Roommate Advice Needed [finale!]

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Nbkid, Dec 29, 2016.

  1. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    How can someone be bounced from the US boarder so many times? Like, trying to get through without a passport??? That's insane.

    I was going to do a fake name if it ever had to come up with something. Gay Goat is as good as anything though lol.

    I am home now, but update is postponed do to her chatting with me over steam chat rn. I'll put something up when that concludes.
  2. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    She's been bounced at least once that I recall, but that was for not being able to prove that she had solid roots in Canada (and, y'know, wouldn't turn illegal immigrant). Her attempt at proving it was "well, I have very serious medical issues that I have doctors for here in Canada, I'm obviously not going to overstay in the States". This understandably didn't actually prove anything, as far as the border cops were concerned and, in fact, just made her look more sketch. (It doesn't help that her response to being anxious and worried about dealing with authority figures end up looking like the sketchiest person in the room and become very aggressive if she feels she's being confronted about anything by them. It helped less that she utterly melted down and got arrested by border patrol.)
    And since then, word is that she tried to go over the border before the waiting period of "okay, you fucked up but come try again in a few months and provide proper documentation next time" had passed. So - yeah, suspicion is that she's probably now on the list of "people who're probably a bad idea to let into the States" at least as far as the B.C. crossing goes.
  3. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member


    So I have been speaking to my boyfriend and we are still working out a date to propose to her for a solid leaving date, but we havent made any solid decisions. The one thing that we have agreed on is that if that date is past the beginning of spring, we instigate rent at that point.

    I left a note on her computer monitor with a list of local resources in the area, including both the local job center, and the low income housing organisations. I mentioned this to my boyfriend and according to him she told him that shes been turned away from a lot of those orginisations because she has too much money saved in her account. ( like really? why not help with house expenses more then?) I left it on her monitor instead of giving it to her because as far as I knew, she was asleep. Leaving for work I have to walk through her room and noticed she was up looking at it though. As I said goodbye to her she refused to speak to me and my boyfriend.

    I come home from work ready to celebrated tonight. Tomorrow/today ( Jan 1st ) is my boyfriends birthday, so we tend to hang out through the Ball Dropping in NYC. I say hi and ask her how her day was and she continues to ignore me. I jump on my pc to check this forum and reply to turtleDove and she messages me on steam messanger. This was ( most ) of the following conversations. It's missing a bit at the beginning because I started getting annoyed and my neighbor invited me over to celebrate the New Years. ( Not the smartest thing to avoid a heavy convo, but I have a bad habit of avoiding confrontation.)

    The summary of what is missing at the beginning is that she asked if I could talk. I said sure and asked if I upset her. She said sorta and she wanted to know if she upset me. And that no, it wasn't about the note.

    I day im glad to hear its not about the note because i meant it in a way to be helpful and I was afraid she'd take it in the wrong way. She says something to dismiss it, and I try to clarify I that I always feel like I have to walk on eggs around her. She always seems to get so upset even over the smallest problems in the house.

    This is pretty much the rest of it, missing some idk, more of stuff a lot like it.

    Gay Goat: i've come from many long years of abuse and neglect, betrayal and solitude. I'm very bitter outwardly, this doesn't mean that's how I am inside. The homeless situation really messed up everything, and then being traumatized didn't help. I'm experiencing wild influctuations of emotions and attitudes from the mental trauma i've recently endured. I'm trying to sort out and deal with the trauma as directly as I can. I really don't know what to say, i'm heavily unwell mentally and everything that happened in the past 4.5 months has violently shook up my already very weakened and fragile mental state.
    Gay Goat: "Trauma (i.e. intense fear), reliving (i.e. flashbacks), avoidance behavior (i.e. emotional numbing), and hypervigilance (i.e. irritability)."
    i've been having flashbacks, i've been advoiding people, i'm bitter and angry, and i've been incredibly scared and distrustful of people
    Gay Goat: it's painfully by the definition. I really don't mean to be this way, but there's really nothing I can say except that i'm sorry this is happening. I'm so much more mentally direct and calmer with you on the internet as you've probably noticed.
    Me: no, u seem the same on teh internet
    Me: but uh, brb i guess [neighbor] is over
    Me: also ps
    Me: I know what trauma is dont treat me like im an idiot
    Gay Goat: i'm not treating you like an idiot, and I see.
    Gay Goat: it's entirely possible you're percieving it that way. You say things people would percieve one way, but that doesn't mean it is. I may seem like I take things you say badly, but inside i'm relatively rational and level-headed about just about everything that happens. Facade is also a factor, the thing that always projects a bad outward appearance even though that's not how I am inside.
    Gay Goat: sidenote, things went kind of soft-ish in the freezer today and I don't know why, i'm assuming the food is still safe to eat. And i'm planning to vaccum the living room floor tomorrow and wash the dishes. Planning to call my therapist on monday and figure out what I should do next.​

    Re-reading that I do realise I probably took what she said a little more agressively than it was meant. Also the thing about seeming bad on the outside and fine on the inside was something she had brought up previously earlier, trying to say that even though she looked upset ( and was ignoring me) she was actually fine about EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WAS TOTALLY COOL AND SHE WASNT UPSET AT ALL ( sarcasm).

    I don't know. I both got high and drank at my neighbors, and while I'm typing this, so I really feel kinda far away and kinda dissosiative thinking about it all
  4. Mendacity

    Mendacity I’m meaner than my demons

    She reminds me of an ex-roommate of ours that ended up threatening to kill his S/O slash kill himself after we kicked them both out (We couldn't get the s/o to stay since they were still super fucking involved. Thankfully they aren't anymore and are so much happier).

    They were doing the whole 'um trauma' thing because they can probably pick up that you're not happy with them living there. She's manipulating you, your response could be construed as aggressive (I guess) but they were very obviously speaking down to you by doing the whole definition thing.

    I hope you enjoyed your new years party though, you deserve it!
  5. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    How are you supposed to react to anything but her actions and outward appearance? You're not a mind reader. :\
    • Like x 5
  6. LilacMercenary

    LilacMercenary Well-Known Member

    So I used to be on a message board that had a lot of parents with adult children on it. Something that was really popular/widespread at the time was this thing where once their kids turned 18 they'd start charging them (a usually lowish amount of) rent, sock it away without saying anything about it, and give it to them in a lump sum/ a portion of it when they moved out.
    I don't know if it would be financially feasible (or something you'd want to do for other reasons) but I've been thinking about this thread for a couple days now and I wonder if it might help in a couple ways. Besides showing her that she needs to be a responsible part of the house and contribute, it might help minimize the eventual guilt trip when she is asked to leave. Also, you said that she isn't great with her money, so it might be a cushion to help her land on her feet? Also might help you feel better about putting your foot down about the rent thing in the first place.

    Idk, just an idea. This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation and I offer infinite non-confrontational-people fistbumps.
  7. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I understand that Gay Goat may have just been explaining her side of things, and that's fine, but there definitely seemed to be manipulation in there. 'I'm just having a really hard time dealing with my trauma and I feel like you're misinterpreting that and don't understand me.' Again, maybe she was being legitimate, but she may also be trying to guilt-trip you.
  8. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Omg how are there so many people with utterly insane ex roommates? After all of this is said and done we should start a horrible roomy coalition.

    Idk rereading it with a bit clearer mind i do feel like my response was needlessly aggressive, even if she was talking down to me. But that may be me just minimizing the issue, im prone to do that.

    I had a wonderful time with my bf and friends tho, i also met my neighbors new roomy ( a friend shes known a decade)
    who seems much saner than mine. I guess its nice to see how things are supposed to work and have a baseline for how things are supposed to be.

    It may seem stupid, but i didnt even think of it like that!!!! :0

    You know i might consider that because it would ease my guilt a lot, but the thing that bothers me is that is a thing that parents do for their children. Like christ!!! I was trying to help her but i dont want to babysit her.

    And i mentioned earlier, shes been turned away from low income housing bc she has too much money! Like i get thats arbitrary amount and it sucks because its hardly ever enough but im not charging her for anything in my house rn, how much do i have to give her?

    My biggest annoyance is that she just always seems to use her illness as an excuse, and i have a strict ideology that a mental illness can always be a explanation, but its not an excuse for acting shitty and not apologizing or trying to prevent it from happening again.

    She wants to talk again today, so i might have another update later :d
    • Like x 4
  9. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    So wherve i been u ask?
    In bed i reply.
    Sorry for the long pause but honestly ive been really busy, and when i have had free time i have had a hard time putting this post together to update you all. I have had a convo with the gay goat, but i sadly dont remember a lot of it? The first half of it she managed to rile me up a lot, and the second half she tried to talk to me while i was high, so i sadly cant really recall a whole lot of detail. I have told her to not talk to me about important things when im high but honestly its not surprising she does anyway with how shes respected my boundaries so far.
    I will try and give u a rundown of the convos though and what has happened as a result.

    So she came in my room while my boyfriend was taking out the trash and asked if we could finish the convo from before ( the steam steam convo i posted before) and i kind of reluctantly said sure. I asked her what the problem was and she said she didnt have a problem she wanted to know what was wrong with me. I said there was nothing wrong and she said she wanted to know what i meant about having to walk on eggshells around her.
    I dont remember exactly what i said but it was something along the lines of her always acting upset over even such small things and nothing was ever ok and she responded again about how what she always looked like isnt how she felt and i told her i wasnt phsycic so she had to communicate with me. She triednto use her mental state as an excuse again and i told her that whatever she was dealing with was an explanation, not am excuse, and at this point i started yelling because i was at my limit. I also tell her i feel lole she taking advantage of me, and that my bills have doubled and she isnt doing jack to help and doesnt turn off her lights or computer even when shes asleep. On and on like that.
    Now my boyfriend was trying to get back into our room this whole time, but she kept sending him away, refusing to have the convo with anyone else present.

    Im going to be honest this is where my memory starts to fuck up the most*. I stopped yelling and apologized, because u know, she came in for a calm convo and i exploded. I told her that all these little things have just built up on top of the whole potential rape thing, and the yelling was uncalled for.she says something about it being ok because i was right and she deserved it but the convo starts getting stilted and its taking longer and longer for her to respond to me. Im trying to keep my temper in check and eventually tell her to get her thoughts together and we will finish the convo later because i needed to decompress and now my phones blowing up from my neighbor and my bf is still trying to get into the room.
    I leave, go get high to calm down and tell my bf and neighbor what happened bc everyone was worried. I was told that her trying to keep sam out of the room was probably her trying to isolate me to take advantage of my kindness. Idk. I go home to make dinner and enjoy being high.

    But now Gay Goat wants to make dinner as an apology, but my bf and i already had dinner planned bc we went to the grocery earlier, and it turns out she doeant know how to make grilled cheese. So i tell her ill do it and she can learn to make her own ( she refuses to eat things other people touched.) And lo and behold despite the fact i tell her that i dont want to talk about serious things when im high because i dont remember much, she brings up the convo again. Of course i dont remember much from that convo (surpriss surprise.)

    What i do remember is that she mentions things she was struggling with, so i give her options. And at the end of the convo she says she doesnt know where to go next and what to work on to get better and i was just... UM? HOW ABOUT ANY OF THE THINGS WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT?
    Since then things have been better-ish. She payed about half of the electric and said she wanted to pay a third of the rent. She got in touch with her therapist to find other free therapists in our area, and as a 12 week course with them set up and shes applying for new jobs.

    Whats kind of a worrying warning sign for me though is he keeps buying things for me i guess as an apology? And its making me uncomfortable? I cant place a finger on why tho. Like she bought food for the house and said it was just for me and my bf, and bought me a thing for my special interest??? Nothings come up again but shes been acting kind of guilt trippy when she does bring up everything, i guess sorta martyr-ish???

    Idk i know im not remembering a lot and ill post more when i remember.

    *footnote: i cant remember things very well if theres any yelling involved, whether its the other party or me. I have a lot of long term trauma attached to that thats fucked my short and long term memory royaly in those situations and out. :/
  10. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    My guess for why it's making you uncomfortable that she's buying you things is - it's ingratiating behaviour. And she's paid for her share of the electric, and says she wants to pay a third of the rent but...well, if she spends money on things to make you think better of her and be less angry at her, then she could go "I can't afford to pay the rent, I spent so much to try and make you happy ;_; " and skate by on that.
    • Like x 2
  11. missoyashirou

    missoyashirou Someone please give me a tiny dog to play with

    Would it be too forward, in that instance, to just say "I know money has been tight for you recently, so since we were talking about rent, I really would appreciate it if you save your money. The little gifts are nice, but what would be really helpful is making that third of rent more than a little gift here or there." That at least puts it out into the ether, and doesn't come off as directly accusing her of doing this, but framing it as a "hey, you're trying to be helpful and that's great, but here's a better option"?
    • Like x 1
  12. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Ok so i managed to remember one of the things I wanted to add in that post but couldn't remember.
    She mentioned that the reason she hasn't been able to secure a place in low income housing is because she has too much money in her bank account ( somewhere around 2,000$ she told my boyfriend.)
    And when she talked to me about paying the bills/ rent s he told me she wants to pull out a lot of the money in her account and put it in a lock box so if she applies to low income housing again she could just omit that money from her earnings/savings and if they require bank statements it won't show up that she has that much.
    I straight up told her if she knew that that was fraud and it was illegal, but she said she really didn't care. I told her if she went through with finding a therapist on MassHealth and paid their premium that would help drain her account a little while giving her the long term help she needs ( She now has another free therapist that her old therapist recommended, but that only lasts for 12 weeks once it starts, and she is going to need long term help.)
    She's not really brought it up again, but when I mentioned that I would rather her save her money like missoyashirou recommended, but she kinda implied that she was doing it to drain her account a bit without coming out and directly saying that.
  13. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Update: SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS 5000$
    • Like x 5
  14. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    oh what the hell. if she's got that much, no wonder they're refusing her - that's enough to live off of for several months while job-hunting.

    And five bucks says that the low-income housing folks would still look at past bank statements and go "okay, what proof do we have that you haven't just yanked out that money and hidden it somewhere", too.
  15. Void

    Void on discord. Void#4020

    what the fuck

    i don't even have advice just what the fuck. i've been following this and just. wow. jesus christ. anger is very appropriate as a reaction.
    • Like x 2
  16. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    5 GRAND??? that's my target goal to save for moving to another goddamn country. she's definitely got enough saved to support herself for a few months, yeah. at this point you'd be justified in sending her a link to the local Craigslist for apartment rentals and shoving her out the damn door.
    • Like x 3
  17. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Hello friends it has been two weeks and I am still alive.
    I Have, As of Several hours Ago, told the Gay Goat that she is to be out by April first.
    Since That Conversation I would say I have Gotten High, So I'm so sorry about how this typing works but I wanted to update Before I don't Remember.
    I Texted my Neighbor to ask if she would be the Witness and Fair Mediator of the conversation. I am very good at getting Mad at Gay Goat so I needed one and though my Neighbor doesn't much like Gay Goat, she has a Vested Interest in this Conversation Ending Well Without Yelling. So She Was Actually Very Good at that. *
    I Had rehearesd saying what I wanted to with her and then I ask if it Was okay If My Neighbor sat in for the convo but When it happened I started freaking out and having an anxiety Attack and Forgetting what I wanted to say. I said it the best I could and My neighbor ellaborated where I could not.
    Then after she had explained she asked how Gay Goat felt, and after a long pause, Gay Goat said didn't care.
    And I got really mad? And my friend had to stop me from doing a lot of yelling but what I did yell was that if she didnt care then I didnt have to care either and she can just be out on the first fuck her.
    She ended up apologising for saying that she didnt Care.

    I feel like I left a lot of what I said out, but it was a lot of what you guys have been pointing out to me here ( 5 GRAND?!?!?!??) and that I only wanted her there till the spring anyway and I offered to help her get off her feet, and she's stayed here for free when shes had the mean to get on her feet all along.

    Oh yah, there was a part when she got upset and said something to the effect of like " Well five thousand dollars isnt a lot and I cant survive on that on my own and take care of myself alone without a job" and I told her that she could last at least 6 months at least with that sort of money and she didnt beleive me. And my neighbor ( who I dont know if I mentioned but shes a good 6-8(?) years older than both of us so shes had some practice living on her own) pointed out that Gay Goat had more money than me, my boyfriend, her, her roommate, her ex, and her ex's MUM had in total and lived off of on our own right now, as seperate households.

    idk My Neighbor ended up leaving after it was Calm and we ended up talking more but I honeslty Do Not Care what happened. She is so WishyWashy and she is going to be out on the first no matter what happens And I will have my house all to myself on my Birthday on the Tenth.
    If I reread later and deem this illegible, I will retype it and post up a translation. This will probaply be Screencapped and added on as a image for postesrity because i will not be ashamed of how releived I feel right now what I was almost having a Panic attack for two weeks trying to get up the nerve to tell her to gtfo my house.

    * This was added on when I reread my post before posting it, but I also asked her to be there because both people here and people irl have said her talking to me alone was probably a thing she did on purpose and was not good.
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
    • Like x 4
  18. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    your post was perfectly legible to me, don't worry. i'm glad you had the conversation and that she's got an exit date!
    • Like x 1
  19. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    ty @hyrax : )

    but like, small update I guess?
    I finished posting this and she came and sat in my room quietly watching me play a videogame for no reason? she just knocked, came in, sat down for twenty minutes, left. it was so eerie????wtf???
  20. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Give GG a written notice that they have to leave on or before April 1. Do it on paper, keeping a copy for yourself.

    I don't know the laws of your jurisdiction, but a written notice is always a good thing.
    • Like x 8
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