Oops too late starting to panic. Well okay not yet, but here is my thought process; I want to go do fun thing! But can't because studying! Oh, I'm almost done with going through the slides, maybe I should go as a reward for getting through as much as I did? No can't, exam is tomorrow need to get through the practice exam tonight so I can ask for help. Ah but TA might not be able to help me remotely. Might be busy, might be too late at night. What do I do if I don't understand stuff?? Ahh I'm gonna fail. I might as well do the fun thing. No but can't because I have to at least try... But I want to go do fun thing! Now repeat. I am v unhappy but at least my heart isn't doing the thing yet or anything else.
I ended up going to the fun thing. The test isn't until 1pm, so I'll just stay up a little late. I will probably regret this but oh well. I REALLY DON'T WANNA TAKE THIS TEST ;_;
Okay so the test wasn't that bad. They asked a huge question (over 50% of the points) about something I don't really have a good understanding on. But I managed to put something down, so hopefully I did it right and if not Next up is meeting with my partner for more 214 shenanigans. I'm so not ready for this meeting xP (hint I am not ready for anything)
Welp meeting with my group partner did not happen because she has bronchitis. We're gonna try to meet up today, and we emailed the professor last night but I am kind of asldfjalsdf what doooo? xP I mean I don't care about my grade in this class, but I doubt my partner feels the same way. Also I posted my thesis survey here and ahhhh so much anxiety because I care what people think and I am not sure how the survey actually came out and a;lsdjfasd. It'll be okay. People probably won't think I'm too dumb. My advisor is okay with how it is so that should be a good indicator (ugh just what if there are actual real researchers on here who know what they're doing when I clearly don't...). Speaking of my thesis, I have to get an outline done this week and ahahaha I have no idea what I'm doing. I also have photography I have to do, and probably start thinking about SLA stuff and ugh so much to do.
I definitely don't think you or your thesis are dumb. Emoticons do make a difference to how we read statements and trying to measure it is a solid idea for analysis. (I mean I did a research paper on food colours of all things!)
Thank you ;-; That is nice to read and I will try to refer back to it when anxiety rears it's ugly head. edit: also that sounds really neat!
If you're curious, I posted my results in the BRAAAINS forum. It was fun to do, and also taught me about the dangers of gathering too much data.
I am so tired of feeling anxious all the time. My chest hurts and it makes me not want to do anything and it's just constant. I already took a prn so I imagine that it would be worse but ugh. I hate it and it hurts and I want it to stop. I also want to go home and sleep for a week, but I can't because ~deadlines~
Okay new to do list because the old one is cluttered. Also making lists soothes me. Today (3/30) Photography: Take some (all?) photography pictures Already got Sonia. Might need one or two other people. Might be able to nab some people from cluster SLF Reading for tomorrow eh it was half done 214: I think I'm gonna put it off a bit. If I'm feeling frisky I can try to cull code from recitation to get started Thesis: Same as above, but start outline Tomorrow (3/31) Photography: in class editing. Get to scanner first, pick two-three pics. Have at least two pictures edited by the end of class? I didn't get to the scanner. So I should probably do that this afternoon. I did edit all the pictures I might print, and printed one, so that's good. I got one/two scanned in, and more pictures to edit. 214: cull code from recitation to get started Booth? Nope Photography: take more pictures Thesis: (if enough energy) start outline SLF: (if enough energy) brainstorm ideas Friday (4/1) Photography: take more pictures if not done / recheck out camera 214: talk to partner and see what do Thesis: outline & turn in SLF: (if energy) brainstorm ideas (oops didn't really get anything done.) Saturday (4/2) Photography: Take more pictures if not done SLF: write up proposal & turn in 214: code code code Thesis: break / check on survey Sunday (4/3) SLF Proposal Due 214 Core Code Due who knows, i haven't heard from my partner yet. 214: begin testing Photography: Should be good by now, so break. Thesis: break / check on survey Monday (4/4) 214: Get my partner to respond to me so I can figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. SLF: Reading for Tuesday Photography: turn in camera, scan edit and print at least one picture Thesis: break / check on survey Tuesday (2/5) 214: Final touches Due 11:59pm Thesis: meeting with advisor SLF: break Photography : in class editing. Finish outside of class if not done Let's call that good enough for now. To get me through the weekend.
I'm so tired. I stayed up too late because of the Homestuck update and now I'm too tired to work. All that's left is really tedious stuff like testing. I just want to go to sleep. I'm also kind of stressing out because there's so much work, but I can only work on it in spurts and then I spend the rest of the time not working so I start feeling bad. So far though everything has been fine so I just need to remember that.
Okay time for a new list. What's due: SLF Reading journal (4/12) 214 hw5c (4/12-4/13) Thesis data cleaned and crunched (4/18) Meeting / Email with Erik before then SLF Presentation / Handout (4/19) Photography Blog Presentation (4/19)? 214 hw6 checkpoint (4/22 5pm) Photography Imitation Project (4/28) Photography Portfolio (4/28) SLF Reading Journal (4/28) 214 hw6 (4/28) Thesis First Draft (5/2) 214 Final Exam (5/3) SLF Term Project (5/10) Shit the week of the 25th is going to be terrible. I need to get as much work done over carnival that I can.... But I won't want to because my mom will be in town plus it's carnival. Also, I completely missed an assignment in SLF that's due in 20 minutes. So. That's not getting done OTL Oh well. What I plan to do (italics are stretch goals): Thursday (today, 4/7) Email Erik Talk with partner to figure out work distribution for this next part. SLF reading journal Friday (4/8) SLF reading journal BOOOOOOOOTH (no homework) Saturday (4/9) RJ if not done Tekko (con) 214 start Sunday (4/10) RJ because I didn't finish before saturday 214 plugins (can't start until partner and I decide what we wanna do) clean thesis data Monday (4/11) 214 plugins clean/analysis thesis data Tuesday (4/12) 214 plugins thesis data Wednesday (4/13) thesis data if not done Photography presentation? SLF Presentation Thursday (4/14) Carnival Start Midway and booth shifts SLF Presentation Friday, Saturday, Sunday (4/15-17) Nothing because mom is here and carnival Okay I'm having trouble going farther because I don't know what some of these assignments entail. I have two weeks after Carnival. I need to have down time, but if I can stand it I really need to work ahead as much as I can otherwise that last week will be hell.
Whee I feel terrible. I went to the con without doing my work. Which, eh I knew I was gonna do that. So I was all set to do my work today, but I got about half way through when my attention just stopped. I was doing 20/10s and I couldn't get back to work for the twenty. And part of that is not wanting to and just not being self disciplined enough (though I'm pretty self disciplined I think? I've just lately run out...) but I think part of it is attention problems? So I read through CDCF and help clean the apartment (though roommate did more of the work). Now I'm caught up. There's nothing else to do to distract me (there is plenty to distract me, I mean tumblr is right there. but I'm not doing that). I should at least get this outline done. But now my chest hurts and my stomach's upset. I'd rather just go to sleep. This isn't normal right? Like I used to remember whining and whining about work and I would stretch it out all day but it would still get done. Stuff isn't getting done anymore and it's frustrating. I'm afraid I'm becoming legit "lazy". I used to push through these problems but now as soon as I get to a little stumbling block I stop and sit down and go "nope" and it's like. I could just pick up my foot and step over the thing. But I don't wanna. I don't wanna push through, I don't wanna fight. I just want to be done. Fuck. I currently have straight As this semester. I really want those As. But because of this group project, 214 is probably down to a B. And I completely missed an assignment in SLF so that's probably down to a B. And if I can't get As, I might as well do nothing the rest of the semester and get straight Cs. Except I will hate myself forever for that. Oh, but it's such an easy solution. I'm so tired I want to be done. I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking burntout. I don't know if it's a matter of can't anymore. It feels like a matter of want. And that makes me feel "lazy".
*hugs* fwiw that still sounds like exdys to me, not laziness. which still sucks a ton but like. not your fault your brain is being problematic.
But I'm choosing not to work! And I don't want to work! So it can't just be exdys, it has to be part me too. Because I could get through this if I wanted to.
I fucked up this time, me. I did things I shouldn't have and now I haven't got the work done that I need to. I can't ask for anything because this isn't my brain's fault it's mine. And I can't talk to people about it because I can't handle anyone being even slightly negative at me And also this food I just ate is gross and threatening to come back up. It's 11:30 so it's bed time but I didn't get it done. (I still have two days for both things. but i feel like i failed still)
Oh it's about a week before my period. Well that explains the extra self listing at least It also means that I'll be feeling like shit over carnival which sucks, but at least it's not the last week of classes like I thought
Two days later than I meant to (but a day before it's due) I'm finally done with that Reading Journal xP Now I really need to get on programming, if my project partner would only answer me. =/ If she doesn't by 6, I'm just going to make decisions and she'll have to deal with them.
project partner answered me! and also is willing to do like most of the work and I feel awful about that and about complaining about her. I think we're just not good at being a team and that's a little bit her and a little bit me. but i'm confused and tired and disoriented and now about to cry for no reason at all!! yay! *flops*
