Yeah, I think I've read that personality disorders can't be diagnosed until after 18? From what I've heard, she still pretty much the same though.