Reasons My Kintsugijin is Crying, or; The Weepy Marshmallow Brigade

It turns out projecting my younger self’s relentless habits of self-criticism onto a fictional character lets me feel sad about them! Needed that.

 

I found my dad's Facebook page, it has minimal info and only his profile picture and I don't know how to feel. I haven't seen this man in literal decades and I am some weird ball of empty and fighting back tears.

 

Some very awesome people sent me a very unexpected gift and I've been weepy over it all morning.

 

I watched the Steven Universe movie.

 

My mom bought me a new sketchbook because I needed one and it's so cute and just right and I can't fucking use it. I have medication induced hand tremors that I've been told will probably continue for the rest of my life even if i stop taking the meds that are causing them.

I'm on another med that helps but it causes me to not sweat at all, so my body has no way to cool itself and it causes brain fog and memory problems to the point that half the time I can't even do a single task like "answer a question you've been asked five times already"

So yeah I'm having a big ol' Emotional Turmoil right now and it feels crushing

 

To be clear because I am a dramatic fool, my hands aren't like at "so shakey you can't tell what it is" level yet, and more like "a five year old not able to hold a crayon steadily enough as I want" level. Still very sad though

 

I'm all like, I did pretty well in drawing class but I discovered that I don't really like the act of drawing itself. And then I'm also like, yeah I have fine hand tremors sometimes but it's nbd unless I'm trying to titrate something in a chem lab. Now I'm looking at these two thoughts together and I.... hmmmmmmm. I think at least half of what I spent time on in art was making enough of a mass of sketchy lines that they coalesced into what I'd actually wanted and then attempting to precisely erase while not erasing the wrong things. (Thank you rubber erasers for my life.) I wasn't very invested in making art, so I was able to dismiss it pretty easily as something I didn't find fulfilling. But fucking hell, that semester was torture having to turn in a sketch every week plus regular assignments. It was hard. And kinda thankless, even when I made something I liked. It felt almost like I'd rolled the dice over and over again until I got a good result, for which I was receiving praise.

I doubt most people would probably be able to tell from looking that I have any tremors at all, even if they're actually looking for them. They're barely visible and I was a fucking dancer, I know how to create illusory stillness that hides the physical reality of having muscles. I just don't know how to draw shit with illusory stillness that hides the physical reality of having muscles.

I don't think you're being overdramatic. It sounds a lot like what my classmate with dyspraxia described in terms of difficulty with fine motor coordination and how disruptive that can be to your life in ways that people might not think of. You are fully entitled to be fucking upset about how that's affecting your ability to do something you love.

I saw the best youtube comment the other day (what a strange and refreshing sentence to be able to use) about disability. It said, "You will spend half your life convincing people you're healthy enough to do things. And the other half convincing people you're really sick." It was the biggest possible mood.

 

Thank you for that, I needed to hear it. I can be hard on myself without realizing a lot of the time until someone else blatantly points it out and I extremely appreciate the validation that Yes, Not Being Able To Do The Thing Even A Little Less is indeed a valid reason to feel bad

 

I'm writing a fanfic in which I just killed Dewey Duck.

 

I was rushed at my doctor's appt and was told kind of annoyedly that I should've asked for a half hour instead of fifteen minutes even though I was never told how long the appt was for and I wrote down what I was coming in for and only answered the questions I was asked until the end when I double checked that I was actually getting a refill for the meds I had come in for

 

Spoiler: Animal injury, possible death

I went to start dinner and a truck came barreling down the road, as often. What was different this time was a loud THUMP and a dog screaming in pain, followed by silence. The neighbors are with it and help is on the way but my mom said it looked pretty bad (I couldn't check myself). I'm crying hard and I can hear others outside doing the same

 

Dreamed about the sexual harassment I experienced in my teens, when I hadn't even thought about it for months and now I'm gonna be irritated about it for days. Bluh.

 

This video

 

I misjudged the distance from a bus stop to the thing I wanted to go to and ended up walking for half an hour on the motorway embankment as it got dark, and even after I got there and back home I'm still a little shaky. That was scary.

 

This never fails to make me cry tears of gratefulness and nostalgia

 

well today in the bath i cried about the horse i learned how to ride on dying, which happened about a decade ago but apparently this happens once a year or so for who knows how long into the future

 

I'm sobbing my eyes out, my mom got me a new laptop for my birthday!!! I can draw again!!! I've been so depressed for like the past... Year? Since my old one broke and I couldn't draw like I know I can. Just. So fucking happy!!!!!!

 

Calvin And Hobbes. I ALWAYS get misty-eyed at the final strip...

...but these bits of fanart I saw (idk the source, if anyone does PLEASE tell me!!) pushed me into full waterworks territory.

It’s just so sweet and wholesome and beautiful and it always moves me to tears. ;u;

 

The girl is named bacon and I love her:

http://www.pantsareoverrated.com/archive/2011/05/10/hobbes-and-bacon/

 

It looks like maybe fanart of fan comic Hobbes and Bacon?