Out of context quotes thread

Spoiler

I read that article!

 

"I will staple your uterus!"

 

This is how i feel towards my cichlids right now.
its just... STOP HAVING FUCKING BABIES.

 

look, the least you could do for your zombie parents is mow the lawn once in a while

 

It is actually almost physically impossible for me to mow my parents' lawn.

I am not kidding about this.

 

don't be silly
go down to the underworld right now and help out around the house!

 

oh no! D:

then the clear solution here is to make some more zombies to do it for you

 

and that is what leads to...

 

*PARENTS VS ZOMBIES

 

Isn't it really PARENTS VS PLANTS

 

Spoiler: Explanation

My parents' house is on a hill and their yard is BIG. And when they replaced the lawnmower ~5 years ago my dad was so insistent that he was going to get a non-self-propelled lawnmower that he custom-ordered one. Result: it requires a pretty intense amount of brute physical strength to mow the lawn, because you have to push the entire weight of the lawn mower straight up the hill; I can only budge it uphill at all by throwing my entire body weight against it. Way to go, Dad.

 

that sucks, dude.

 

[5/21/16, 2:52:28 AM] a: if only he could teach them martial arts, then he’d have capoeira capybaras
[5/21/16, 2:52:44 AM] b: Quest: Blackmailing your capybaras into learning martial arts
[5/21/16, 2:53:17 AM] a: capybaras are like “publish and be damned” though
[5/21/16, 2:53:34 AM] c: capybaras go hard?
[5/21/16, 2:53:40 AM] a: I mean, look at those grave, dignified faces, they will not stoop to be blackmailed
[5/21/16, 2:53:55 AM] a: I think you have to entice them into learning martial arts by acts of philanthropy
[5/21/16, 2:55:14 AM] b: Quest: Teaching my capybaras marital [sic] arts through acts of virtue