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Puns?

Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by Deresto, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. Deresto

    Deresto According to all known laws of aviation, there is

    a thread for jokes, puns, and wordplay. just pun me up.
     
    • Like x 1
  2. soulsuckingisaacnewton

    soulsuckingisaacnewton strange fuzzy creature

    What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
    I don't know and I don't care.
     
    • Like x 10
    • Winner x 1
  3. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    [​IMG]
     
    • Like x 8
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  4. Minitiate

    Minitiate Delicious

    I came up with the phrase "in excel sheets deo" a couple days ago, but not sure how one would make it into a funny joke.

    Also this forum saves posts as drafts for after you navigate away form a page and come back the next morning, which is pretty interesting.
     
    • Like x 5
  5. swirlingflight

    swirlingflight inane analysis and story spinning is my passion

    Of all the puns I've ever seen, one in particular is my favorite.

    A good steak pun is a rare medium well done.

    I mean, it even rhymes!
     
    • Like x 10
    • Winner x 1
  6. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    i particularly like this one because it popped out of my mouth fully formed.

    i work at a coffee shop, and our manager got rid of the spatula we'd been using to level scoops of coffee beans. a coworker came up to me and asked how he was supposed to make sure the scoops were level now.

    "if you're worried about levelling, just grind"
     
    • Like x 10
    • Winner x 1
  7. Acey

    Acey dawn breaks like a fallen vase

    Some of my favorite puns and jokes are the ones that require a bit of setup. Like this one, paraphrased from a Tumblr post:

    A young man asks his girlfriend to prom, and she says yes, so he goes to get the tickets. The line for tickets is really long, but eventually he gets them. Later, he goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long, but he does eventually snag a limo. Before he goes to pick up his girlfriend, he goes to get her some flowers. There's a really long line at the florist's shop, but he gets the flowers. Eventually they make it to the prom, and have a great time. At one point, the girl asks him if he could get her a glass of punch, and he says sure. He goes over to the refreshment table, and there's no punchline.
     
    • Like x 7
    • Winner x 1
  8. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I like to do things where I set the pun up, but do not actually deliver it, leaving the reader to figure it out.

    For instance, the Japanese have really weird porn, like, there's an entire genre about squat, muscled, gay, giant rodents.
     
    • Like x 2
  9. sicknastyspades

    sicknastyspades Most Rad.

    Everyone in this thread deserves one million years pungeon. Get thee to the punitentiary!

    Anyway, let me tell you a story about an old friend of my father's! This man was a very religious person, and, like most of my father's friends, he had some very strange habits. For one thing, he never wore shoes: he went barefoot absolutely everywhere, and the soles of his feet were absolutely rock-hard. He also ate very little, and when he did eat he was usually on some bizarre diet or other, so he always had almost no energy (and terrible breath besides). There are a lot of weird stories I could tell you about this guy, but right now the important thing is that he was a
    super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
     
    • Like x 8
    • Winner x 1
  10. Acey

    Acey dawn breaks like a fallen vase

    ...Are you Satan, Seebs? I'm not convinced you're not actually Satan. This is gonna bug me all day.
     
  11. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    capybara
     
    • Like x 8
    • Winner x 1
  12. strictly quadrilateral

    strictly quadrilateral alive, alive, alive!

    fUKC
     
    • Like x 1
  13. Acey

    Acey dawn breaks like a fallen vase

    oh my god
     
    • Like x 1
  14. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I understand there was actually a sequel to Abbott's Flatland, in which the residents of Flatland are confronted with a bunch of weird creatures composed of line segments, which grow longer whenever they eat something.

    And I believe that Samuel L. Jacksquare is playing the lead in Snakes on a Plane.
     
    • Like x 9
    • Winner x 1
  15. sicknastyspades

    sicknastyspades Most Rad.

    One of the greatest joys in life is sitting here smug on my throne of knowledge about rodents and Japanese porn, watching comprehension dawn on the faces all around me. I hope somebody flies off the handle about IT WAS SO FUKCIGN OBVIOUS HOW COULD I NOT because that is the most hilarious thing. (Seebs you should totally do a cryptic pun crossword or something.)
     
    • Like x 1
  16. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    One I picked up ages ago (not original to me, but I adjusted the delivery), is to interject in a conversation about foreign languages: The only thing I know how to say in Latin is "Gloria threw up on the bus on Monday."
     
    • Like x 1
  17. sicknastyspades

    sicknastyspades Most Rad.

    Do puns without the punchline count? Because my favourite joke ever is an amputated punchline with a cyborg replacement grafted on, and nobody except me has ever laughed at it:

    Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O."The second scientist says "I will also have some H2O please." The first scientist curses. His plan to kill the second scientist has been foiled yet again.
     
    • Like x 16
    • Winner x 1
  18. Wiwaxia

    Wiwaxia problematic taxon

    Oh, it it stupid chemistry puns time?
    ehehehehehehe

    What's this?
    [​IMG]
    a ferrous wheel

    What's this?
    [​IMG]
    a cis-turn

    @seebs: to be honest, I was expecting that Flatland joke to involve lesbians
     
    • Like x 5
    • Winner x 1
  19. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    I'm going to make dumb tumblr photo puns a nightly thing apparently.
    [​IMG]
     
    • Like x 7
  20. sicknastyspades

    sicknastyspades Most Rad.

    creeps into thread
    gestures vaguely at icon
    runs away
     
    • Like x 6
    • Winner x 1
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