Out of context quotes thread

i am now picturing the Cthul-Aid Man busting through a wall shouting RL YEAH!

 

That would be my dad, talking about why he quit coding.

 

I have told him several times I think you two would get along.

 

'You don't shit on your mistress' carpet?'
'Fuck no! I pee on it.'

 

a thing I said today:
I'm going to go to Hell. Or at least get scurvy.

 

"I swear to fucking god if you say a fish hat I will lose my shit." - My mum

 

Key: It's decorative if you have x-ray vision!

(earlier)

Key: You don't need to make Mama miserable for your birthday.
Mama: Yeah, you already did that once!

 

"I could handle cockroaches. They're like.....foolproof."

 

THE FUCK DID YOU DRINK THAT WATER

(later)

I think I need my stomach pumped.
(@Bel Capricorn, we were at Nud Pub after exams)

 

OH MY GOD DAMARA BECOMES A DRUG SUPPLIER FOR OTHERWORLD

 

Omfg perfect

 

'The man can have romantic chemistry with a ferret!'

 

Shit Choir Bro Says, Part 1 of ???

"Everything in moderation except for sex and laughter--and if you're getting both at the same time that means you're getting old."

"I'm short, not stupid." (on things he knows better than to say to his wife)

"Hey, you're number one!" (while flipping Choir Bro 2 off)

 

IN THE NAME OF ISAAC NEWTON AND ARISTOTLE I BID THEE GONE

 

'I highly doubt Robespierre was three penguins in a trench coat.'

 

But how do you know?

 

Cup with a handle, not paw with claws!

Spoiler: untranslated version

Becher mit Henkel, und nicht Pfote mit Krallen!
(Ursprung: Tasse vs Tatze)