Requesting Funny Pet Stories

I met a cat the other day who, one, is about two and a half times as heavy as she needs to be, and two, has a fatty tumor the size of a big, saggy orange sticking out of her shoulder. Benign and doesn’t bother her, but damn it looks weird when a cat sticks out one one side. My family has always called them Old Lady Bumps because a lot of pets get them later in life.

 

The beast in question:

 

what a good old lady

and yeah it's a weird thing that just sorta happens sometimes

 

Important dog update: Buster is so spoiled that not only does he make sad noises if he's ever told not to be on the bed, he makes sad noises if you don't lift up the blanket so he can go under it. Like, Missy can figure out how to get under a blanket, but apparently this is much too complex for his imperial goobiness.

 

Charlie had (minor) surgery a couple of weeks ago, and he's notorious for licking everything his tongue can reach at great length, so he has to wear a cone. This doesn't stop him from trying to get under the blankets. I've been woken up a couple of times around eleven PM because I was being bumped by the cone because he can't figure out how to get under the blankets like normal with it on. So I have to lift them up really high and he manages to get the cone and himself under to snuggle.

 

Momo had surgery last week and is currently stuck in a cone, but it's not too bad bc she's not much for beds- she prefers sleeping in dad's closet

it's been really funny watching her try to do things w the cone on tho. I almost feel bad laughing at her, but then I go to give her her meds in a chicken nugget and almost lose a finger and suddenly I don't feel so bad about laughing at her

 

Ha, parents' BTs do that too. There are stains on some of the chairs and at least one dog bed because Missy tends to lie there and industriously lick that spot until it's soaked through.

 

when our dog got spayed she got the cone of shame and caused so much havoc due to it banging into/catching on things that mum joked that police dogs should be equipped with cones of shame as weapons

 

when our dog got spayed she got the cone of shame and caused so much havoc due to it banging into/catching on things that mum joked that police dogs should be equipped with cones of shame as weapons

 

Attempting to water- change medium-sized axolotl is tough, because either you have to strain them out of their gross water like so much wiggly spaghetti or you pick them up with your bare hands, which is hard bc they're basically a sausage-sized tube of PURE MUSCLE covered in slime.

One of their other properties is that they are very opportunistic ambush predators, and will attempt to SHOOP down anything that might be food.

So anyway, I was trying to perform a water change on my girl Bold yesterday, and she's hungry. I put one hand in front of her, and she I M M E D I A T E L Y latches on w her lil velcro teeth. And I go, AHA!, grab her tail, and plop her into the side tank before here tiny brain can catch on to the fact she's been yoinked.

She spent the duration of her exile staring at me cleaning her tank with great indignation for TRICKING HER with the WIGGLY DIGITS.

 

u monster how dare you trick her

 

We recently bought a new little mouse toy for the cats. Nothing special-- some cloth, some thread 'fur,' and a little bell tucked up inside so it makes Enticing Noises when smacked.

For some reason, the one cat who has never once in all her thirteen years of life shown interest in a toy... has decided this is Hers Now. Not just to play with (even if she does bat it around sometimes), but mostly to hook on one paw and just.... lick. Not "I want to eat this thing" gnaw-licking, she just.... deadass seems to think this dumb mouse toy needs groomins, and must be kept by Her Nap Spot at all times so she can grab and groom it whenever she wants. Good.... job...???

 

Buster jumps in the bathtub after anyone takes a shower and licks the water off the walls.

 

Charlie finally has his cone off! This is good, because in addition to running into me, the furniture, and the walls, he was starting to run it into things like, oh, outlet covers, and breaking them off the wall.

 

The cats have been so helpful with gift wrapping for Christmas. Diana took up residence in the bag that held all the wrapping paper rolls and made sure to lie on the scissors and bite the ribbon. Biggest helper, it's her. Second biggest helper is Boo, who took it upon herself to get her head stuck in two bag handles and break both bags, so I got to go out and buy more. She's also been a big help in defeating the tissue paper that I foolishly left on the floor and unwrapping my brother's dice bag twice.

 

Does anyone else's pets "give" Christmas/birthday/etc presents?

My SO had a dream that he was scratching Penny's chin, but it was all bristly like she'd shaved the day before. When we opened Christmas presents, he received sensitive skin shaving cream from her.

 

I've been working on replacing the sequins on one of my quilts with beads (because Fuck Sequins), and Eris has been So Very Helpful while doing this. To be fair, I've been mostly working on this in bed and she's been curling up in my lap or on my legs while I work. And then trying to bite or catch the thread as I sew. (I'm having to be extra careful while working, cos of that.)

 

LUPIN'S PURRFECTED MORNING METHOD (as transliterated by Mal, who has far too many alarms as it is)

All humans are lazy in the morning, especially when they've been rude enough not to fill your biscuit bowl before they slept (furrever!!!). If you're stumped and don't want to be mean to your human by using your claws or teeth, just follow these simple steps!

1. Meow as loud as you can. It's impurrtant follow this first step, because sometimes the human is already awake enough that you don't need to go to more trouble. However, if this fails, move to step two.

2. Leap up on the bed and consider the human, then apply your paw to any visible skin. If your human is facing you, then mouth, cheek, eye, or forehead are ideal, but if they are curled up with their back to you (so trusting! You are truly Best Friends) then you may need to stand on their ribcage to put your paws on their throat and the back of their neck.

3. If subject fails to respond, use more noise to liberate their true disposition. It helps if you put your face right against their ear.

4. At this point, your human should roll onto their back. Reward your human for getting this far by sitting on their chest and noofing/licking their face! Positive enforcement is key in any training, after all.

5. Well done! Your human ought to be awake now. If not, repeat steps 1-4 until the desired outcome is achieved.

Bonus round: When your human sits up, climb immediately into their lap and demand petting. You are a good friend, after all! You deserve ear rubs. It doesn't matter if their hands are otherwise occupied - checking their blood sugar, for example. Their Hands Are Made For Petting, and they should know that, even if they need to be reminded A Lot.

 

Exciting new dog game discovered by Sibling:

1. Throw snowball at Goob
2. Goob, instincts honed by years of being an obnoxious pest to Missy when she's trying to get her ball-chasing fix, catches snowball
3. Snowball, which does not have the structural integrity to hold together in the crushing grip of Goob Jaws, falls apart
4. Goob looks around in complete befuddlement because he has no idea what just happened, and sniffs the snow around him trying to figure out where the Flying Thing went
5. Repeat.

 

Boo has a gentleman suitor who comes to pay her a visit every once in a while. He's another neighborhood cat, and indoor/outdoor named Rocky who sometimes has a bow tie clipped to his collar. He loves her with all his kitty heart and comes to visit her at her window every time he's let outside, which is a lot in the spring and summer, not so much in the winter.

She hates him and baps at him through the window every time she sees his adorable spotted face.