[nsfw] Iyaan, Karkat-kun: Let's Homestuck some Hentai

I really needed this concentrated dose of hilarity today. Thanks, Ruevian.

 

This is amazing.
...and I probably shouldn't read it while I'm drinking, I spewed fruit juice all over myself when I got to Tavros fapping to the desk. Now I am sticky and gross and not even in the fun way. Learn from my mistake.

Vriska's (´･ω･`) face reminds me of this terrifying tale of teenage love and stalking (mostly stalking). Oh god, Feferi please don't become Vriska's Denko.

 

Wow, Namco High sure got open-ended!
:P

 

That is, in fact, exactly what the referance! Oh man, to this day, I still hope Denko is okay. Or that the whole thing was an elaborate joke.

 

Also, I'm really glad you guys like this! I was hoping to make a couple people smile at least. Thanks for coming round!

Later today: time to play as Vriska as we woo and make sweet love to Feferi and not threaten to murder her even once!

 

This is fucking hilarious, omg. That school is going to be a disaster area.

 

This is the best thread on Kintsugi--nay, on any website ever, forum or otherwise.

Seriously, I'm on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. Keep it up!

 

I want this to like, get more pages than the complaints department thread

 

Ah ha ha, well, we'll see how long it goes. The game itself doesn't really have an ending unless your PC gets killed or impregnates someone. I'll keep going until it stops being interesting!

 

PORN APPROACHES. They'll be behind spoiler cuts so people can avoid, FYI.

 

It's a brand new day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and we're Vriska. Let's go find our sweet honey!



Because she's on the swim team, she's usually at school early for practice. Go away, Eridan, I have mad seduction to do here.



Hello, darling. Let's give her a condescending head pat since we're Vriska!



Technically we appear to be patting about a foot above your head because you're so short, but semantics.



Not with that weak ass grasp on grammar, babe. But it's fine, let's just make out a little.



Yeah, you say that, but you're the one who summoned Sexy Sax Music of Horniness. Gimme your fish tiddies!



Geez, fine! We'll take this someplace private!

Spoiler: fishtiddies

Well I didn't drag you in here to wash your insane amounts of hair, darling.

Spoiler: hot spider on fish action!

To the right are the ero/sex actions. Foreplay, mutual stuff, penetrative and anal. You can spin the camera around, zoom in and out, choose different arrangement of clothed/unclothed and make your PC transparent or invisible for fully immersive waifu fucking.



You can set the characters to having different sex preferences, and the cursor will have little heart trails if you're doing something someone likes. Generally the goal is to have red and blue hearts -- that means both parties are into it, and sex chemistry will increase. The more a couple fucks, the better their chemistry. High chemistry allows you to switch positions without taking up as much time.



SCISSOR ME TIMBERS! They're mutually cumming already? Chemistry must be great.



Oh, have I mentioned this game is fully voice acted? The noises Feferi is making here, you guys. She's ---EXCIT-----ED!!!



Less adorable and more foreboding when you remember who we're playing as....

And that's your porn installment for the day!

 

So anyway HEY FEFERI I LOVE YOU



What, love yourself? I mean, good, but you can't beat Vriska in self-love. She's simply the best there is.

And then I was going to ask her for a date this weekend:



Looks like they already have one planned! Good job, AI.

So let's stop hovering around our cute girlfriend and check out that magic statue Hussie keeps muttering about.



GASP. Kanaya Marie Maryam, you are in a RELATIONSHIP with JANE after PINING FOR HER and possible WATCHING HER SLEEP. Don't throw it all away for sexy ram girls!

Well, as long as we're at the magic statue, we can also check some other things. Like how the chemistry between Fef and Vriska is!

Spoiler: fish tiddies and spider 8oo8s

Considering they've apparently had zero sex, it's impressive they've been able to cum twice. Come on, game, just because there wasn't penetration doesn't mean it's not sex!

We can also check the leaderboards! They rank the students in terms of wisdom:



(Goddamn right Jade's at the top)

Strength:


(Goddamn right Jane's at the top)

and Popularity:


See, this is why you don't spend your entire school day napping, Sollux. You end up being less popular than Eridan.

Anyway, back in the halls.



Yeah, sure. I mean, it's Equius and we're Vriska. We should get along in case of any catastrophic limb failure. Where you at, boo?



Heeeeeeeey, relax. It's just me. How about some small talk, big guy?



Hey, I feel you, but this would be a pretty boring thread if so.

 

Putting aside your weird ass pose: the fuck is your deal, Sensei? STOP STALKING VRISKA AND FEF.



I (and by that I mean Vriska) thinks you should 8uzz 8ff!!!!!!! But Hussie Sensei is too mature to take Vriska's insulting bait. Or would that be 88?

Hey, Fef, let's leave this dwee8 and go study!



I promise I won't grope you this time.



You're WELCOME.



GAH! Equius, where the hell did you come from????????



Actually, yeah. Let's talk about sex.



Goddamn it, Japan, asexuality is a THING. It's a thing in this very game! A trait you can pick!

 

Wait, a game that's pretty much just porn has asexuality? I mean, yay representation, but isn't that a bit weird?

 

Anyway, morning classes go by without a hitch and Sollux is asleep again. Hey, Feferi, let's have some lunch together! Wait...Feferi? Where'd you go?



Well, I should hope so. So how about lunch?



HOW DARE YOU EAT WITHOUT ME! Don't make me hug you!



Considering you're "stuffed," I'm not sure that's a great idea.



Oh, it's Terezi! Let's see if Scourge Sisters can be a thing.



:(

Ah, but wait, I hear fight music!



WHOA, FEF. Way to kick John's ass! Guess she finally got fed up with all his pranks and Betty Crocker paranoia.

So then I wander a bit and like 30 seconds later I hear the fight music AGAIN and Rose calls everyone to her:



Hard to tell but that's Feferi and Eridan fighting. O_O Damn, girl, you are just kicking everyone's ass today!



Vriska: *points and laughs*

So, question time, guys. As Vriska, should we show support for our girlfriend and ALSO kick Eridan's ass?

 

Yes, totally kick his ass.

 

It's extremely weird because all it does is:

-decreased success rate of ero topic conversation and ero gains from physical contact decreased

-girls will never get pregnant nor will have any pregnancy-related dialogue, not even on risky days​

 

Duh. Beat that nerd.

 

This just in, being asexual means you can't get pregnant. :|

 

I am fairly sure Vriska is always 888% behind kicking Eridan's ass.