Eating as little as you are is still not healthy. :I I'm sorry your brain is preventing you from eating, I'm glad the negative effects of that are being slow to develop.
upside: i ate a package of poptarts today and a taco bell quesadilla. this is actually a lot of food for me right now, like two whole meal even? i am not sure if my sniffle is connected with me not eating as well as i could, but it was a little better earlier? and i still have five other packages of poptarts so i can eat them in the mornings like actual real adult breakfast food. downside: I AM A STUPID DUMB IDIOT AND DROVE LITERALLY SEVEN HOURS TODAY TO GO TO AND RETURN FROM A BOOKSTORE IN A CITY THAT'S LIKE 200 MILES FROM HERE TO SEE IF THEY HAD THE JOURNALS I WANTED. THEY DID NOT. THEY HAD THE BRAND AND THE SIZE BUT NOT THE LAYOUT. DUMB STUPID DUMB IDIOT DUMB. I SLEPT MAYBE 3 WHOLE HOURS LAST NIGHT AND BARELY ATE ANYTHING YESTERDAY WHICH PROBABLY DID NOT HELP THE SLEEPING ISSUE BECAUSE I WOKE MYSELF UP AT LEAST ONCE FROM MY STOMACH FORCIBLY DEFLATING FOR LIKE 15 SECONDS STRAIGHT. I AM EXHAUSTED NOW. I HAVE A KILLER HEADACHE. I MAKE STUPID DUMB IDIOT DECISIONS WHEN I GET WANDERLUST AND A NEW SPECIAL INTEREST. I ORDERED LIKE $175 WORTH OF JOURNALS TODAY AND I BOUGHT LIKE $100 WORTH OF STATIONERY YESTERDAY. FUCK ME. FUCK ME AND FUCK MY BAD DECISIONS. upside: i'm doing this as an investment for me, and if i customize these journals right this could be a really good way to track my recovery. like, mood trackers. habit trackers. weather trackers to go with the mood trackers. a to-done list, and all of this in the same place. all made artsy because i can be creative when i want even when it's minimalistic. and all that money was xmas money. i still have ~$225 to spend on me that was all for gifts. downside: I'M A DUMB STUPID IDIOT, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT? ALSO I'M AFRAID I WON'T SLEEP AGAIN TONIGHT! AND THAT MY PARENTS WILL SEE TRANSACTIONS FROM [MIDPOINT CITY] AT TWO DIFFERENT TIMES TODAY TO BE ABLE TO TRACK ME!!! AND I WANT TO GET OFF THE MEDS CAROUSEL! ALSO I WOULD NOT MIND PETTING A DOG AND I DON'T HAVE A DOGGO TO PETTE!! MY HEAD HURTS! I FEEL LIKE YELLING BUT THAT WOULD HURT MY HEAD! I CAN'T STOP BERATING MYSELF!!!
You're allowed to go on an all day drive sometimes. If you had a nice time driving then it wasn't dumb.
HELLO I AM SCREAMING ABOUT MONEY TONIGHT BECAUSE today was the monthly phone call about how much i cost to maintain we're now doing it twice a month because dad's job or something? i smell bullshit but anyway i had a surprise quarterly loan payment due that i did not budget in yet i paid my marketplace insurance back on 12/14 and it showed up on my bank statement but i still don't have my insurance card or a login and this is bullshit because i have a therapy appointment on saturday? like i do every saturday?? and they'll need my new insurance? i found out when opening my mail that i owe piddly amounts to like, an old place i live and a cable company i no longer use people billed me for shit after i cancelled. i hope i'm not in trouble for not making those payments which i was not obligated to make i received a past due notice for the quarterly loan back in like july? i think i paid double for the next payment but i hope i'm not still in trouble for that? the tollway association sent my account to a bill collector C': i paid all of it but it was more than $80 and it should only have been $6.06 or something stupid if i had paid it on time and now i don't know if i have to pay the bill collector or not still since i paid the thing????? this probably helped to tank my credit rating fuck me and fuck my life i hate snail mail i never remember to check it and it's always bad news re: money i also paid a loan which stopped auto-paying once it came out of deferment and my rent and that always hurts SCREAM
i am having a time period where my mood and emotions are actually fairly Good but i keep seeing Bad things in everything. like, neutral statement that could be interpreted one of two ways? TAKE IT AS FAR DOWN THE BAD PATH AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO GO i have no idea why my brain is doing this to me
FUCK YOU, AMBETTER I PAID THE PREMIUM BACK IN DECEMBER. GIVE ME MY ID CARD AND CHANGE MY MEMBER STATUS TO ACTIVE, YOU FUCKS THIS IS THE SECOND PHONE CALL I'VE HAD TO MAKE IN THE PAST SEVEN DAYS, GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER YOU FUCKING FUCKS
whaaaaat th e fuuuuuCUUUUUUUUCK i had caffeine this morning so i could stay on target and get shit done I HAVE GOTTEN NOTHING DONE AND IT IS NOW ONE IN THE AFTERNOON
agdq is keeping me from getting things done and i'm p much too tired to care. i'm getting through life on sheer determination right now which is why my moods are still neutral instead of plummeting. i picked at my nails today, specifically on my feet. bad. bad hurt bad. still can't focus. still fuck my jaw. i'm starting to wonder if me opening my jaw as far as i can is actually just casually dislocating it? the amount i can open it now without hurting the joint, i can only fit two fingers between my front teeth. doing it as far as i can (which hurts like a motherfucker right now) is four fingers. and also i think there's a bone/cartilage structure that moves to just under my cheekbones? i'm confused, i've been doing this my whole life, is this bad? what is even happening
Guh, I typed this up on tumblrn then my internet gave out on me. Jaw tension issues can be self-sustaining because it's almost impossible to relax those bits long enough for your body to chill and the pain lot go away. I had an issue tha sounds almost exactly what you're describing in college, where it got bad enough thatch could barely eat. The clinic people have me some basic muscle relaxants, and in a few days, things cleared up. I don't know enough to make a judgment call on whether this is the exact same causes, etc., but there is potentially a relatively easy fix.
do normal people just have.... money...... that they can spend........ on whatever they want.......... because even when i had a job i didn't have enough money for basic car repairs............ and i'm so far in debt with student loans that i honestly do not foresee a day when i have money left over for Nice Things without stressing out about it...............
In my experience it gets easier but unless you have lotto-winner money, never wholly goes away. You just get a little more armor, a little more hit points.
like... okay i'm searching for planner stickers on etsy. and they're fucking adorable. but a lot of them are for things like "no spend" which as i understand it means not spending on frivolous things like, idk, jewelry at target or unneeded shoes or something--apparently i live a no-spend lifestyle already? and i still don't have enough money? i feel bad for spending too much money on groceries? or it's a sticker for things like SHOPPING! :D :D :D and it's got someone holding like twelve different bags and i'm??? i don't? the last time i went "shopping" was in november and i still feel guilty about it? or like i've seen stickers for just about every bill due reminder, like "electric" "gas" "water" "rent" "credit card" NOTHING FOR STUDENT LOANS. IT'S LIKE STUDENT LOANS DON'T EXIST FOR THESE TWEE MOTHERFUCKERS or i'll go to some fashion website or something and it's like TWENTY TRENDS YOU MUST TRY THIS SEASON and? people have?? money??? to just???? keep up with fashion????? what the fuck?????? i don't even have the money to buy the suits i need for my job???????
Ahh, it me. I know that even when I was dead broke and desperately looking for a job, I couldn't stop myself from doing junk like paying for a shirt that looked cute online even though it was too cheap to trust, it would be thinner and crappier than it looked in the photo, I wouldn't be able to use it, and I didn't have the money to waste on shit like this. And the shirt arrived and it was horrible and there were no returns and I never wore it :') Those stickers are probably made for people like me, but they wouldn't work, because I will always find a way to justify the dumb purchase in my head. I'm not nearly as bad about therapy shopping as I used to be, but like, this week I found out I had a pile of overdue medical bills I never knew about and can't afford to pay right away...... so I'm stressed enough that I have not been able to stay away from amazon (it's practical home goods! i need these objects! for my apartment! this is definitely a need!), and I've barely managed to restrict myself to one modcloth order (work clothes! they're practical and i need more of them! and also this cute thing since i'm placing an order anyways). And all this while I'm trying to save to move. It's really bad, and I'm lucky that my parents are chill about my loans and my work situation is solid, but as I get stressed (even when it's stress because i don't have any money), my impulse control goes right to hell. Sometimes the best I can do is diverting that behavior pattern into buying shockwave pillows presents for people :P
Yup. For some people shopping is a stress relief mechanism. It's not for me, because I have an intense dislike of shopping, combined with an inability to see pretty clothes as anything other than frivolous spending :( For me though, I do stress eating, which is where I put money when I am stressed out. Yes, I spent 20 euros on one trip to the store to buy food I didn't really need, but it's food you see! So it's not frivolous spending!
EVERY WINDOW IN MY APARTMENT IS LEAKING IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN UNTIL THREE A.M. FUCKING MURDER ME DEAD
i took an antianxiety for the first time in literal months. i think it helped? my blood pressure is Certainly down and i Certainly feel a little queasy
i should really Not Talk when i am lorazepam stoned i mean i shouldn't talk ever but in particular i really shouldn't talk when i have no filter bceause like. you think ordinary me has no filter. you haven't even met "doesn't realize they're making people uncomfortable" levels of me yet i'm also not copherent and barely stringing sentences together. whee. i'm going to bed. fuck today
