shitposting rave 2, electric boogaloo

-laughs even harder- Goddamn but you don't think the megaverse revolves around you.

 

Well, at some point in a more plot-filled reality we really ought to get around to clarifying that. Not that I have any idea how to go about doing that.

...you do realize I'm not perfect, right? That, like, I actually kind of suck at interacting with people, and have gotten this far through determination, faking it really well, and a side dose of the "everyone get along" energy coming from Ford's basement?

 

*laughs* I guess so... *sighs* Make whatever goes down canon. Even if it sucks.

Well, I mean, you being perfect is impossible, but... you still managed not to join with the dorito demon, so... I think I've got reason to think you're better than me, at least. And hey, determination and faking it really well are pretty good things, actually. *smiles softly* There have been times when I could've used much more of the first, and leaving my dimension apparently knocked most of the ability to do the second out of me.

And I know that you're not that great at your self-care, that I noticed myself, so don't think I'm blind to your flaws. *laughs* Which is often 'cause you're being noble and putting others above yourself, but... that doesn't mean it doesn't count as a problem, really. People value your life too, as much as or more than they value everybody else's.

And you do know that "everyone get along" energy is actually "everyone wanna fuck and/or kiss everybody" energy, right? *laughs* Orgones. Starts with "org," like "orgasm." *smirks* So... you might wanna rethink what you just said. Unless you actually were aiming to imply that everybody is getting along with you in hopes of tapping that ass... *laughs*

Hey, could you shut up?

I was actually talking about my feelings. In front of Sev. In the shitposting rave 2, sure, but... isn't it something you guys wanted me to do? And it was hard.

*sighs* And I don't even think he wants me, so if I think the megaverse revolves me, I obviously don't think that does me any good.

 

Hey, even if it sucks, we'll have it over and done with.

So I didn't join the dorito demon. You didn't just look over and say, "Hey, hooking up with a demon sounds great," either - it was more complicated than that. And I am by no means without my sins. I just don't talk about them.

Faking it may be useful, but... it can also be pretty toxic. I have mixed feelings about that. And failing at self-care just comes with the package - combining my childhood with medical school with the last year pretty much guaranteed that sleep will consistently end at the bottom of my priority list, but that's really not noteworthy.

People absolutely should not be valuing my life more than anyone else's.

And... apparently I misunderstood. The energy. Um.

*Sev starts very intently paying attention to something on his comm*

 

-abruptly stops laughing- It's the catastrophizing. You keep expecting people to either hate you because you're an irredeemable fuckup or to fall at your feet because you're the megaverse's gift to all sapient species. I have never once see you consider the fact that just MAYBE someone might not give the slightest shit either way. And maybe if you stopped thinking that people will either love or hate you for everything you do you wouldn't be so afraid to talk about things.

Splyndl'cryn and all his slimy little eyeballs, you're dense as a motherfuck.

 

Oh my god, are you seriously doing this? You have the self-esteem of a broken teacup.

 

Oh my god, you absolute overstuffed waffle.

 

*sighs* Well, I bet some random John Smith on Pennarion doesn't give a fuck. If anybody here is named John Smith, that is.

Yeah, I am seriously doing this.

I guess we will. *sighs* Dunno if my feelings could just end quickly like that.

Well, sure, it was, but... I still should've known better. Ford had warned me about him. *sighs* But Julissa came along and promised me what I wanted most back then, and well, suddenly his warnings didn't matter to me anymore.

It probably helps that your sins must have been a real long while ago. With the not-talking about them, I mean. 'Cause, well, my big mistake was literally last week, and I have a feeling yours wasn't. *laughs* You've got time away from them, time to make up for them. Time to be much better than the you that made them.

And yeah, I guess so. I don't think I've ever been in a situation before when I haven't had to do toxic things, so... *laughs* if they're useful, I kinda end up accepting them as part of the package. Can't beat 'em, might as well live with them and use them as well as possible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the tone, dude?! I just said that you matter. *sighs* That you matter to me. And other people. I mean, I bet your Chicago crew loves you. And well, nobody can love the entire universe equally. I mean, people can try but that doesn't mean they have the capacity for it. They always have people they love the most, and you're one of mine.

But was what I said actually wrong, though?

Sev didn't join Bill. I did. That's a pretty significant difference, yeah? Considering that, well, the demon did try to wreck the entirety of the multiverse.

 

I almost joined Bill!

 

But you were smart enough to be like, "hey, something's real fishy" here and ditch that crew. I wasn't.

 

You dingbat. You clod. Stupidity isn't a crime that makes you unworthy of being a person! Nothing is!

 

*sighs* Honestly, I'm still not used to the idea that anybody sees me as a person. It's something I've fought for, yeah, but I can't believe I actually have it now.

 

Okay. Now repeat after me.

'I am a person.'
'People are inherently equal.'
'People do both good things and bad things.'

 

You think doing something rote like that'll help? *frowns*

*repeats it anyway*

 

It's not gonna fix it. But it's something to tell yourself when you feel worthless.

 

You're not missing the point so much as actively dodging it. I'm not sure what my impressed:frustration ratio is, but there's definitely both. It's not that you think the whole world is judging you all at once, just everyone in your immediate vicinity. Which does not make it any less annoying. I'd bet both my thumbs the moment you spoke to 'John Smith on Pennarion' for more than a minute you'd expect them to judge you to either extreme.

 

*smiles softly* Er, thanks, Clover. I appreciate the sentiment, at least.

*laughs* And you think I'd care about his opinion? Or what I thought his opinion was?

 

Yeah, whatever.

 

It'll at least give your feelings a chance to change and grow.

You have no idea what my sins may or may not have been. I can tell you one of them was more recent than a week, but there weren't many people observing, and there's not really anything I can do to fix it, so I'm basically fucked, there. At least you're being given a chance to redeem yourself, and everyone you wronged is encouraging you to.

Saying I matter and saying I'm more important than other people are, actually, two different things.
...and no, I'm not used to people genuinely liking me (actually me).
The kind of people who would say things like that weren't usually valuing me. Just a collection of social markers and certifications. So I'm a bit touchy about that kind of wording.

 

You think you wouldn't? Easy to say, but look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't care if you thought some random fuck you talked to thought you were the hottest shit they'd ever seen, or hated you for what you did. I fucking dare you. Do you even realize how caught up in peoples' opinions you are?