So I realized something today. When I was a kid (~6 is the earliest I can remember this thought pattern) I knew my parents loved me, but thought that their love "didn't count" because they're my parents. Duh, they have to love me. It's the natural order of things, like a contractual obligation. As I got older and more experienced and realized that shitty parents are a thing that exists, my mode of thinking changed to my parents only love me because they have no other reference point. They only think I'm awesome because they've never had an actually awesome kid. It's like stockholm syndrome (or maybe sunken cost fallacy?). and I realized today that nothing has changed. It's the exact same mentality, just worded differently. As I grow older and change, my mental illness just grows with me.
