have been in bed since 8 pm on a saturday night because it's dark out and i'm tired. no one to talk to. never go out with anyone. like it's okay i'm 99% sure i'm going to die alone and it's no more than i deserve because i don't ~love myself~ enough for someone to love me or give a fuck about me
my therapist saying you don't love yourself keeps echoing in my head you need to love yourself you just need to love yourself. no indication as to how this is supposed to happen! just a thing that i don't do enough of. it's making me feel like shit for wanting attention. and wanting irl friends. because at least that would distract me. but the reason i don't have irl friends is, apparently, because you don't love yourself enough. and the reason why i can't keep irl friends is because all i do is sperg with them about my special interests, and when they move on they'll just leave me behind. i feel incredibly lonely right now and it's been pinned definitively on me as the root cause because you don't love yourself like you should and that's why i can't keep people in my life and that's why i act out for attention. asking for attention is bad. i can't do that. needing human interaction is fucked up. i shouldn't need other people to function. the solution is to stop asking. except now i'm convinced i'm not real. i don't even know what my brain is doing. Spoiler: nsfw i would also love to get fucking laid. it's been since january 2011 that i've had contact with a flesh and blood penis and it's been since june 2013 that i had sex with another person. i'm touch-starved. but wanting that is selfish. which is why like every year i end up dropping an absurd amount of money on a new sex toy. i don't even blame people for not wanting to have sex with me, i never go out and i'm not conventionally attractive and i'm having major body image issues right now and i have a lot of self-consciousness about the appearance of my undercarriage. at least i had sex while i could, i guess. while i was still attractive and young and not so self-conscious. but we're coming up on six years from last cishet sex and three and a half years from last sex and even with all my accoutrements i still can't get myself off reliably and it's not the same. it's never the same. still feels like tickling myself. it's okay. i'm 27 and i've already had three different people give me irl orgasms. (it's not okay. i just want kissed again, touched like i mean something and like i exist.) i'm fucking disgusting. i'm so needy. i have to stop being so fucking greedy. i shouldn't need external validation. i shouldn't need people to tell me how amazing i am, especially since i don't believe them anyway. i shouldn't even need to talk to anyone. and the reason why no one cares is because there's nothing in here to care about, i'm just scattershot fragments of special interests that i can't even remember the details of so how much of a sperg are they, really, and because it's human nature. people only care when you do something for them. if i'm not entertaining people somehow, i may as well not exist.
petition to add 4:30 in the afternoon after a 3 hour nap to that tumblr post listing places where reality is a little distorted/thin Spoiler i haven't been real for two days and it's really fucking me up. today i am out of one of my medications. tomorrow i have to transfer it from one pharmacy chain to another because the old one is out of network. i still haven't called the psychiatrist or my car insurance to have my car fixed (even though, as some may remember, it was dented more than a few months ago). it's just really sad when you're cleaning the apartment for the sole purpose of finding your replacement craft knife blades.
https://the-real-seebs.tumblr.com/post/151723609378/hey-so-um-suppose-hypothetically-that-theres your problem is that you just don't love yourself enough if you would just be happy you could be a force of good but you can't even do that can you this is just such bullshit
http://jumpingjacktrash.tumblr.com/post/151763843524/here-is-the-advice-i-tell-myself-when-i-feel me. the advice is to jettison me. because i can't jettison the fear of money, and i can't jettison my job (already did), and i can't jettison my parents without them ramping up abusive behavior. sexily defenestrates myself
"sexily defenestrates" is pretty good, though? I dunno what to say about the "love yourself" thing, I mean, that's really hard to do for a lot of people. And it's hard for anyone else to explain, because from where I sit, "knowing pixels and not loving em" sounds really weird. Like how do you even do that? So I can't explain how do thing. :(
my therapist treats it like the predicate which will solve every other problem. the reason other people apparently don't like me is because i apparently don't love myself. which, other people like me, apparently? i don't know why. i don't like me very much. and you don't have to love yourself for people to think you're fun to hang around with. self-deprecating humor is a thing, and a skill that i've learned. but like. apparently i won't ever be happy if i can't love myself. and i don't know how that works? i mean. to me it's painfully obvious that if i don't give a shit about my own (mental) health, no one else will. and irl i'm really the only person that cares about me. i have no support network. and i'm having compassion fatigue. i honestly do not have the energy anymore. and i probably haven't had the energy for going on three and a half years now. i'm fucking tired of being the only person within driving distance that gives a fuck how i feel. but i can't make other people give a shit about me. all i can do is just be me, even though i'm painfully aware that i'm unpleasant as hell right now because of brainweasels.
Next session, you should say, "Therapist! I have given careful consideration to your words! I thought and thought and considered and considered and I came up with this: Love is a burning thing And it makes a fiery ring Now, do you have any advice that doesn't involve combustion? 'Cause I could use some of that shit right about now."
@rigorist aggressively likes this post because this level of irritation at my therapist is gonna give me fucking hemorrhoids (also like. Mr. Big Esq. was obsessed with johnny cash so i get the joke but i would also appreciate it if you wouldn't from now on)
OK, no joking around. Serious talk. It seems to me the term "love yourself" is a semantic mess. If one is loving one's self, one is sort of standing outside of one's self and looking in and admiring what one sees. To me, that sounds like a a description of some sort of extreme narcissism or schizophrenia. I think it's safe to assume that is not what your therapist is encouraging you to do. So it's just kind of a cliched phrase that doesn't really mean what the words say. My experience is that as I go through life, I am generally not very aware of myself. I can't really say I "love" myself. I just "am" myself. However, when I am sad or worried or anxious, I am very aware of some sort of "self" and have these internal dialogs with it. I don't know if that is your experience, but maybe it is. If this is the case for you, maybe an achievable goal is to decrease the amount of self-dialog and "be" more. I have found that half-assed meditation (mostly just breath counting) can shut that shit up for a little bit. That's my experience, for what it's worth.
Yeah, I can't really 'love myself' in a way similar to how I love other people. Which is why when I'm in a pretty bad spiral, sometimes I pretend that these aren't actually my problems, and a friend - usually a specific one! - is describing them to me. Would I call my sibling pathetic for this thing, or berate my best friend for that other thing? Even if they gave me all the context I loathe about myself? Probably not! It's easier to be kind to other people, so by doing that, I can think of reasons why the thing I did doesn't actually make me the worst person on earth with no redeeming traits in a way I believe, and THEN I apply that to myself and forgive myself a little.
therapist said to just erase "love yourself so other people can love you" because it clearly wasn't helpful. wish she hadn't said it at all but at least she's not going to use that framing going forward. she asked me to think back to a time when things were okay and i had to regress back to when i was fucking fourteen years old. that's half a lifetime ago. apparently this is the point at which some people go to the hospital.
i cannot fucking believe this Spoiler: suicide cw (NOT MINE) i have now had this conversation separately with two different people today. "how was your week?" "well, i kind of walked in on a suicide attempt on wednesday night and i got her to spit out the pills, so thursday and friday were a loss, but i did save someone's life." therapist: oh my god, you're a hero. why don't you feel like a hero? you saved someone's life. that's impressive. i'm not surprised you were out of it for a few days, it sounds like it was emotionally intense for you, but you did the right thing AND you knew your limits when it came to helping! you stalled for long enough that she got to the hospital. i'm so proud of you. parents: so is this a forum where people just complain about stuff all the time and don't want to get better? because that's what it sounds like, is that you're online in a place that's encouraging you to wallow in stuff that shouldn't even be problems. you shouldn't have even been there to notice. even if you did, you shouldn't have said anything, because that was just endangering yourself, to put yourself in that situation. and what is this about being out of commission for two days? because i know you can't be suicidal either, so what's your problem? you can't just decide to give up and quit on stuff just because you were in a place you shouldn't have been doing things you shouldn't have been doing. i'm only barely paraphrasing.
Spoiler: disgusting room okay but now my mind is fixated on it would probably be good if i was brutally stranger-raped, in that "i'll give you something to cry about" sense
today i did nothing right didn't want to go to my therapy appt, got caffeine instead that i shouldn't be drinking got told while i was there that my outstanding balance was too high for me to even be seen by my therapist, be careful what you wish for bought two bottles of wine that i couldn't afford and shouldn't be drinking failed miserably at modding skyrim broke bartender's corkscrew on more expensive bottle of wine twice had to lay down to fully appreciate the extent of my failures had to buy new wing corkscrew that was more expensive than both bottles of wine put together drank the entire bottle of fucking wine while i uninstalled all the fucking mods so i can maybe try again with a fresh install jesus christ make it stop can't seem to convince self that anything but popcorn and sharp cheddar is food accidentally used debit card instead of paypal for activating office 2016 on mac accidentally closed computer 2/3 of the way through office 2016 download, necessitating a restart of the entire fucking download which ended up taking three hours for literally zero reason found out i didn't even need to download it, all i had to do was activate it, because i'm a dumbass i need to vent about an extremely disturbing piece of intrusive thought that i've been dealing with lately and it's getting so bad that i need to do it through a fic which means i am already having the internal holy shit i can't believe i'm about to post this nightmare without even having started it for the record, the intrusive thought is Spoiler: REALLY FUCKING BAD i need to go out and get violently stranger raped, at least then i'd have something to really be upset about and really cry about and i've already vented about it in this thread more than once but somehow that's not good enough all people do when they give me money is just give me a reason to put off my suicide for another month
