i moved them off my fandom blog to my venting blog still want to throw up with how humiliating everything is
really is true tho every time i eat i'm just thinking of how much money it costs to Be Me and to feed me so it just feels like i'm shoveling dollar bills and spare change down my piehole in a frantic attempt to be less hungry when depression is convincing me that it's a good thing that i'm hungry and self-image issues are encouraging self-starvation because maybe then i'll lose the weight i've been holding onto for five years and depression is also telling me that nothing tastes good anyway so why even bother i'm kind of fucked on this issue right now because it's attacking me from like seven different angles and i know it's dangerous but i'm still eating what i can even if it's not much please believe me
I DID IT I WROTE THE THING I FINISHED IT NOW I GET TO GO EAT CHOCOLATE IN BED WHILE I COOL DOWN THIS IS A HAPPY VENT I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE BUT IT'S SUCH A FUCKING RELIEF
walk into therapy this morning first thing therapist says: "you're looking thinner!" cue 30 seconds of silence while i try to make her ashamed for that comment by bringing up actually i'm developing an eating disorder on accident
I can't solidly disprove this but I'm gonna disagree on principle anyways hopefully she was at least a little embarassed by this, eventually Spoiler: completely inappropriate humor my kneejerk response would be, once she realized how far she'd inserted foot into mouth, to go 'HAHAHA EAT IT' which would be immature and Disruptive but highly topical
Ok, but if you're not real and I am disembodied words in the internet, then who was phone? And, yeah, your therapist fucked up there.
so i'm incredibly lonely and my chest feels empty whenever i read just casual stuff like "my spouse" "my boyfriend" "my qpp" like. christ. i want things. and it's not fair to anyone else.
disturbed that i Relate so much to the communication cards i just found. i think i bookmarked over 20 of them? Spoiler: links No Talking http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC115S Anxiety card http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC119S Depression card http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC114 Time out http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC109 too much http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC107 ASC disclosure http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC093 Sensory Overload http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC017 Overwhelming (non specific) http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC085 Brain Fog http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC004 Speak Coherently http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC005 Speech 1 http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC029 Go Away http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC033 "Think" http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC036 ASD Eye Contact http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC053 Mental health http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC057 Awesome On Strike http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC063 ASC new routine http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC072 Panic Attack http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC073S unexpected change http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC111 Recharging http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/CC123 'Today Is' Wristbands http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/epages/747384.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/747384/Products/WRI03 also haha i would really like to go on disability but what's funny is that i'd need to get a lawyer for it and also i haven't worked long enough for p much anything and i don't have diagnoses and i'm broken and useless haha i did do laundry today. that was like. one small part of my list for going home. oh well
"except for depression and anxiety" FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. IT'S NOT MY PERSONALITY DISORDER OR MY AUTISM THAT'S LITERALLY TRYING TO KILL ME
ow ow ow ow ow it feels like there's something trying to stab me in the ribs except from the inside? this literally makes no sense unless it's extreme psychosomatic anxtitty fuuuuck meeeeeeee
if you wear a binder or sports bra i've noticed that sometimes my ribs lock, which feels to me like a tiny gremlin is tugging my lung pieces through my ribs, so if that description is familiar, you could seek either a chiropractor or someone who is capable of popping the bits where your ribs connect to your spine -pats-
:/ sounds p bad, man. is there a public health phone line for your state? that might be helpful, and less anecdotal/alarming than Dr. Google
shit, I just rememebered phones are contraindicated for autism and therefore not helpful. my bad. I hope the stabbing pain has lessened or potentially gone away
hello i am mad at myself because i keep thinking that having a significant other will solve all my problems i can't find one local with my current social issues my social circle online is currently extremely limited because of mental problems keeping me from interacting the limerence would be a really nice distraction from feeling other things maybe if someone else loves me i cna confince myself it's worth it if i were dating someone new or engaged or something it wouldn't be as embarrassing for this year's christmas party "oh yeah, i had a job for six months but then i almost killed myself. in fact i am still almost killing myself every day. end my life" someone besides just S and P could help me with the real or not real shit other people can't solve my problems for me i would really like to cuddle tho. and hold hands. and probably kiss. and maybe have sex but i'm way too self conscious about the entire way i look right now i think a lot of me feeling not real would be solved if i had someone to cuddle with on a regular basis so i could feel more like i'm In A Body that can feel more than just bad things (proof: G, from years ago, but we weren't even dating hahahhahahhah ha ha hh a) i'm upset and i'm not real and i want to actually feel like i am loved because i'm not really Feelin It right now and i don't know whether that means i'm just emotionally dead inside or whether that's a fact or whether it's just the people i'm surrounded with right now or what. i feel really broken and dysfunctional for wanting to be in love with someone, or for wanting romantic love, when i can't even fucking take care of myself. i just really miss that feeling of romantic attachment sometimes. please god make me a stone
Spoiler: disordered eating??? just to be safe also i'm still not eating well. today i had: 1 biscuit (of the Pillsbury Grands variety) with like 1 spoonful of cranberry relish 1 russian tea cake. maybe half the size of my palm. buttery pecan cookie covered in powdered sugar 6 baby carrots 1 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (maybe not even that much? hard to tell) 1 cup of whatever beef roast thing mom made tonight and i still feel like i might throw up in my sleep and wake myself up again like i did in the middle of the night last night! what the fuck!!!
HELLO I ACCIDENTALLY TOOK 20MG CELEXA THIS MORNING EVEN THOUGH I TOOK 20MG CELEXA LAST NIGHT (i'm gonna live i'm just gonna be spacey and tired af whoops)
