Puns?

Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by Deresto, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. oph

    oph There was a user here, but it's gone now

    • Like x 1
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  2. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    motherfucker you're using margins that are a million miles wide, this is some real lazy high schooler desperately trying to make their required four pages shit you just pulled
     
    • Like x 2
  3. oph

    oph There was a user here, but it's gone now

    Should be measuring by area, maybe.

    Or do something sensible like judging by character or word count, but that would make sense.

    (My biggest problem isn't even the margins, it's that I can alter the length of the Longest Joke in the World by adjusting my displayed font size)
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2016
  4. strictly quadrilateral

    strictly quadrilateral alive, alive, alive!

    What about font size then?
     
    • Like x 1
  5. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    not a pun, but one of my favourites:

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you, Holmes?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

    "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
     
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  6. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    I dunno if you guys have heard this, but there's an old legend I heard about a well-known Austrian psychoanalyst who actually died after suffering a mishap involving a banana peel.

    Quite the Freudian slip, I'm led to believe
     
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  7. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I tried to convince a drive through patron to buy some cake pops, but they drove away from the speaker instead of answering.

    "I got pop blocked."

    #2: What did his ex-wife have to say about his taste in coffee?

    It was grounds for divorce
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2016
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  8. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    man, you know what really gets my goat?

    el chupacabra
     
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  9. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    From my HRT-consultation appointment:

    "... but since you're not interested in having children, I won't labour the point."
     
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  10. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    My SO, when I disappeared from chat: Oh no boygone

    My SO, when I logged back in: Yay, you didn't let boygones be boygones!
     
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  11. siveambrai

    siveambrai Negative Karma Engine nerd.professor.gamer

    Realized last night that my therapist and I missed a great punportunity last week. I was talking about feeling restless and anxious but I felt better after getting up and cleaning out the dog waste in the back yard. Perfect response would have been: "So you feel better after finally dealing with your shit?"
     
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  12. IndigoRiffRaff

    IndigoRiffRaff FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

    So my partner's pet name for me is "babydeer" (often shortened to deer) and this happened:

    holly no 2.JPG
    Shockingly, I appear to be the less punny one in this relationship.
     
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  13. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Not a pun so much as terrible wordplay, but...

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. Acey

    Acey that's my fun and i like fun

    What do you call two friends who met at their Anglican church?

    Episco-pals.
     
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  15. Wiwaxia

    Wiwaxia problematic taxon

    uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh
     
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  16. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Me: How do you even identify a female marijuana plant?

    Dad: She has friends.
     
    • Like x 1
  17. IndigoRiffRaff

    IndigoRiffRaff FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

    Asked my mom how many cans we had of an ingredient for something I wanted to cook. She replied "we have birds with big beaks". I was really confused for a moment and then it dawned on me.
    Toucans.
     
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  18. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    A joke I had to translate for Anglo-Saxon class:

    What has two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, and 20 heads?

    A cabbage farmer.
     
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  19. KarrinBlue

    KarrinBlue Magical Girl Intern

    What's a crow's favorite chesspiece?

    A rook!

    What's a crow's favorite way to start a chess game?

    Bird's Opening
     
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  20. bees?

    bees? avatar of the demiplane of bees

    what do you call a bear that loses an ear?

    a b.
     
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