one more year in a frustrating school please send help

I dont know what to do
tomorrow thing bad and goodish
goodish

• art
• presenting thing me and EB worked hard on
• less quetsions about me if I dont miss another day

bad

• I didnt finish something and its due tommoriow and im flipping my shit cvdnuhj
• so much bad shit went down tonight that I dont want to do anything tommorow
• if I dont present the thing tomorrow, then it gets moved to next wednesday, which would be right after a show and tell on tuesday that I havent even started working on yet
• thats a lot of shit on that week

Also mme and me had a conversation yesterday and she was super double meaninged
she was like "im interested in seeing your presentation" (presentation on friday)
and she said things like "yeah and on friday we have art all morning"
but also "no pressure from me to come on friday"
and its just like hegtwkcyerhjwyfWHATjregmrjanhhhhtfvr
and today cause I went today
she was putting lots iof emphasis on everyone neeeding to be doen that for tomorrow
now there is a possiblity that she moves the due date forward because as of today she had onkly gotten one from all 18 of us
can other people do this??!?!?

I tohught of some options
stay up tonight freaking out about project, get it done go tomorrow all day
stay home
go for a half day tomorrow in the morning (art + presentation I got done)

im so fucking jittery right now whyyyy

 

ime all-nighters rarely work out well. in you shoes, i'd g2b now, go for the half day in the am, find out if maybe she'll be moving the project forward, then decide what to do based on that.

 

imna try that then. most of the panic has worn off now but hey. morning will probably be a different story. thanks for responding budgie. {:)
bluh. what an exhausting day

 

Yeah, I'm a little troubled that you're prescribed meds before counselling, although that might be culture clash. What did he prescribe?
@Kaylotta are there any free or subsidised child/adolescent counselling services near Imoyram that you know of?

About allistic people stimming: yep, repetitive movement is comforting for most humans, especially those who are concentrating, overloaded, or in distress. Think about what happens when you give someone a clicky pen :P

I recommend you go in for the half-day. It'd be good to do some art, hand in your French, and not have to worry about having missed more school.

It sounds to me like she's trying to encourage you to come in without putting too much pressure on you, since she knows you're under a lot of strain.

If you wake up early by chance, I'll be online from 7am central time (and before that, actually, but I'll be in a tutorial 6am-7am, so not very present.) From what you were saying on Weds, I think it should be possible to knock out your reading assignment in 30 mins (...won't be the best piece of work ever, but if you just want something to hand in then it can be done.) A lot of teachers will also be willing to accept an unfinished piece of work, because it shows you tried and you've spent time on it. You know Mme best, ofc.

Edit: there's time to do the show and tell and the reading assignment if that ends up being pushed back, I promise.

 

going for half day.
im hoping that mme will be more forgiving with me for that because she knows whats going on
and yeah
will respond to other things when I get back
12:00ish for me
like 6:00pm in europe?

leaving the meds alone for now

 

the community mental health services in Imo's town/region are slow and overworked. our other sister (younger than me, older than Imo) only just got in with them a couple months ago - and that was with an urgent referral from her GP (same guy, incidentally). Like I said, it surprises me that Dr F went to meds so fast, but given the family records it doesn't surprise me all that much? I dunno.

Also chiming in on stimming - definitely. I played with a Rubik's cube all through high school. I bounce my leg all the time. I've taken up cross-stitching in class. and yeah, Lord forbid you give me a clicky pen. :P I suspect some of the reasons for stimming differ between autistic and allistic folks, and I also think (from what I've heard) that some types of stimming (like texture stuff) tend to hang out more in the autistic realm, but that is just my observations.

 

home from half day

Filled in a late sheet for english thing, she asks on it to pick a date you'll hand it in, I picked tuesday, which also means that I can kill two birds on one day
Presented, was only person presenting who knew their shit, so that felt nice
forgot art was done with all three 7/8 classes combined
hung out with L who I havent seen in a while, her sense of humor is closest to mine, and we talked about fandom stuff and tumblr, had fun
saw people I had been halfheartedly ignoring/avoiding, absolutley nothing happened
did some art (forgot to take pictures, but it isnt done yet anyway)
Kay came and picked me up
we talked (hi kay)

okay, responding to you guys

Yep me too. But seeing what was needed to get A into her stuff.. :|

Got off with 20/20 vision, pretty average everything, with maybe slight anger issues (I feel awful saying that but it does seem pretty true)

@Kaylotta , I've forgotten

Both due tuesday now I filled out a late sheet.
Also found out my presentation was half the legnth it was supposed to be. :/

 

Unlucky, but not the end of the world. Especially since you were still the most prepared.

 

My brains been getting a bit confused due to parents not knowing what we're doing for canadian thanksgiving, so I cant plan anything, which is really throwing me off. I have like 1 + 1/2 pages done of space research, out of 2. the worst thing has really been the "I cant plan what the hell am i doing how do i manage time when I dont know how much time i have!!"

cause like

• i may or may not need to pack, depending on whether we stay overnight
• i was going to do laundry today, but found out that we might go to grandma's in two hours, so natuarally I didnt want to have half my clothes in the washer
• so now I havent done laundry
• meaning I have to DO laundry
• we might go to church tommorow morning (arwjgenh), and then stay home no grandma's house
• we might go to church tomorrow, then go to grandma's directly after, meaning Id have to be done packing tonight
• we might not go to church or grandmas, stay here and have dinner on monday
• we might not go to church adn drive to grandma's midmorning
• regardless, drive is like 2-3 hours with no wifi, meaning none of kintsugi, no homework help, no reasearching space.
• I considered reading the stupid french book I got on the drive, but I was just gonna use an online summary, since I know this book series is in english as well
• regardless of whether or not we go, other grandma might be coming out sometime over the weekend, but she doesnt plan ahead and has some health stuff, so if she does come we only know the morning of
• back to driving, my headphones have starting going, so listening to music will be awful, which rules out a major copey thing
• carride means fucking B being so hyurssrnhKSKNHUGRKNHUERSGjkgnj I am so fucking sick of his shit holy fuck fuck off dude
• car rides USED to be fun, I actually quite like them, as long as mom isnt driving, or tired, or annoyed. If B either isnt present. because of B's goDDAMN misophonia (People who have misophonia are most commonly angered by specific sounds, such as slurping, throat-clearing, nail-clipping, chewing, drinking, tooth-brushing, breathing, sniffing, etc) and the way he reacts sets off my own shit, and since he reqacts to so FUCKING MUCH, I spend ages just sitting there dying, and when mom drives she gets so stubborn with I will figure it out, and both parents check their phones and its like I KNOW YOU CAN PAY ATTENTION BUT FOR MY SAKE CAN YOU NOT. I have cried sooooooooooo many times on cartrips recently, like some can be great, we drove to imc and had fun playing word games and sstuff but just
• I cant get anything done right now cause I cant prioritize stuff because I dont know what should be prioritized and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• it probaly doesnt help that Ive barely eaten all day
• parents are stressed, and hwen I went out to get something like two hours ago they were having a Serious Discussion in the living room (another fucking habit of theirs that needs to stop being a thing)
• I thjink they are still having a serious discussion
• holy fuck whyyyyy
• my back is also acting up, probably because Ive undone whatever the chiropractor did. (she doesnt tell me how to stand/sit/sleep/walk to keep that from happening! HOw am I supposed to know) that combined with an empty stomach makes my entire torso feel awful
• ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

edit:
welp
somethings have been resolved

wearent going anywhere this weekend
thanksgiving dinner is tommorow
mom brought home ficotcha (i am so sorry for that spelling) bread and water something or other bread, so that is like all I'm eating tonight, oh well, its something

thinking I should finish the page of space homework, look up my french book's summary online, and then maybe watch gravity falls more

 

(fyi it's focaccia)

 

Gah that sounds really stressful and uncomfortable :(
Glad the car ride didn't happen.

Can B not get some noise-blocking headphones or something for long periods in enclosed spaces with people? I mean, that sounds just as uncomfortable and unpleasant for him as it does for the people around him, i.e. pretty damn unpleasant.

 

I have a MYRCA awards ceremony thing tommorow and a sub for the afternoon, why am I crying in stress? Oh wait, some shit things happened today, thats why.

The past 2 minutes have been me chanting to myself "I dont want to go tomorrow" over and over while crying.
But its less whats happening tomorrow and more what I'm feeling now tbh.

I wanted to have a Halloween themed sleepover/party with some friends closer t oHalloween, and I got super fucking excited about it last night when I thought of it, since the day before I had had fun with the people I talk to at lunch. (I want to cosider myself their friend, and would love to be a "squad" with them, not just for a group but because I'm most confortable with them)
and so i wanted to pose the question today but they were all busy and someother people wouldnt leave me alone and just uehuermjgjeng
but I'm really shit at interactions with people and i typed up a text to send to L (one of the people, only one I had in my Ipad's contacts) but I just felt so clingy wanted to have them over, even with a reason (halloween party) and having known them lots (4-5-6 years) and not just inviting one person over but like I dont want to cocme of as clingy especially sincethese people know I'm not straight and fuck thsat all I dont want to send it and have them go like "ooo you trying to get your crush over?? { ;) {;) { ;)" but like I mean no and jsut aarg I want friends gdi!
and the worst part is, I didnt feel to bad until I started looking for things online about boy and girl sleepovers, and then the overfuckingwhelming negative results were so disheartening.
I am not a fucking horny teenager who wants "friends" over goddammit!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to have fun with these people i feel comfortable with at school, and be able to have fun with them more like holy fuck middle fingers up to litterally every site I read this afternoon
but I cant shake the feeling that it COULD be awful. not for those reasons but just because I'm not sure how comfortable the guys would be with that, but I know for a fact that they have been involved in a girls +guys sleepover before, with at least 2 girls there, and didnt give two shits.
I just want to make spooky halloween food and play stupid games with these people who are silly and fun and make me feel like less of a piece of shit
my mom even let my sister have a sleepover like this for her birthday without complaint, the only catch was they slept in diferent rooms.
A has also gone to plenty of her squad's squad sleppovers, with multiple pwoples and she hasnt complained like wtf jaerwnhhhhhtfmmfj
but mom is in a bad mood because she has 2 things tro finish this weekendbefore she startss school again, and is fucking PA as shit and sighing and setting me off majorly and I just cant and
we did paper mache this morning and it smelled and felt funny and was very sstrange and I had fun but euhg and my habnds smeeled like it for the rest of the day and my shoes felt like they were burning my feet during the sci hum test ofr no apparent reason (it happens a lot too) and I ended up sneaking them off so I could put my feet on the cool tiles and stop the burning and I just
im so fucking done but I have stuff to do tomorrow and this MYRCA thing isnt a common thing to get to go to but I just dont feel like I can and I still have work to do over the weekend and I just nfuuurwh
my rooms a fucking mess but I cant deal iwth that right now when there are so many other things to do and like I need to eat more because I really do and I am unconciously like kinda starving myself but it isnt on purpose and Ive lost weight over the past year and my moms fucking hopelless as well and they dont buy things I like but when I tell them tat they ask me what they could get but I cacnt do it like that Id have to have a list of food and go down and mark yes/no/specific details/other shit but that isnt how life works and jjggggggggggeunfwfherjfnj
im so not caught up on any internet thing other than here and i feel so awful and I shouldve been letting this out but I jsut jtgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnhumhgttttttttttttttttttttten hgvh
I want to go cry myself to sleep but if I do that I will wake up and have absolutely nothing ready to go and have to make on the spot decisions and that sets everything off and I'll just cry more
my mom reminded me of the pills the dr gave me but that just made everything worse becasue I odnt want to take them so badly please no dont maek me ever yet I know they are good but I am so scared and and just
I havent gotten anything done that i wanted to do
Ii should shower v soon
I started a honeydew crossstitch that isnt done
I have homework
I have a presentation soon
i stll havent presented lsat month's reading assignment and I dread it so much
i need to finish my jade cosplay
I looked nice today and wanted to take pictures but I didnt and now I have not only takeen it off but \I am also a crying mess
I filled out the autistic sheet and want to post it but I dont want to have it confirmed or denied but I do but i dont and I fucking do not ever want to bring it up to my doctor again cause that was shit last time
I am sobbing so hard how do I have this many tears
I was happy last night and this afternoon for fucks sake and I cant be sad right now I need to do things and go place sand jsut harnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnm
Ive also got really shitty sleep thigng right now cause I slept til 3 on tuesday and I was up till 2am last night/this morning and just everything feels liek it s shit anfhrgnehg
I want to sleep but when I sleep I dont want to wake eup (not in a dying sense please understand)
I dont know what to fucking do and the world isnt gonna wait for me to ifgure it out and just everythig hurts sned help please

I you can read this fucking ckudos to you cause I can only barely and its my thoughts

 

Gah i dont what to do I needto pick something soon so I can plan but I have no fucking clue
I don twant to go tomorrow
i dont want to
but I should
and i asid I would
but I dont wantto so bad
I want to sleep but I have to dewcide first
other wise I wont sleep whatsoever
bkluh

 

Yo, I hope you got some sleep. I've got a few thoughts, the first of which is: MY GOD, BEING THIRTEEN IS FUCKING AWFUL. (I hope that doesn't come off as dismissive. I'm not trying to downplay how much things suck for you right now.)

I think you're overthinking this because of all the negative stuff you saw online. Maybe you could try bringing it up with your friends and see what they think? Also, you're not likely to seem clingy if you're having a group over.

Well, that's totally a thing you can do. Go ahead and make the list if you think it'd be useful, and then decide if you can talk to your mom about it. Having it written down will help you decide, because you can go "okay, I want to talk to mom about [food item] and [food item] but it's not worth talking about [food item]." Or is it having the list that's the problem? It's not an insurmountable one. You could google "common grocery lists" or something similar, check out the Kintsugi food threads, and/or just keep track of things over a couple of week as they occur to you.

You don't have to make a decision about this right now. There's no time limit on posting it or not.

Sometimes the world's just gotta wait, Imo. But you also don't have to figure everything out straight away.

 

I fell asleep and have gotten woken up at my regular time by my iPad alarm, but now my biggest question is what do I do about today? I can deal with everything else later, but I need to either go or not today.
Also that was really a big dump of all the things that combined to make me a sobbing mess last night.

 

It sounded to me like most of the stuff you were upset about last night wasn't about school. With that in mind, would it make you more or less stressed to go in today?

Edit: I'd recommend going in. It means you don't have to worry about having missed class, and you could bring up the sleepover with your buds. But it's your decision.

 

Today is
MYRCA thingy (an out of school thing that I don't what it will be like but will have many people)
Come back at lunch (mme isn't here today)
Band (my classmates despise it so absolutely nothing happens)
Help in kindergarten
Math
Break
Then I think either French or English till the end of the day

I would only see aforementioned friends if I decided to go outside at middle break, or if they were going to the MYRCA thing too.
It's a sub so we wouldn't get anything super important.

Edit:gah posted before I meant to

I mean I feel like I'm making excuses (which I really am) but I really don't feel like going. The only thing is that I'm feeling guilty about missing the MYRCA thing that not everybody gets to go to, but I still only feel kinda guilty.

 

urgh. as you may have been able to tell, im just dumping everything in here
~~~~~Going to church~~~~~~~
pros

• actual food
• maybe cosplay shopping
• noonell ask next week why werent you here?

Cons

• literally everything about church
• I have to get dressed in like 3 minutes now
• anxiety has been skyrocketing with just my family around
• my mom drives really scarily when shes 'late'
• which also skyrockets my anxiety

 

gah I have debates on thursday and because of the way my docter and mom and eacher set up "helping me" I have had like no time to talk to my "team" and get ready, the only times we've talked has been super stressful and angry and nothing gets done. But i (on one of my 'I feel like I can do shit' days, decided to make a big deal about wanting to go in the actively arguing section of the debate, and am now regretting intensly that conversation, because I am NOT in one of my "I can deal with conflict" moods, and it would be so much easier to switch to intro and just blather about what the middle section people will talk about, or to outro, and just restate the facts, but everyone in my class holds grudges and doesnt know anything about mental health, especially mine, and wouldnt understand a "please give me easy things" especially since I made such a big deall about it. I just want to skip the day of the debates, but I think it might be part of my grade which is bullshit. and we have to go to a different school, which means sensory overload on bus maybe, and then people I dont know and who arent scared of me watching me present while im scared as fuck and probably wanting to cry. not to mention my debate "team" are all assholes who hold grudges for ages and are probably already suspicious of me cause I missed thursday and today adn i sit next to one whichl be hell and I just am very not okay rn and this is exactly why i hate group projects, cause if this was by myself I could have planned things and I wouldnt have to worry about other people, I'm just hoping they have things written down, but I should have stuff memporixed, not be reading off a paper but thats like all Ill be capable of doing and I just aaaaruuueeeue. also this week is spirit week which means doing fun things like crazy hair/hat and tomorrow is dressing like someone else for the day from your class and is very geared towarsd "well you saw them on monday so surely you've planned something" but like I wasnt there today so options are guess from memory and old photos, or just not do anything and just aarg can I just drop off the face of the planet till halloween and comic con and then continue to drop off the face of the planet till christmas because apparently thats all I'm good at, being a piece of shit who cant go to mandatory things that will effect her future and anything she wants to do with her life, how fun. I keep wanting to just backspace all of this but I should write it down b ut idfk i havent started crying yet thats something. I have literally been watching buzzfeed all weekendl. ahh escapism, an awful yet wonderful thing. and trhere are so many things i miss not going half the time, I ahvent played sax in weeks around, cause all the things I have to be there for happen to not be on band days, but like when I was there absofuckinglutly nothing ha;ppeened, whixch is how I remember 1/2 of band, my classmates being dicks to the maternity leave teacher, even if he isnt that fucking bad like holy shit you assfaces why are you souch dicks
I just want to slepp forever and not deal with consequences

 

okay well some things are kinda resolved (thanks mom? she said that I was in no fit mental health state to be doing debates in front of other poeple i dont know, and said she is going to tell mme that)

~tomorrow~
school - no
working on ixl to finish this week's section
work on english shit I brought home and didnt do anything to
someone is goiing to pick up things I missed
~go wednesday~
~not go other days~
feel like shit
~do halloween and comiccon, be happty, be worried but have fun hopefully~

so in the realm of going or not, I cant telll if me and/or my mom are being enabler-y to my anxiety and other headshit
it feels like everytime I do somethng that makes me happy or do something that isnt productive or if i stay home from school, I am just letting my headshits beat me and make me cope intsead of fight or something. Like everything I do is "selfcare" or is it "putting off the problem and not dealing wiht it/escapism shit"
i have no fucking clue where the line between selfcare and enabling my headshit is
but everytime I try and do something I like or makes me happy I get a you shouldnt be doing this you are avoiding the problem
gaaaaaah