fuck fuck fuck i only have half an hour left and my code is still not tested properly ugh ugh i should've worked harder.... but i don't think that's right??? like i worked most of today. sure i took breaks here or there but i'm allowed to do that. i shouldn't code for 9 hours straight anyway. it's only gonna be like 10-20 points off. i'll survive. it'd be great if i can figure it out over break so that the next part works.... (i mean technically i can take ANOTHER late day and finish it up tomorrow. but 1) i'm not sure i'll be able to and 2) i don't want to use up late days that i'll need when it's not depression that's taking away my ability to do things. like the professor said i didn't have to worry about late days, but i only want to apply that to depression things, not bad time management.... (Though i'm not sure what counts for this one? because last week i didn't do anything but it was giving myself a break, not incapable ness? UGh i'm so bad at evaluating myself. i can't tell the difference between taking advantage of and properly using my accommodations...)
Welp it's Monday night and I haven't really accomplished anything. I'm starting to feel bad about it. And also very antsy because I'm bored. I don't know how to do the programming thing I need to do. Maybe I can ask my friend tomorrow... I sent an email to someone for my thesis, but I haven't heard back. And I should probably try some other routes but I don't want to. It's too much work and it's frustrating too figure out. I guess I'm try to do my other thing tomorrow because that doesn't require any other response or whatever... But I guess I'm done for tonight. I guess.
*hugs* I exist in the land of pits and burgs again so lemme know if you want me to try to help w anything
I just feel really stupid right now because I'm getting bogged down in technical stuff and I don't understand how it works and I don't want to do it. I just I don't want to go through this frustrating process of trying to figure out these new languages and whatever. And that makes me feel lazy because clearly I am capable and I'm just not doing the thing therefore it's my fault. It's confusing and dumb and I don't want to do it and even the tools to use that might help look terrible and I just want to use a simpler version, but that version doesn't have all the things I need.... I really should talk to my professor about it. Because he told me to talk to him if I run into a problem and I think this is a problem. But I should probably wait until I've calmed down so I don't send him another panicky email. I just feel so stupid and lazy because I can't / don't want to do this.
I feel like I'm constantly fucking up in social situations. I'll say something that's slightly off and then feel terrible about it for years afterwards and like all of them are popping up in my brain today and I feel like shit. Hmm. Not super low? Mostly anxious. Trying to figure out if my upped meds are working. Yeah definitely anxious. I haven't done really any work. Okay, no. I tried to poke at thesis stuff and then got the go ahead to try to wait for someone to respond back to me. And I tried to poke at Programming but I really don't know what I'm doing, and I think I need a TA's help. But I haven't really tried to work on that presentation at all. Bluh.
Also I saw like one bug and now I feel like they're crawling on me everywhere and why does this always happen
Bc our apt building, for some god forsaken reason, has no screens on any of its windows. Even catman, with all it's #swag, has window screens. wtf. why. (*hugs* for serious tho that sucks bro :( )
I am anxious and antsy and need something to do. But I don't want to work on homework (it's break and this assignment is easy it's fine....) And working on my story or my abuse history write up is too draining and I don't really feel like poking those. Instead I just go bluh and try to flop around random places on the internet to see if there's something to do.
Yo so it took me like three days to read an 8 page chapter but I finally did the thing! I even finished the handout I was supposed to make and the presentation slides (hint they are almost the same) I have a skype meeting with someone about my thesis stuff so that should be taken care of soon... I have no idea when I'm going to get to work on programming though. Tonight I need to take care of thesis things and also sleep because I barely got any last night. Bluh. Oh and I mentioned it in my autism thread, but there aren't any openings until after I leave so I have to wait until I get home to deal with it and bluh. Oh and I found out I'm still on my father's insurance. He never took me off. The good(?) news is that he might get stuck paying for my hospital bills from a couple of years ago.
fuck anxiety go away i made progress on a bunch of things today but ugh so much anxiety also i'm super tired and just want to sleep but no sleep for me xP Oh and I'm trying to buy tickets for a trip to see some online friends this summer and the price went up $70 in the time it took me to confirm that the times were good. I can afford it but it's so annoying and disheartening for some reason. Here maybe this will help // TODO: Finish GUI stuff (Due either Thursday or Friday, probably Friday) Thesis things...?? I actually think I'm just waiting at this point Portraits (due .... April 4th HA yeah I'm not even touching that yet.) SLA reading (due Thursday) Programming Exam (Due next Thursday) Buy plane tickets (due asap) OKAY BRAIN. Look at that. There's practically nothing to worry about. Settle down.
Update: Brain did the exact opposite of settling down. Had started having anxiety and crying a little, so I decided I would go to the fence and hang out with people because I wasn't gonna get work done. Started really sobbing on my way out, ran into someone I knew and thankfully it wasn't a big deal but bluh. I've settled down a bit, but I can't even think about work or I start crying again. Ugh. I need to email my programming professor and tell him I'm gonna need to cash in on that unlimited late day thing. Or do I even need to email him? He told me not to worry about late days, but I figure I should keep him updated....
I emailed him. He was very nice. x) I'm still tired from yesterday. My shoulders are tense and my hands are shaky (not shaking, but like I feel like I need to shake/flap them?). I haven't been eating well the last few days. Nothing sounds appealing. And I'm about to go 4 hours without a chance to eat and I'm finally hungry but I don't know what to get. So I guess I'm just gonna be hungry until after 4:30 xP I bought the plane ticket for the trip to see my online friends. It was $70 more than it was yesterday, but I didn't want to risk it going up even more so I just grabbed it. I really hope the times work out okay for everyone. (this might have been part of what set me off yesterday) The other thing that might've set me off is I got an email from one of the people who did my survey and they were all mad because I wasn't giving enough money for the time it took to do the thing. But it was only one person and everyone else was fine with it. But I just felt really bad and plus I was already having a shitty time so everything was terrible. This weekend I need to look at the results and figure things out. Finally, I really need to do programming today but I'm still confused on things... And I don't feel like doing anything. xP Bluh. I'll figure it out eventually. And I have until Saturday night at least. It will be okay.
Oh btw everything went great with programming and I managed to finish by Friday night. I did nothing on Saturday or Sunday however. And I did a little today but not much. I'm just al;kdjfa;sdf I went to the school's psychiatrist. If I wasn't leaving in May, and it wasn't the middle of school, she'd probably have my change most of my medications, ahaha. I'm going to take her recommendations with me to the next place I go because I don't want to go back to the people who weren't responding to me. So that's cool. But I just feel really anxious and I always do after kgdinner but ugh. I wanna go home, but I said I would stay for zombies so I'm going to stay. (My friend is running humans vs zombies and I volunteered to help mod). wweeeeehhh
So I had a panic attack last night, slept through all my classes today (except not in my bed like I would have rather been), and I still feel like shit. I have stuff I need to do but I can't and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to DO. I hate feeling like this because I want to fix it but there's nothing I can DO. I can't DO anything and that makes everything worse.
I got my exam tomorrow pushed to ? (next week?). That takes the immediate stress away. I skipped all my classes today. Haven't left the apartment except for an adventure to CVS. Oh and I had to miss last night's dose of my meds, and tonight's dose. Fun. I'm going to skip everything tomorrow too. I've never done this before. I don't really know what I'm doing or whatever. I'm scared and tired and I have so much to do but not enough anything to do it in and I don't know what to do. I need to fix it but I don't know how to fix it and I don't know what to do... I thought about checking myself in somewhere, just so I have an official reason to be taking time off school. But I don't think it would actually help because then I'd just be bored all day with nothing to do and it wouldn't solve the problem of having deadlines pile up...
I talked with my therapist for a bit. She agrees with me that since I'm not in danger, the hospital is probably a bad idea. My head hurts and I'm kinda dizzy. I'm going to guess that this is a side effect of being off meds + crying a shit ton. I drank like an entire bottle of gatorade and took some excedrin so it's starting to get better. My goal today is to recover so that I can go back to work and classes on Monday. But I am starting to get a little stir crazy not doing anything so my secondary goals, provided they do not send me into a panic attack, are to 1) get a list of all the due dates for the next few weeks and 2) maybe get some studying done for that exam / the group project I'm on. So, let's see how number 1 works out. Take 214 exam (due ???, soon though) Study for it Email and/or meet up with professor to figure out when the make up is 214 group project meeting (3/26 Saturday 6pm) Have an idea of what Display Plugin API needs Study before trying? 214 hw5a (group, design finalized) (3/29 Tuesday 3pm) will know more after meeting maybe partner would be okay with taking the brunt of this part if i take the brunt of the programming? 214 hw5b (the core programming) (4/7 Thursday 11:59pm) shit that's soon!!! ugh well, one step at a time Thesis survey take 2 (due soon?) Get second survey up and running Hear back from advisor before releasing it into the wild? Thesis Intro Outline (due next week ??? (thursday?)) figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to be writing the thought of this makes me want to throw up Photography Make up (due soon) Need to talk to friend in class to figure out what I missed and what she can help me with. Ugh, maybe sunday? Monday? Monday feels better. Monday it is Photography Portraits (4/5 Tueday 8:30 am) get tripod and camera and a friend and do portraits. only need 3 good pictures. preferably of different people? maybe on location rather than studio? idk take pictures this weekend maybe?? would need to get the camera tomorrow. I could do it next week/weekend, but that gives me less time to process (idk how much I'll need) SLF catch up reading (due ???) I don't need to but I probably should? SLF ask professor what is up with the term project. Am v confuse (Tuesday before class? Or email before then?) SLF Reading Journal (4/7 Thursday 12pm) Need to look at syllabus, because I think my planner is missing things Ha, I knew I was missing one! But I still have time to think about that Figure out cap and gown stuff because I missed the Grad Fair the last two days I think that's it? This is just the next two weeks though, there's more after that. Ugh I do feel a little sick looking at it. I think things that might be on the table for today, depending on how I'm feeling, are Study for 214 exam/group meeting SLF catch up reading contacting my friend in Photography. Email my thesis advisor again? Okay but I'm taking a break before I look at any of those, because my stomach is churning. The one I'm drawn toward the most is the least pressing one (catch up reading) which is dumb brain thanks a lot. But it might be better than nothing.
Oops turns out my make up exam is TOMORROW. orz I could've said no... but I didn't feel like they were giving me options. Reading over the slides isn't really helping yet, but I'm not going to panic until I try to take the practice test.
