I wish I could get back into the swing of talking to people on here and interacting. It would be easier if I could talk to people on discord, but one of the servers is dead and another one I'm not allowed to join. Kinda sucks, but I have to deal with that fact. I just kinda feel lonely lately.
I'm really happy that I've moved to Washington, because it's done a lot to help my mental health, and my therapist I have here is amazing and is helping me so much. Still, I really really miss my friends and family back in Ohio. I wish I could afford to go out to see them for a week or two this winter, but that's just way too much money. I'm barely getting by with state assistance, and I can't really work while I'm trying to appeal disability, so there's no way I can save up the money to make that kind of trip. Also, other than my two roommates, I only know two other people in this city, and I only see them about once or twice a month at best. I'm happy that I have them around, but it's not the same as the time I've spent with friends I've known for over 10 years, and they understand my quirks and different facets, and I don't have to carefully pick my responses and reactions to things. It just feels a bit lonely that it's hard to find people here that I can truly be myself with.
So my therapist and I are doing the next round of EMDR, this time focusing on trauma regarding abuse from my former stepmom. WHOOOOOO BOY SHIT BE ROUGH Anja had to have me start taking deep breaths after every set of eye movement thingy, cause she could see I was dissasociating or getting really tensed up. There were moments where I could've easily started yelling. Now it's just what feels like a 24/7 guard watch on my containment exercises to make sure I don't open this can of worms outside therapy.
Also, my second session of the EMDR round was really hard for me, and I ended up breaking down and crying cause it took a turn I wasn't expecting. It made me realize I'm really afraid to cry in front of others, because I'll be perceived as weak and easy to manipulate and hurt.
I just worry that I won't ever be able to get better in regards to the Dependent Personality Disorder shit. I feel like I'm helpless and I can't do anything.
It's sad cause I'm afraid to get out there and meet people cause of social anxiety, but also cause I don't want to wear people down with my inability to do anything for myself. I worry that my boyfriend will end up hating me if I become so dependant on him.
This is me throwing my personal thoughts/feelings into the void from following lvkas/townghost shit Personally, I don't see a desire to want to get better? Idk if anyone sees said desire, I would love to be shown it personally. But if it's near impossible to properly communicate with them, they cause consistent pain to others, and don't seem to want to get better... why are they still allowed here?
