FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Spoiler: panic room so my brother is in the shrodinger's box of will he or won't he be coming home in two weeks, or two months. either he's coming home 10/23, or he's coming home for christmas. there's really no in between. and his bosses, both stateside and abroad, are fighting over where he's going to go. they're even getting the president of his division involved. i'm staying in my brother's place. otherwise, i'm homeless. i don't have a job yet. i'm scrambling to find an apartment in case my brother comes home in two weeks. i'd need to furnish the place too. i don't really have furniture of my own. my brother is okay with me staying in his living room for as long as it takes but i'm not, mostly because all my extra shit is in his apartment. i'm so frustrated that i can't find a job. the one that called me yesterday? is basically a scam to create insurance agents and pay them minimum wage. i just. want. a legal job. i don't get my bar results for almost a month. i think that's why i'm not hearing from people yet. i'm so frustrated i could cry. i'm spending the rest of the day today impromptu apartment hunting and hardcore job searching but mostly i just want to cry because why am i so fucking useless hahahahahahaha plus i'm still in a really low state of constant anxiety because a palmetto bug crawled into the apartment two days ago and started dying in the middle of the bathroom floor and i found it at midnight and i couldn't sleep and yesterday i was so anxious i basically couldn't eat because of it because my brother is allergic to cockroaches and if this apartment has a problem it's basically going to be my fault i have to clean this whole place anyway because i'm going home to see my parents on 10/23 even if my brother's coming home, he deserves a few days to himself to get un-jetlagged, god i just i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to just not do anything and have things happen for me but i have to do things and i am absolutely not in a state of mind to be able to do things and just fuck me. fuck me hard unlubed in the ear canal with the rusty tines of a 1990s garden rake no need for replies, this is just kind of my panic room where i can walk in and grab a paper bag and breathe into it for an hour and scream into it. not expecting anyone to listen. the void is a good enough listener for me
Spoiler: panic room and now i jsut feel like crying because i've never been to a con (convention) never ever in my entire life, the thought of going to one makes me upset because How Will I Eat and i get extremely travel anxious, like it doesn't even sound fun to me but people my age who are nerds go to at least the in-town ones to meet people and to see artists and shit and i'm missing out on this big party apparently people like my closet cos of dave and/or jade but the only time i've cosplayed for real in public was for halloween on a college campus which then reminded me that since i was a freshman in high school i haven't really been to any halloween parties. parties aren't fun, i don't know people, there's too much pressure to drink and keep drinking, and i'm just pathetic really because even more chances to get out and meet people and not be such a pathetic sack of shit people dont invite me out to do shit, i dont have any real life friends since school got out, apparently people around me in law school were getting together for non-school-related stuff and i don't know how? i dont knwo how to socialize and im ust broken and sutpid which is why it sa saturday night and im sitting at home alone while i can hear bars donwstairs with loud music and hollering and people having a fun time and i canot go down there because i dont have anyone to watch out for me i havent had rela life friends basically since i was a junir in colllege, people that i woudl do extracorruciular things with and go to movies and stuff and grab beers and i even ruined that twoards the end because i was having ental illness problems and they dindt want to have to deal with my food issues and i totalyy get that fuck this post should probably go in the sperglord form because it sbasically aobut how much i suck and how much of a robot i am and how i don understand how to human or how to make friends or how to have normal relaitonships with peopel and hten it just m;akes everhitng else worse like the depression downwnatd spiral thta isnt being helped right now because it keeps getting dar out earlier and the mounting anxiety because im still unempllyed and basically imturning into a NEET and this is never what i wnat ed out of my life and i dont understand how i got here right now nad i dont know hot to get out i wnat to go to bed ralry but i cant because bars downstaris are open an dloud and i wont be able to sleeep. i took a two hour nap earlier today and ive still just been fcking tired and i think its iseasonal and if it is then im about to get my ass kicked by winter this year thanks sad on top of everytinfg else yeah im crytyping yeah im cryig fuk you and the orse you rode in on
Spoiler: panic room i get the anxiety cries a lot but this is the first time in years i've had a despondent/depression cry everything feels hopeless and i feel worthless and it doesn't even mean anything to teoo me ie;s not reall i know its; not real it doesnt atop thta thats how i feel my brain decided to free associate between you should go hug a plushie to remember that the plushin you sleep with rihg tnow is a replacement fromyour parents for the one your rapey ex gave you. and then once i was alredy huging my knees crying it dieclided to remeing me that my brother in this aprtnmetn has hte same couch that i lai on for sic hours the day of my firthday five years ago whien i was just htinigng of kill ing myself it odnest ever stop. i wil be depressed for the rest of my life. i might as well just apply for unemeploy ement dgecause im just a burden to my parenst im not even sure if suicide counts as an "accidental death" they have an ad&d policy on me because they cosignted on my loans and if i kill myslf theyll just be erpsnsible for my ad chcoie of going to law shcoool im having a relaly bad night please ignore
Spoiler: less panicked room my brother is staying in shanghai until the 23rd of december. i have two more months in which to breathe, and get my shit together. now i'm just scared i won't even be able to do it with two more months' worth of time.
Psst. Spoiler: encouragement It will be okay. I know you can do it. You're gonna be fine, and it will all work out. You just have to help it along.
Spoiler: panic room must be saturday night again. this always happens on weekends. probably because that's when normal people with friends and a job do things with their friends that don't have to do with their job. i haven't been able to schedule a doctor's appointment. and that's just for a pcp/gp, i'd then need about four referrals (ob/gyn for recent problems, psychiatrist because gp refuses to renew benzo prescriptions, possible therapist, possible autism testing, maybe a podiatrist, maybe a dermatologist). i have no idea how to go about getting an adult autism diagnosis where i live. the only place that replied to me said they didn't take insurance and it would cost $550. i'm not paying more than my student loans to do a battery of tests and then probably find out that i'm probably not even autistic after all i'm probably just a social reject haha. there's a reason i got bullied when i was a kid, it was because i was weird and everyone else knew it but me. i'm dysfunctional. i've never been able to fit in with society. i'm not useful. i mean, i can be sometimes, when people give me a chance. but right now i'm not being given a chance and so i just feel useless. i can't even take care of my brother's apartment right. i don't fit in. when people don't fit in they get rejected. because it's what they've earned, what they deserve. i kinda deserve to be alone. i feel so selfish when i see my friends who are married with families. i even get jealous of my own parents sometimes because they're still married. i want that. i don't think i'll ever be able to have that. i haven't had an in-person relationship since i was seventeen. i don't know how to meet people. i don't get along with most people. there's really no social capital to be gained from getting involved with me. people can see i'm weird. i don't help myself along, because instead of trying to fake it i've just kind of given up and i know i act weird but i'm just out of energy to pretend like i'm not, even if i wasn't very good at pretending in the first place. like fucking hell is it really so bad to want a real life relationship. like even real life friends who could drag me out to do something. or at least stop by and watch shitty lets plays with me when i'm not up to going out. i haven't really had friends like that in a long time though. i don't know why i would suddenly have friends out of nowhere now. i'm incredibly lonely and now i'm fucking crying because i'm such a ponce and it's my own fucking fault. literally all of this is my fault. if i could just fucking be normal, but i can't be normal, can i. i have to be weird, i have to be a shut-in, i have to compulsively do things because otherwise my life feels empty, i have to watch or listen to the same things over and over because they're comforting. i haven't showered in days. it feels like too much work. i'm not particularly dirty and i don't smell horrible. the only thing wrong with me is my hair, and the longer i go, the more work it becomes, and the more it feels like too much work to clean my fucking self god what is fucking wrong with me that i can't even shower. i guess i have no reason to. shower, i mean. maybe that's what it comes down to. i don't really have a reason right now. it's hard to exist without a reason. it's hard to get up every morning without a reason. the "reason" i've found for myself is filling my 3tb external hard drive with downloaded videos so i can still watch my favorite speedruns when i can't get wifi. this is my reason to live right now. i'll have to find something else, some other chore just as stupid and empty, once i'm done with this one. it's why i have so many unfinished projects. if i finish something, it's not even an accomplishment. it's just "you're done with this. this is now no longer a reason for you to live." there's no joy in my life right now. there's only meaningless chores. there's only checklists. obsessive compulsive things i must do. it doesn't matter to anyone but me if i don't do them. so no one can get disappointed if i fall behind or fuck up. i don't even know what i want out of this panic room. i guess i just want to write shit down and not feel like a fuck-up but the truth is, sometimes people fuck up. and i am fucking up right now. or at the very least i am fucked up. i feel fucked up. i don't even know why. i'm not happy but you don't need to be happy or content or joyful to exist. sentience doesn't require emotions. my drugs probably aren't working, or i'm going into some sort of double or triple depression (because fuck you, autumn, no one asked for this). but i can't fix my drugs without help from an actual psychiatrist, and i can't fix my underlying brain chemistry, and i can't fucking do anything. i can't do anything. i'm putting myself out there for jobs and no one calls back, no one lets me know they've read my resume and aren't interested. i don't even know what i'm doing wrong. i don't know if i'm doing anything wrong to begin with, but i must be, because i'm probably the only person left from my graduating class who's still unemployed. i had above-average grades. maybe they see on my resume that i wasn't that involved in student life. maybe if i was just normal like a normal person they would hire me. i don't know why i'm trying to do anything right now. like the jobs thing. i want one but i don't deserve one, no one automatically just is entitled to work. especially not the kind of work i'm now trained to do. it's a cutthroat field and there's no room for people like me. i have crippling student debt which means i can't even take some of these lower paying jobs because if i do i will literally be unable to live. i can't keep being a burden on my parents forever. they're paying for everything right now and i'm basically stealing thousands of dollars from them. i don't know how i'm ever going to be able to pay them back. so i'm sobbing. i'm probably done for the night then. this is when i curl up and cry and pretend i don't exist.
Spoiler: panic room i'm sitting here unshowered and feeling unloved and it's basically all my fault for being stpuid and an introvert and not applying for jbos because i'm a fucup and i don't know how and i have to clean the apartment and it is all Too Much i just wish i didn't feel so alone and i honest to god do not know how to fix it
Spoiler: not really panicked room hit by a car today. after daydreaming while going to sleep last night of unenfilthenating myself via two baths and a shower, i promised myself starbucks as a reward. got clean, even cleaned the shower. walked to reward myself with decaf latte. hit by a car in the crosswalk. i think this is a sign from god that self care is worthless and that i dont deserve nice things, only people who want to hurt me and pain. like, obviously exaggerating, but. seriously. why
"The perversity of the universe tends toward the maximum." My dad. Engineer and homespun philosopher.
Spoiler: actual panic room MAN ANXIETY ATTACKS SLASH MELTDOWNS ARE FUCKING GREAT i feel like i got hit by a car. because i did. scared to fly. whatever. advil. yes.
Spoiler: anger room MOM I SWEAR To GOD THE DOCTOR TOLD ME TO TALE ADVIL IF IT HURTS GUESS WHAT IT FUCKING HURTS. MY WRIST FEELS SPIKY ON THE INSIDE where my thumb meets my arm. I AM IN PAIN. I WILL TAKE THE ADVIL WHETHER YOU THINK I SHOULD OR NOT. THE PAIN DOWSNT HAVE TO TAKE MY BREATH AWAY FOR ME NOT TO WANT IT. MEDICINE MAKES IT SO IT WONT HURT. PAIN AFFECTS MY MENTAL HEALTH. DONT DO THiS also gr9 job for letting me sleep now, when im physically disabled, but mocking me for sleeping more when im under a mental disability. like just great fucking job you dont get it at all i still feel like i got hit by a car. mom wants me to get off some of my psych meds. sorry if getting an x ray was more important than getting a referral. jesus. im achey and disabled and i just want to sleep for a year
Spoiler: panic room i read a fic and now i'm scared of dying alone i went home and during one of the drives all i could think about was i've walked this neighborhood in another person's sweatshirt, holding his hand it's not my fault my new best friend lives in the home state of my most recent ex but damn if talking about wanting to visit her didn't visit me with the same existential dread that i woke with the last day, when i realized i couldn't stay together with him long-term there will always be a part of me that will scream but you could have been married by now and it will always be right but at what cost, i ask it, because the boy i promised myself to was unambiguously abusive and i deserve better i'm scared and i hate myself for wanting (needing) a spouse like how fucking dependent do i even want to be but sometimes i think the days would go by easier with a second half of me at my side i'm sitting here fucking crying again because what is falling night earlier and what are sleep schedules and why is it dark when i just want to curl up inside of it and disappear because no one will miss me i'm a failure, i still don't have a job, there's something i'm doing wrong and no one will tell me what it is, i have to be doing something wrong if no one will hire me but knowing me it's something i won't be able to do anyway because i'm a horrible piece of shit thankfully my $800 in additional loan payments doesn't come out until the 8th of december so i still have some time, i have time to un-fuck up, i think, i'm scared, i'm just really scared what if this is all i deserve to be alone and unemployed with no friends but my family i had a horrible thought when i was home that if my mom died i'd probably just kill myself because i can't imagine living without her she's literally the only real life friend i have right now none of it fucking matters at this point i can't meet new people and i can't connect with old people that i was never that close with anyway, anyone i was friends with in undergrad and law school and even high school, they've all forgotten me because it's my own fault i didn't stay in contact and somehow they socialized more with other people and i still can't figure that out i'm so pathetic that i can't even keep someone else's apartment clean and i'm just so angry at myself and i don't deserve nice things i don't deserve friends or people who love me if my drugs aren't working i'm scared to change them because what if side effects jesse and people keep talking about how once you get on the "right" drugs everything suddenly becomes clear and you become un-depressed--is that even true, it seems like a fairy tale, i will never not have been depressed and the drugs just barely make me able to get out of bed mom transferred money to me today and it's just kind of a constant reminder that i'm going further into debt to my parents and that my life is worth x amount of money that i would save them (but then i'm not sure if suicide is ad&d covered so it'd probably cost more than if i were to stay alive but at this point the math is probably a wash anyway) i'm starting to feel we stayed together out of fear of dying alone i've been slipping through the years my old clothes don't fit like they once did so they hang like ghosts of the people i've been it's like my heart can't contain and i fall in love every day i feel like a fool i have to face the truth that no one could ever look at me like you do like i'm something worth holding onto there's times i think of leaving but it's something i'll never do 'cause you can do better than me but i can't do better than you you can do better than me but i can't do better than you
i don't want to kill myself, i just want to cause myself a whole lot of physical pain to purge myself of my mental pain and wake up later with no shred of mental illness left--but since that's impossible... i don't want to feel like this anymore, i don't want to feel like a failure, but i have no idea where to go from here
my mother absolutely does not understand what executive dysfunction is i paid the rent even though i had no indication of what the amount was, and when i called her to tell her i did that (after not being able to do it for two days because what is depression and what is brainfog and what is guilt) she immediately guilt-tripped me over not getting a receipt and not getting a light fixed like sorry mom i have bigger problems i have dishes in my sink that haven't gotten done for two weeks and i have a filthy apartment the light is going to have to wait for another while i can live with it then there was this i called like she asked after the first message, but i hung up when it was clear that all she wanted to do was yell at me for things she'd already yelled at me about. i really do understand that she's frustrated with me but it's not going to help because i too am frustrated with me and kind of want to die a little bit and want her to just leave me the fuck alone for a little bit so i can sort out my fucking life
i am crying and shaking and i want to throw up and i'm now morphed into a quivering wet uesless ball of nothing in the corher of my couch
i'm so tired of crying every other day i'm tired of my sleep schedule being fucked and i'm tired of executive dysfunction someone on my tumblr suggested that i say "fuck it" to the universe and stay alive because people are pissed off that i exist but today that's striking me in exactly the wrong way because i don't want to piss people off i'm not sure i'll ever internalize the message that there are people who care about me and their feelings (about my feelings) matter or something
http://2x2verse.tumblr.com/post/132941646420/jumpingjacktrash-roachpatrol-yo-to-all-the i'm taking this post so personally and it's fucking me up so bad because it's. completely untrue to my lived experience i'm completely serious i don't think there are meds that work like that, i don't think there's such a thing as a fairytale ending like that for a mental illness (cocktail) like mine, i don't think you can medicate dysthymia, i don't think you can medicate personality disorders, you can't medicate autism like what if there's no meds that work like that for a person what if that happens, what if there's just nothing what am i supposed to do
