i bought $85 worth of groceries today and now i want to sob because i am not worth that much with food (ignore that it was like three weeks of frozen food and getting ready to make a casserole that will also freeze well)
i'm on this website too much and i talk too much and i think likes are my value as a human being and if i don't get attention then how am i real honestly no one gives a fuck what i have to say haha or if they do they shouldn't because haha
no. just. no no. no. no. no. no. no. a screaming bag of no. i want to work again but i am fucking terrified i'm going to crash and burn like i did last time. i need steady hours. i need less stress. i have so many expenses. i'm so scared.
"how are you making mental health progress" [brucebanner.jpg] my moods are high(er), my thoughts remain below. my executive dysfunction has fucked off to parts unknown. tonight i brushed my teeth (yay) for the first time in over a week and a half (GROSS FUCKING DISGUSTING YOU PIECE OF SHIT). i am restless and want to Work but i know that standing up for my boundaries is not really accepted in the fields i've prepared for, and that it's unlikely that i'll get hired because i'm a low-energy person and i need a lot of downtime to compensate for a high-stress work environment. also honestly i'd rather fuck around and play vidya all day on the off chance that i'll have a good day that i can do something about in my personal time than start burying my feels in work again because uh. i tend to do that. i tend to just. don't like what i'm feeling? WORK MY ASS OFF AND THEN WONDER WHY I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT. (i learned it from watching you, dad!) things to bring up this weekend in therapy. nervous about going on new drug probably on wednesday (will insurance even cover my prescriptions anymore? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS I SURE DON'T). really fucking self-hating right now for taking an antianxiety last night even though it was probably called for. i want a s/o again, but like. i'm fucking tired, okay? feeling things for myself is exhausting. being in limerence with someone right now sounds like way too much work on top of the work i'm already doing for me. plus i know i'm too boring to get someone's attention and too much of a negative person to keep it :') what i really want is a menial 30 hr/wk job but getting paid like. a lot of money to do it. or someone else paying my student loans for me and all my expenses so i can just spend my job money on things i want. this was my situation before law school. it was ideal. i didn't have to go to work before 10, i left work at a reasonable time, and i had evenings and weekends free for Me Stuff, plus i had no rent/groceries/utilities because i was living at home and i hadn't incurred another fuckton of debt and i was only paying off part of my loans because not all of them were out of deferment yet. i really don't think i can get that again. i really don't think i'm cut out for being an adult. i really don't think i can manage life if i have another breakdown again, and i'm really scared that's going to happen. the first breakdown and recovering from it apparently didn't fix things, even though i got through the rest of college and 3 years of law school and 1 year post law school "just fine" (functioning). the second breakdown now and i'm slowly realizing that what i want actually matters (at the ripe age of 27) and honestly what i want is to not have to worry about financial stuff. i want other people paying all my bills. i want my money for fun things, not for paying bills. i don't want student loans anymore but i'm trapped with them for the next 25+ years. i really don't think i'm equipped to "adult" like most people are. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
no one should ever look up to me or ask me for advice or even talk to me i am a 27 year old with a law degree and a license to practice and all i want is to be a child again and to have no responsibilities because honestly doing day to day tasks is still a lot to ask from me i can't even manage three meals a day right now
me: my mood's been better, i'm better at identifying feelings, my therapist noticed my determination, and i'm doing slightly more things my brain: how dare you say you're recovering in any meaningful sense when you're still the same fucking mess you've always been
me: so i'm a little but not in like a sexual way, in a way like i want to find someone to marry who will give me sex and also money and make sure i never have to work
guys i think i might be depressed again jesus christ that mood upswing lasted like three weeks this time god damn it
Friends are hard, how do? (My general technique: sperg at people until someone is interested) I don't know you that well, but I always perk up at your postings because there's a lot to like, y'know?
if it helps, i'm in ... a similar boat with "why am i spending money on food oh no oh no". I got on an EBT card this year and 65$ on food is still really scary to me, as compared to my college budget of "yeah i can spend 25$ on groceries in a month that seems livable" that said, you seem like you're making really healthy buying choices anyway, since if i don't make a intricately detailed list and talk to anyone at the store, I'll end up buying five packs of fruit snacks and some babybel cheeses also i am fucking terrible at talking to people but i like seeing your posts and stuff because there's always good information and good humor and relatable content soo
You'd think that after having known each other so long, I'd have some idea how to friend, and yet, here I am :V In lieu of skilled social interaction, I got you a post about a catfish that ate part of an SS soldier! Or you can always poke me into sperging at you about robots, that's a pretty solid guarantee i will be there :P (also, a possible compromise between not-working and the stress of your last lawyering job, maybe looking at general corporate work? i'm not sure what the options are because i have an awful grasp of how even just the engineering corner of things works, but i get the impression that there are things out there that you'd qualify for. maybe not something you'd want to stick with in the long term, but probably lower stress than pure law, and time to find your footing and build up experience/savings. my parents tell me the rule of thumb for an big organization engineer is that they don't even expect you to be fully productive until like a year in. the learning curve for other jobs is probably shorter, but it'd be a place where you'd have way more structure and backup and fluff to cushion you than that one practice had)
so i'm late for stridercest week. me being late for things is not new i wrote today for the first time this month, and i posted it too i wrote it straight into the tumblr text form (which is notorious for being a buggy, glitchy piece of shit) with minimal editing in 45ish minutes it turned out being ~1.8k long, aka longer than nano daily requirements, and people really like it i am ashamed that i didn't try harder and embarrassed that people like it when i post bullshit like that
i wrote today's into the tumblr text form as well, more time, felt like it was shorter than i wanted was still +6k what the fuck
