Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by Deresto, Feb 25, 2015.
a thread for jokes, puns, and wordplay. just pun me up.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Spoiler: clickity click
I don't know and I don't care.
Spoiler: image punder the cut because large
I came up with the phrase "in excel sheets deo" a couple days ago, but not sure how one would make it into a funny joke.
Also this forum saves posts as drafts for after you navigate away form a page and come back the next morning, which is pretty interesting.
Of all the puns I've ever seen, one in particular is my favorite.
Spoiler: And it is:
A good steak pun is a rare medium well done.
I mean, it even rhymes!
i particularly like this one because it popped out of my mouth fully formed.
i work at a coffee shop, and our manager got rid of the spatula we'd been using to level scoops of coffee beans. a coworker came up to me and asked how he was supposed to make sure the scoops were level now.
Spoiler: so i told him
"if you're worried about levelling, just grind"
Some of my favorite puns and jokes are the ones that require a bit of setup. Like this one, paraphrased from a Tumblr post:
Spoiler: hell yeah
A young man asks his girlfriend to prom, and she says yes, so he goes to get the tickets. The line for tickets is really long, but eventually he gets them. Later, he goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long, but he does eventually snag a limo. Before he goes to pick up his girlfriend, he goes to get her some flowers. There's a really long line at the florist's shop, but he gets the flowers. Eventually they make it to the prom, and have a great time. At one point, the girl asks him if he could get her a glass of punch, and he says sure. He goes over to the refreshment table, and there's no punchline.
I like to do things where I set the pun up, but do not actually deliver it, leaving the reader to figure it out.
For instance, the Japanese have really weird porn, like, there's an entire genre about squat, muscled, gay, giant rodents.
Everyone in this thread deserves one million years pungeon. Get thee to the punitentiary!
Anyway, let me tell you a story about an old friend of my father's! This man was a very religious person, and, like most of my father's friends, he had some very strange habits. For one thing, he never wore shoes: he went barefoot absolutely everywhere, and the soles of his feet were absolutely rock-hard. He also ate very little, and when he did eat he was usually on some bizarre diet or other, so he always had almost no energy (and terrible breath besides). There are a lot of weird stories I could tell you about this guy, but right now the important thing is that he was a
Spoiler: stop me if you've heard this one before
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
...Are you Satan, Seebs? I'm not convinced you're not actually Satan. This is gonna bug me all day.
Spoiler: well, okay then
oh my god
I understand there was actually a sequel to Abbott's Flatland, in which the residents of Flatland are confronted with a bunch of weird creatures composed of line segments, which grow longer whenever they eat something.
Spoiler: don't say i didn't warn you
And I believe that Samuel L. Jacksquare is playing the lead in Snakes on a Plane.
One of the greatest joys in life is sitting here smug on my throne of knowledge about rodents and Japanese porn, watching comprehension dawn on the faces all around me. I hope somebody flies off the handle about IT WAS SO FUKCIGN OBVIOUS HOW COULD I NOT because that is the most hilarious thing. (Seebs you should totally do a cryptic pun crossword or something.)
One I picked up ages ago (not original to me, but I adjusted the delivery), is to interject in a conversation about foreign languages: The only thing I know how to say in Latin is "Gloria threw up on the bus on Monday."
Do puns without the punchline count? Because my favourite joke ever is an amputated punchline with a cyborg replacement grafted on, and nobody except me has ever laughed at it:
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O."The second scientist says "I will also have some H2O please." The first scientist curses. His plan to kill the second scientist has been foiled yet again.
Oh, it it stupid chemistry puns time?
a ferrous wheel
@seebs: to be honest, I was expecting that Flatland joke to involve lesbians
I'm going to make dumb tumblr photo puns a nightly thing apparently.
creeps into thread
gestures vaguely at icon
Kintsugi is based on the premise that nothing anyone can do or say makes it okay to treat them like trash. By logging in, you affirm that you understand this to be the foundational premise of the community. More on our community philosophy here.
Separate names with a comma.