Puns?

Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by Deresto, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. Acey

    Acey that's my fun and i like fun

    Got a few more, cribbed from my old puns tag on Tumblr...

    My math teacher called me average.

    How mean.

    Step 1: Become friends with Jesus of Nazareth.
    Step 2: ???
    Step 3: Prophet!

    I'm pretty sure I left the final part of my essay on a shelf I can't quite reach, but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

    What do you call a female Eeveelution attracted exclusively to other female Pokemon?

    A Lesbeon.

    How do French cats talk to each other?

    They chat.

    Don't ask me about my sexuality--you're not gonna get a straight answer.

    A woman gives birth to identical twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One of them is adopted by an Arab family and named Amal. The other is adopted by a Mexican family and named Juan.

    Years later, the woman is settled down and married, and gets a letter from Juan. She's ecstatic to see that he's doing very well, and he even included a picture of himself. She turns to her husband and says, "I only wish I had a photo of Amal as well!"

    Her husband responds, "Honey, they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
     
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  2. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    [​IMG]
    found on tumblr.
     
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  3. jpronghorn

    jpronghorn Member

    A sentence's reach should exceed its grasp, or what's a meta for?
     
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  4. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    Today, amazingly, Gaia has brought a fantastic one to my attention -

    You get them on eBae.
     
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  5. unknownanonymous

    unknownanonymous i am inimitable, i am an original|18+

  6. pixels

    pixels hiatus / only back to vent

    I ANSWER THE CALL

    A good pun is its own reword.
     
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  7. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    For the homestucks here: What do you get if you prototype a kernelsprite with a Coloner Sassacres?
    A Colonel-Sprite (read that out loud)
     
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  8. EulersBidentity

    EulersBidentity e^i*[bi] + 1

    This exchange between me and my friend while revising for exams.

    Me: Ugh, what am I doing. I just wrote that 1 + sinh^2(t) = cosh(t).
    Friend: That's a cosh(t) mistake.
     
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  9. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    If I pet the hell out of my cat, is she then a saint?
     
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  10. Totally David K

    Totally David K So totally David K. Yup. David K, definitely me.

    Did someone say PUNS

    I was auctioning off a portrait of a serial killer and was about to sell it to a guy for $150 when a lady offered to pay $100 for every person the guy'd killed. I gave it to her, of course, but my only thought was, "Well, that's morbid."
     
    • Like x 7
  11. Totally David K

    Totally David K So totally David K. Yup. David K, definitely me.

    Literally just happened, Bel and Wes can confirm: Friend said Google+ lagged on his computer and he didn't know why. Seeing his confusion, I asked if he was feeling nonplussed. "Negative," he replied.
     
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  12. EulersBidentity

    EulersBidentity e^i*[bi] + 1

    Also gestures vaguely at username/title (I promise I can do non-maths puns!)
     
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  13. Wiwaxia

    Wiwaxia problematic taxon

    I'm just disappointed you don't have a bident in your avatar. :V
     
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  14. BPD anon

    BPD anon Here I sit, broken hearted

    http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
    A website dedicated to a great pun

    also:
    Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

    The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

    The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

    The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

    And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
     
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  15. Wiwaxia

    Wiwaxia problematic taxon

    • Like x 1
  16. Exohedron

    Exohedron Doesn't like words

    Not a new pun, but I'm admitting to the "can't give a fork" submission to Seeb's tumblr a while back.
     
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  17. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    So if you´re playing Snake and the game fails on you, would that be an e-reptile dysfunction?
     
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  18. Deresto

    Deresto What's your favorite Pokemon?

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  19. Coriander

    Coriander Active Member

    So they are not actually puns, exactly, so much as phrases I've used in the last few days that I find exceedingly amusing:
    1) harder pressed than Giles Corey
    2) I orpheused that up
    3) I'm going to nail surprise deserts [or other definitely non-human noun] so hard it forgets it's own name
     
    • Like x 2
  20. Choco

    Choco Duke of the Weepy Marshmallow Brigade

    my crowning achievement was the time my friend made a tumblr post that was like "eats an entire block of cheese... this is fine" and i responded

    "i keep feeling like there’s a cheese pun to be made here, but nothing’s gouda nough"

    which was pretty cheesy i know
     
    • Like x 6
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