An aside my best guess for "ISTM" is "it seems to me", so afaict was a good guess, I think? Then again, I'm also guessing :p
This one? https://kintsugi.seebs.net/threads/r-fatlogic-derail.7144/page-14#post-807255 It's actually fine now that I look at it today. I'm not going to drag up examples of other people unless you insist. I don't remember if it actually upset me... It looks like I didn't try to reply. I'm sorry if you got overlooked. (skipped and/or forgotten connotation) It's a little unusual in context of our culture and maybe the power dynamic needs some tweaking, but mostly it's fine. He provides me with access to his stuff, he has the right to take it away if I don't perform my wifely duties.
Even if you were his child it would still be kinda fucked up. But you're his wife! You're an adult! You're partners! This is not a healthy dynamic!
I can't tell which things you are reporting as "being yelled at". Frequently, when someone criticizes a thing, you respond by saying "I'm sorry I [completely different thing]" in a pattern that is highly typical of narcissistic abusers. People absolutely react badly to that. So don't do it. If you don't think you did the thing someone said you did, say that. Don't offer an apology for a completely different thing. Don't say things like "I guess I should just suffer and my pain doesn't count". Those are always bad ways to respond to people's comments, whether their comments are good or bad; there's simply no circumstance in which responding that way will improve things. There are certainly things where disagreeing with them will make people mad. If I say "I don't think people should be killed just for looking sort of like me", and someone disagrees with me, I will be mad at them. That's really reasonable and normal! What if, instead of trying things to "feel out" what is good, you thought about what is good? What about the thing where multiple people have written clear and direct explanations of what's wrong, and suggested things to do instead? Either of those might be a better strategy. In particular, trying to judge things by responses doesn't work well, because if people were previously mad, it will take them a while to calm down, so trying a thing, and discovering that people are still mad, doesn't prove that the thing made them mad. I don't know which thing you're referring to, but: It is totally possible to still be upset about a thing, but to choose not to talk about it because it's upsetting to other people. It's often a really good choice, when something is contentious and upsetting to people, to just not talk about it. I don't understand the context of this thing about pretending you're fine. You're an adult. No one should be in a position to "take away" your Internet access unless it's a judge and they're doing it because you're using the Internet in a way that is criminal. But also, I gotta say, starting with "I need to lie to my spouse about this thing" suggests that you're having similar communications problems there. ("ISTM" => "It Seems To Me".)
I'm sorry I upset you peeps, but really, it's fine. Things are pretty good for not being ideal. A few red flags does not a catastrophe make. There isn't even anything sexual going on.
To clarify, I'm not upset exactly, you haven't said anything here that got me worked up or emotional. But even if this isn't a catastrophe, that's not a good long-term dynamic to sustain. Whether or not there's a sexual component isn't really a determining factor for whether something might be wrong. What's up is that your husband, nominally your partner in life, will restrict your access to this outlet/resource that is clearly important to you, if you don't meet some kind of conditions. This doesn't have to be a catastrophe for it to be messed up, and what you are describing is messed up.
Eh, I mostly meant my posts in general. I'm glad that it's not too bad now. You don't have to talk about other people, I was just referring to my comments specifically. That's okay, thanks for acknowledging it. If you get a chance to look at it again, I would like to continue the conversation. I can be less aggressive in my responses. I do see that the conversation has moved on a bit. I mostly wanted to make sure that we didn't hurt each other too badly so that we'll be able to continue talking :) And this is a complete tangent - if something I say doesn't make sense, please do ask for clarification! I'm most invested in making sure my points are understood, so I won't get offended if I need to reword it.
Is this a like, pre-arranged thing to help you take a step back when you can't do so yourself? That's the only situation that I can think of that would make this sort of thing healthy between two adults. Your responses thus far makes me think that this is not the case and that it's more of a punishment, which is much less okay Edit: I'm certain that we're not saying these things to yell at you or make you feel bad. I think the people responding in this way are concerned for you.
This was already answered byother people but just to confirm, it is "it seems to me." While attempting to point out that we do not all share the same data base, I made the very same mistake myself. Mea culpa.* I'm glad you were able to come to this realization and I'm sorry that since then you've felt that people are rubbing that acknowledgement in your face. I can only speak for myself, but I promise that I will not scream at you. *so as not to repeat the same mistake twice, a translation in case this term is not as widely known as I have assumed.
This wasn't pre-agreed. He took my key to his car away and I had to ask him about it before he said he was afraid I'd drive it drunk. (He left me my own carkey.) He disabled the Chromecast and didn't tell me even when I told him it was broken, and then got pissed when I tried to get a lower-bandwidth one working. He bios-locked my computer for a few weeks because I got too overwhelmed and depressed to do housework. Once he wakes up and realizes that things need to change now that he's out of the military, it should get better. I slipped and failed to be there for him 100% so he could focus on protecting the country during the end, but at least now I'm not expected to.
Yeah, when I go on tangents, it's to try to provide some context to my thought processes. We don't make the same connections because we don't have the same experiences. Maybe instead of stopping, I should go deep enough that it makes sense? I guess dearth isn't the only word where I thought it had the opposite meaning. I thought mea culpa was more like "oh well" and that does bring up interesting thoughts about the phrase "live and learn" which I think is both dismissive and an instruction to remember the lesson. Anyway, back to rubbing it in my face, that one was a slip and people got so hair-triggered that they went with the worst interpretation of my intentions.
Your husband's treatment of you is not ok. I understand it could be more bad, but that doesn't make it good.
my dude, my ex was a soldier too and tbh i couldn't have been more there for him if i tried getting a divorce and it's the best thing i've ever done in my life because aside from the final straw that broke the camels back (a wild tale that can be seen in the witness me section, bring popcorn) there was years and years and years of bending over backward for him out of love and devotion that i just straight up should not have done frankly i could give two shits less if he served this country he was an asshole.
well, if i understand what you’re referring to correctly, people have trouble understanding your tangents as well. the thing is, the way you think makes little sense to everyone else, even to other autistics in particular. the method us autistics generally use to improve communication and be understood is to organize our thoughts in a way that resembles people who are understood. in other words, we mimic how others communicate themselves to achieve mutual understanding. i imagine part of what gives you trouble is that you seem to be unable to understand how other people have different ways of thinking than you. this is a crucial skill to have, especially for autistic people.
the onus is on you to successfully communicate yourself, not on everyone else to figure out how to understand you. the way you think and talk seems inconsistent and erratically evokes different patterns in a way that is very confusing for autistics. since you've become familiar with bigotry-coded patterns, they are often evoked in your speech, and everyone's pattern recognition has become very sensitive to those patterns because they are associated with highly dangerous threats to us, causing us to view you with fear, caution, and doubt. if you can isolate and eliminate those patterns from your speech, it will stop happening.
(Finds thread. Yikes.) Thanks, but mine isn't doing anything that's worth divorcing over and I don't have anywhere better to go. (Looks up dependapotomus. Nope, I don't have the 'tude problems.) There was a point where I could have contributed by getting an outside job. I'm a little disappointed in myself too that I can't even keep up with housework. I've even offered to dispose of myself so I'm not a burden anymore. If he takes the job in the middle of nowhere, I'm going to ask for options that will let me stay where I can get help. How about hopping to my vent thread if you want to talk about this some more? Keyword asisnine
offering to dispose of yourself isn't an option to ever offer people, just saying. it's Really Not A Good Offer To Ever Make to Someone, especially not a loved one. and thank you, but no thank you, I'd rather not go to your vent thread. that's about all i was going to say on my end.
