*Screams Externally*

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by BaseDeltaZero, Jul 30, 2022.

  1. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    Honestly this probably fits into too many categories to go into any one of them, it's been a fairly long time coming. I'm not even sure it's an 'advice question', maybe it's more of a rant. I don't know. I just can't really go anywhere else.

    So there's a lot of shit going on, basically. I've been... trying to finally move out, go back to school, though really I'm not super confident in it working. I've already delayed too long, I think - I don't have money for an apartment without my dad's help, and... he seems to also want to use the apartment for the weekend, which I'm really not happy with, but the point is I didn't manage to get the proper information to them fast enough, I'm not even sure what that information is.

    I'm not super confident in much of anything working, given everything I've ever tried has failed. I'm pretty much a shit person but too much of a coward to kill myself, I guess. There's just...

    I dunno. I have essentially zero 'executive function' and can't really do basic tasks on any kind of schedule. Is it an ADD thing? Is it an autism thing? Is it a worthless loser thing? Probably!

    About the only thing I can do is distract myself from my many, many faults by constantly seeking sensation, like, youtube vids, forums, twitter, etc. So that's... well, it's not exactly what I'm doing right now, but it's what I do. I'm not very productive in doing it, of course, I sometimes have problems even watching through a video.

    I've been thinking about/trying to get adderall or some kind of medication. Of course I can't actually focus long enough to arrange this, so... yeah. There's that. Also my doctor is... again, I dunno. Because I don't have much of any willpower or something I'm also very fat, which... while I don't necessarily want to get into the controversy, is not something I'm happy with. So I guess I'm stuck with that. Even if dieting was feasible I don't have the willpower for it. (Eating food is a hobby simple enough even I can manage it.) A while back I thought that, since I'm too unfit to walk around the neighborhood or anything and I'm so incapable of decisive action anyways, maybe I should try getting a treadmill to put in my room, so that I could walk for short periods while like, watching/listening to videos and other sorts of stuff I'm generally going to do anyways. I figured we'd go for something pretty cheap, because, well, I wasn't sure I was going to use it.

    They bought what had to be the most expensive model they could find and put it downstairs, in the rec-room my dad uses as an office, where I'd not only have to head downstairs to use it (hey, it's a problem when you're as lazy and absentminded as me), guaranteed they'd see it (and probably make some fatty fat fat comment about it), and, of course, I couldn't keep watching a video because it's downstairs where my computer isn't and everyone else is already doing something. When I objected that this was not what I intended at all, they retorted that it was too expensive (and heavy) to go in my room, which... yes, they paid for it, but...

    Of course, while we're on that subject, perhaps I'm more settled with it because it's not like I'd actually be happy if I was thinner, I'm... I don't know, it might just be a creepy virgin fetishistic thing, but I think I'm also kinda trans? I mean, I've been of the 'it'd be cool if I could be a girl' variety, though only since I was a late(?) teenager? That was a bit ago, however, and it wasn't like I was certain or confident, and... well, the capacity is getting better but, well, not so much for people as old as I am. And you know. Work. Hardship, etc. Not too fond of the idea of surgery either. So... that sucks. Also live in Florida so... yeah.

    In slightly more, I dunno, real problems, there's my family which is... well, I can't object. My parents aren't bad, they've always been pretty supportive, at least financially, maybe too supportive in general but it's just... (though they really like to bring up my weight, or at least they did. The one time I tried to broach the trans thing - although not like, clearly, if I actually said it it'd be... at least an awkward conversation - my dad immediately preempted it by talking about my weight.) I mean, I guess these are things that are problems but it's not that I wouldn't like to do something about them, it's that I can't do anything. I just can't make myself do it. I think... my dad doesn't comprehend that?

    Anyways, the other part of it is my mom is getting pretty old and has a bad memory. I love her, or... I loved her, probably both, although more so the former, but she remembers so little, she's constantly trying to remind me or ask me about things that she's already said ten times in the past hour. She frequently comes into my room, often turning off the power when she does so, she takes things like clothes, phone, keys etc and moves them to... somewhere that apparently makes sense to her at the time but which she can't remember a minute later. And of course she'll occasionally try to get food - fortunately she doesn't seem to have that much initiative either but she'll sometimes try to drive off, and when I do take her out for food, she'll almost inevitably complain that I won't let her drive and say she's a better driver than me.
    ... well, she's certainly forgotten more about the subject than I've ever known, trouble is... yeah. It's been a year or so since her last attempt ended with her halfway to Jacksonville.

    Fuck, I feel terrible laying into her like that, it's not like it's her fault, I just get so frustrated, and it makes me angrier and angrier, and... that's why I wanted to move out, partially, that and because... I dunno, I guess some fantasy of being able to take some initiative without having to seek...
    My dad's a pretty cool dude, though the opposite of me in many ways in that he's competent and industrious. Unfortunately this also means he's generally busy or tired, and so we don't really do much together, even if we have common interests, he's always doing something or... wanting things on a schedule.
    My mom, once upon a time there were quite a few things we would do together even if she didn't really understand my interests, but now... she doesn't understand much of anything at all.

    I don't have a job, I failed to graduate college, I can't even sit around reading fanfiction properly, I feel like shit complaining about them but I feel like shit all the time, so... I dunno. It seems like every day I become a worse and worse person, even as my horizon of, that sliver of actually accomplishing anything at all fades. Eventually my parents will die and I'll probably fuck up something and die in a gutter. Doubt anyone will notice.

    I don't know what the fuck I'm ranting about, or what I'm asking, I know this doesn't belong here, I just... I guess I have to say this. I doubt it'll do much good, but... fuck, I don't know. Maybe a miracle will happen.
    • Witnessed x 2
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