Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Re Allyssa, Feb 7, 2016.
Sympathy like. Being lonely sucks, and feelings are hard.
*whines about politics*
so i was helping my mom figure out who to vote for by sending her to isidewith.com and yay it turns out that our canditates are pretty much flipped.
now granted i didn't really know my answers to a lot of the questions on the quiz, like i just went with what sounded good to me. but still. she thankfully didn't ask me what my results were or anything.
she probably suspects i'm democrat and doesn't say anything. so it's probably fine but like. ugh.
i don't know. i hate politics. i wish i didn't have to be involved in it
cross posted from the discord chat---
sigh. i just had to sit through my mom defending trump to me, showing me a vid where someone says they spliced his words to make him sound worse and i'm like, yeah if they did that that's bad. but i know he's said worse stuff that doesn't need doctoring. i just don't have sources or anything
and it's just really frustrating because i don't have sources for shit because i've avoided this shit show like the plauge
like the vid was about muslim immigrants, i think and he said "they have the same thought processes as this killer" [i don't know the wider context about what killer they're talking about] but then he went on to talk about radical islam and my mom's like see? just extremists and i'm like "but that's not what he just said" and she didn't really respond.
so it's like even when i do have a source it doesn't matter
and i'm just really frustrated because i'm supposed to be able to talk to her about anything but she won't listen to me. like i know she's trying to calm my fears and she thinks i'm being fed a steady diet of wrong information, but i'm /trying/ to check my sources and shit and it's like she doesn't even care. i show her a clip where trump says he's for "traditional marriage" and she still says he supports lgbt people because that doesn't count as being against enough. and that's the only clip i showed her because anything before like a year ago she'll say he's just changed since then, and i didn't have any other current sources on hand.
it doesn't help that he's seemed to flip on most of his campaign promises. which is great! but that means that i'm not allowed to be worried about anything because what he said during is campaign is "just talk" and "his actions don't line up with what he says" and I don't care??? yes, it's just like joe, but i kind of hate when joe says shit. just because he doesn't act on it doesn't making his racist comments okay.
tfw you get back into writing after a while, decide it's just going to be vent fic/dark fic/whatever and that no one is ever going to see it so you're free to write whatever, and end up making yourself depressed over it x.X
This is what i get for writing when i'm not already depressed /s
i can't seem to stop coming back to it though
also i can't really talk to anyone about it because it's super personal and i don't want it to see the light of day but at the same time it's hard to explain to the people who care about me who noticed i was depressed all day why exactly? like i told them it was my writing and they just went okay but i kinda wanna talk about it but at the same time i don't. it's complicated
bluuuuuuuuh wweh wweh whine xP
yeah i never really came out of the depression hole that sent me into....
i mean i feel a little bit better emotionally now? but i've also been sleeping like 18 hours a day for the last few days. which is ridiculous and frustrating
so i thought the last few days was just me wallowing in bad feels,
but right now i've been trying to ignore it and just watch tv and relax and i still can't get the tight feeling out of my chest.
just putting this down for the record
^i took an anxiety med a little while after that and finally felt better! i need to remember those things exist.
ugh i had a couple of dreams right in a row that were pretty distressing.
first one, my friends and i were trying to road trip or something and then some evil witches (probably brought on by marathoning once upon a time) got a hold of us and tried to keep us from doing what we were supposed to do. eventually we got back to my house, but one of my friends just straight up went missing? and i didn't notice for a bit? so i felt bad. we ended up finding her but still, i wasn't there for her when she needed me
then there was a lunch/dinner thing where my dad was present and it was a lot of small talk and pretending everything was fine. eventually i got fed up with that and dropped a bomb like "oh you and [friend] would get along great! you know if it wasn't for the whole you abusing me thing" then i went went right back to small talk. i was pretty smug and kind of proud of myself for (possibly) hurting him? idk. he kind of faded out of the dream and then
at different meal time and my uncle was outside yelling at my cousin. like really violent yelling. and i got so so mad because it was completely unreasonable. (also i've never actually seen this uncle yell so idk why he was the focus of this one) i ended up confronting him and yelling at him trying to do a wake up call kind of thing, but it didn't work. he was really intimidating and stuff but i stood my ground. but it was just very emotional and uncomfortable and ultimately didn't do anything and just got my cousin in more trouble.
at this point i woke up and didn't try to go back to sleep because i was tired of these dreams. just BLUH
So today was doctor appointment.
we went in for like twenty minutes just to tell me my triglycerides are high, which i already knew, but am too fucking depressed to do anything about.
all that does is make me feel like shit because to me this means it's my fault i'm sick because i refuse to go on a fucking diet. like yeah i can watch portion sizes and not eat when i'm not hungry. but i can't cut carbs out of my diet. i just can't. it's like 80% of it. all of the low spoons and cheap things i know how to make is carbs + some protein. rice and beef, pasta and chicken, steak and potatoes. like sure i can add in vegetables now and then (though it's a chore because the ones i like tend to be more starchy so i have to find ones i tolerate instead, which leads to me eating them less)
i'm just so tired of hearing that i have pcos because i'm fat, i have a beard i don't want because i'm fat (somehow???) and i just keep gaining weight even though i haven't changed anything. i can barely get out of bed some days, i have a hard time remembering to fucking brush my teeth or take a shower. how am i supposed to exercise regularly???
like if i was just fat and it meant i hate my body a little, i could deal with that, but nooooo i'm fat and it's adversely affecting my fucking health.
also??? i've always been fat, i didn't always have this fucking beard, though tbh my hormones have probably always been messed up.
OH AND ALSO????
THIS IS STILL A THING THAT IS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE.
i fucking hate him. why can't he just not be in my life and not in my dreams and just GET OUT. i can't go back to this other doctor because i owe them five hundred fucking dollars because of the insurance shit
i'm just so fucking upset it's not fair. nothing is fair i hate everything
That fucking sucks dude :c
Had another dream about my dad wherein I was forced to play nice and was aware in dream that I shouldn't have to.
that was hours ago though
my family left to go pokehunting and I didn't want to go. but they're still gone and now i feel like shit...
i should just go to bed
(this isn't really that bad just... yeah)
my ex and i have been really (online) cuddly lately and tonight i expressed a desire to spend new years with him at some point and he was like "yeah me too" and it's just a;aslkdjfa;lsd
i just really want to be back in a romantic relationship with him. but like it's not very practical? we live on opposite sides of the country and neither of us have had a job for months, we're not ready to support each other, he's barely able to just plan to come see me, so it's not very likely that he will in the near future.... not to mention the fact that he might not even be interested in a romantic relationship, and asking will only get me my heart broken again.
bluh i'm being dumb but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
Politics are really getting me down. More sop because I wasn't to go "I told you so!" To my parents, but I don't really have the spoons for trying to convince them despite the undeniable proof, because they always talk their way way around it. So there's like no point. It's so frustrating and I think that just makes everything that much worse for me. Like it already sucks that the country has to go through this, on top of that I feel like my parents just won't believe me no matter what I say
.... Oh that might explain why it's hitting me so hard. People not believing me is a kind of trigger for me...
Spoiler: holy fucking shit this wasn't as big when i was on my phone
U G H
Do you guys see what I have to deal with? This is why I keep thinking we should get back together.
My mom points out that's it's all the more reason not to, which is a good point xP
edit: added spoiler
You know what, next time he pulls something like this, I'm just gonna be honest and say yes (or whatever the response should be). If he doesn't want the answer to a question, he shouldn't fucking ask
Bluh had weird dream shit now feel bluh. Is that going to stop me from thinking about it more? Nope, why would I do that? XP
Pms + lonely = bad fucking times
And I'm going to bed
I'm really sad and the people I usually talk to when I'm sad are the ones involved in what's making me sad.
My mom is here and that's good, but she's telling me the right thing instead of what a want to hear, ha.
I don't even know what I want to talk about? There's no point talking about the problem, or making a decision about anything. Especially since I'm pmsing and my emotions are exaggerated right now.
But I don't feel good and I want to fix it
But I can't do anything. So I end up just stewing I my emotions and I doubt that's good for me...
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