Frustrating things other family members do include some things which may or may not count as gaslighting. Specifics; my mother used to correct me a lot on things about which I knew for certain I was right and she was wrong, and get snarky with me when I respond. Cases which stick out in my mind are how antibiotics work and how colour vision works. I literally graduated from a university biology course, and she hasn't studied anything biological since her high school days. She hasn't done this recently but I wonder what she was trying to accomplish there. My sister will do something similar but even more aggravating, by correcting people with simple re-phrasings of the same thing they just said, presented as if that made the thing they said wrong, or stating a thing that is also true about the topic as if that made what they said wrong. She still does this all the time. I think this is probably the source of my own constant need to correct people and to snark at them when they're wrong - I'm spending less time on Tumblr, so I'm doing that less, and feeling better for it, but it's still an urge.
This probably applies. I had both mother and grandmother yell at me until I cried for being upset about shit that happened to me, and grandmother was mostly going on about "well I had awful things happen too and I got over it"... but no, I really don't think she did.
Relationship with mother is fine now, has been since I moved out, but I still feel a little weird about it.
To be specific about the relationship between me and Mum, when I was a kid she'd sigh and act irritated some of the time when I asked for help or asked for a new thing, like buying a different brand of a particular food item. She didn't do it all the time but I had no way of predicting when she would, and it made me feel bad asking for stuff. Now I've moved out, I do my best not to ask for help but she goes out of her way to help me with lending money and such. I don't know if it's because she's trying to make up for before, or if she thinks my need is greater now, or if it's because I ask less often or at better times. This isn't the only thing but it's one which stands out a bit, and our relationship is pretty great now but I'm still sort of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Has this kind of thing happened to other people here?
Oh definitely, it was more often for me, and I never really got good at predicting when it would happen, and I'm not where you are currently with regards to better relationship. But the "make you feel bad about asking for things and especially help" was huge. I realize I don't know how money was for your family growing up so there's of course the possibility that that was at least a contributing factor, but yeah, not being allowed to ask for things or for help was a thing.
Money was okay, I just think neither of my parents are good at dealing with changes - like, I don't remember specific incidents, but food was a biggie because I have a really restricted diet with my autistic sensory processing issues and I'd change my mind on stuff a lot. I probably frustrated her with trying to get actual nutrition into me.
Sure, but in that case I would expect a person to be more accommodating and even to the point of happy when you would ask for something specific. "Oh! A thing my kid is specifically asking for and will eat I can work with this! Ok let's see how we can use this to make good food!!" The fact that the reaction was the opposite of this gives a clue that maybe she was not being fair to you.
I want to be able to move on from all that and not have it taint the relationship we have now, but I don't know how. I don't want to talk to her about it.
bring it up with a skilled therapist and, perhaps, move on to family therapy if you want to bring her into it. if not, focus on yourself.
