me: coworker, you shouldn't make that in the non-dairy pitcher. the protein powder is whey. coworker: no way! me: ... yes, whey.
What is the difference between a lobster with huge boobs and an old gross Greyhound terminal? Spoiler One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station
Puns are definitely my jam, so get ready for a longer one this time. Once upon a time in a village, there lived a Mad Scientist. The townsfolk were scared of him, but as he mostly kept to himself, nobody bothered him. One day word got out that he was making clones of himself to have an army big enough to conquer the surrounding countryside. Several of the townsfolk led by the Stenographer, Librarian, and the Milkman went to confront the scientist. Before they left, the townsfolk got pitchforks and torches, while the Stenographer carried pens, the Librarian books, and the Milkman bottles of milk. When they all got to the Scientist's lair, they found the rumors to be true; there were clones wandering around everywhere! The clones attacked, and the townsfolk defended themselves. The Stenographer poked them to death with pens, the Librarian clobbered them over the heads with books, and the Milkman smashed their heads in with milk bottles. It took nearly an hour but through the combined effort of the now exhausted townsfolk, all the clones lay dead. Suddenly, the Milkman spotted the Mad Scientist getting into a car to flee! In a last ditch effort, he slung a milk bottle, already shaken up from the fight, at the Scientist, but it broke harmlessly against the car and dripped down the side. As the Scientist was driving away, he leaned out the window and shouted at the townsfolk: Spoiler "Bics and tomes may break my clones, but curds will never hurt me!"
-raises thread from the dead- What do you call it when you put on your steampunk clothes? Spoiler Gearing up. Also, you know those gloves in D&D that have an enchantment on them so you can store a small object in each of them that you can recall into your hand any time? Well, it's not really a pocket dimension, it's more of a glove compartment. (This one also works in German, by the way. Handschuhfach.)
oh there's a whole thread fpr puns. goooooooood. at last i am home. furthermore: medical leeches communicate with each other by sending bloodletters.
Seven people liked that post, but none of them told me that my pun ticked them off. I'm really disappointed, guys.
did you expect us to flea from the thread? i'm pretty sure all the pun-haters know better than to come here. Spoiler: okay a bunch more people are liking my retort but not what i was retorting to was the tick too small to see
i gotta say, i'm not a fan of the whole, making a statue of just someone's head and upper torso thing. that idea was kind of a bust.
Sister: Of course The Lion King is a Hamlet AU! They're lions! Me: Exactly, so you can't trust anything they say.
one i posted to tumblr a while back: “So we ‘ad some trouble with a 'orde o’ demons a while back, an’ this feller rigged up a pump to send 'em back ta 'ell where they belonged. But it only worked on the smallest ones… Spoiler turns out it was a imp 'eller pump. ”
finally found my typed up copy of one I came up with a while ago and have loved ever since SO! There was this wealthy, elderly landowner. And he was a very conscientious landowner. Every day he’d ride out on his favorite donkey, named Yussef, and check on one or another of his properties. One day he’d check on his vast herd of cattle, and make sure they had clean water and good pasture, and make sure the people who took care of them had plenty to eat and good warm clothes. Another day, he’d ride out and inspect his mines, and make sure everything was correctly beamed and propped and that the overseers weren’t pushing the miners too hard. Yet another day, he’d ride out and check on his various farms, and make sure the farmers’ cottages were sturdy and not leaking, and that everything was going okay for them. And then he’d ride back home, and put Yussef away in his stable, and rub him down and feed and water him himself, because he loved that donkey and wanted to make sure he was well taken care of too. But, this wealthy landowner had no heir, and as he felt death approaching, he called his lawyer in to help him make a will. He told the lawyer, “See, there’s two people I’m thinking about leaving things to. One is my hunting guide. He’s got a little bit of property himself, and he manages it well, and he’s a very calm and reasonable man, so I think he’d really do a good job of taking care of my property and my tenants once I’m gone. But there’s also a peasant who’s been serving me faithfully for years, who even once saved my life from a rabid dog at the risk of his own. He doesn’t have any experience managing things on this scale, but besides leaving him enough money that he’ll be set for life, I really want to leave him something to show just how highly I think of him.” His lawyer thought for a while, and finally said, “I have it! You just have to follow the greatest commandment of all: Spoiler Leave your guide with all your herd, and all your mines, and all your soil, and leave your knave your ass Yussef.”
So did you hear about the pachyderm that was nothing but a giant auditory organ? Spoiler Never mind, it was completely ear-elephant.
Once upon a time, in a magical land, there lived a snake named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house, there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. This lever was ancient, and the myth around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road. When he came upon the lever, he began crossing the road so he could get a look at it. At the same moment, a truck came zooming around the corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake and run him over, or swerve, hit the lever, and possibly end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way. What is the moral of this story? Spoiler Better Nate than lever!
