raginghearts' raging brain issues thread

I just want to be friends with, like, everyone, I want to be the Everyone friend, but I can't even interact with my current friends without panicking, much less make new ones...... I've got too much anxiety and I'm too introverted and awkward to make new friends
but mostly I just want to stop worrying about literally everything I do
also speaking of worrying I'm super worried that people are gonna think I posted a thing that's relevant to forum drama then started talking about myself as some sort of clever bait-and-switch to get people to look at my issues like a devious selfish person, when really it's just I have Too Many Thoughts and must get them all out and this forum thing happened to coincide with some really low self esteem

I just
I'm so fed up with myself, I don't understand why I have any friends at all, how do they put up with me? I sure can't haha.

 

Spoiler: tw suicidal thoughts and stuff

haha the D&D campaign I was in just got canceled and that was like, the one time I ever got to go out and be social with other people, that was my one real shot at maybe making a new irl friend, and it was so fun and now it's gone and I'm stupidly sad over this and kinda want to just die
this is an overreaction I know but at the same time I am genuinely like WELL SHIT NOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO ON A WEEKLY BASIS, WHAT'S THE POINT??
I don't want my character's journey to be over, either
I was having so much fun
even though it was frustrating as hell sometimes it was still fun
fuck

and meanwhile there's a voice in the back of my head going MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH AN AWKWARD FUCKTRUCK YOU'D HAVE FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF THAT CAMPAIGN
AND MAYBE SAM AND ETHAN HATED YOU ANYWAYS
MAYBE THEY CANCELED THE CAMPAIGN BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HANG WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO AWKWARD

 

Spoiler

I don't even know why I'm still on this forum anymore tbh, I've mostly moved past most of my mom issues by moving out and away from her and this thread is basically just me screaming at myself by now and I can always just use my vent sideblog on tumblr for that
and it's not like I have anything interesting to contribute to the rest of the forum
and it's also not like anybody really knows me
I'm just kinda over here in my own corner and two goddamn years of attempting to be social have resulted in exactly nothing. so that's a great feeling. fuck. fuck me. fuck everything about me I wish I wasn't so goddamn awkward I wish I had a modicum of self esteem I wish I could fucking talk to people without panicking about every single way I could have said something wrong

Spoiler: tw more suicidal stuff

I really just want to fucking drive my car off the highway on the way to work! I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to! FUCK

and speaking of constantly worrying about every single way I could say something wrong I'm getting scared that every time I post anything in here it'll just come off as me trying to guilt trip people into talking to me! So fuck, maybe I SHOULD just switch to using my sideblog
I just want to be able to talk without fucking tearing myself to pieces

I fucking hate myself

 

yeah there's no reason for me to stay here anymore
I really like the core idea of this forum and it was helpful once upon a time but now it's just, there's nothing here for me

on the exceedingly off chance that anyone wants to look me up, I can be found on just about any site as Heavenbat--I'm most active on deviantArt, tumblr, and Flight Rising. I have a skype but tbh I don't think anyone really wants that level of communication with me so I won't bother to put it here

not that I actually managed to make any friends or anything that would actually, y'know, want to talk to me outside of this forum, because I'm garbage at making friends

peace out y'all