shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Hello, troll from Alternia! I am a medic formerly press-ganged into front-line service who had no say in the way the higher-ups ran things and was just interested in saving as many lives as possible. As such, I'm a bit sensitive to hearing the same things earth organics have been known to harp on. Now we can all enjoy this lovely cultural exchange! Preferably very briefly before moving on to something less depressing.

 

INFORMATION SHARING LIKE REASONABLE PEOPLE, WHICH I OCCASIONALLY PRETEND TO BE: IT'S WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST.

HI, MEDIC FORMERLY PRESS-GANGED INTO FRONT-LINE SERVICE, MY NAME'S KARKAT. THE THINGS I AM SENSITIVE ABOUT ARE AS EXPANSIVE AND VARIED AS THE FAUNA LITTERING MY FORMER PLANET, AND I'M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS FLAPPING MY FACE GASH IN SOME KIND OF HILARIOUS TANTRUM ANTIC OR ANOTHER. ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL DURING A PERFORMANCE OF THE CLASSIC "SHITFIT JIG", FALLING DOWN A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO MY LONG-AWAITED DEATH.

 

My designation is Life Support. Being sensitive about things seems to be one of the things many of us here have in common, I've noticed.

Are banana peels truly that slippery? I've never seen one in person, only on human TV.

 

MAYBE I WAS WRONG IN CLASSIFYING THIS AS A PUNISHMENT REALM, THEN! NEW THEORY: THIS IS SOME BIZARRE COLLECTION DIMENSION THAT SLURPS UP ANY UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE WITH ISSUES SUFFICIENTLY LIKELY TO MEET A SCHADENFREUDE QUOTIENT.

I'VE NEVER SLIPPED ON ONE-GIVE IT TWO SECONDS, I'M SURE THE CRUEL MISTRESS THAT IS PARADOX SPACE WILL REMEDY THAT-BUT THEY'RE COATED LIBERALLY IN MUSHY FRUIT-SLIME, SO PROBABLY? MAYBE NOT ENOUGH TO FLING ME COMICALLY DOWN A STAIRCASE, BUT I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY SLIPPERY.

I DON'T EAT A LOT OF FRUIT, THOUGH, SO MY OBSERVATIONS ARE MOSTLY BASED ON THE FRANKLY HORRENDOUS EATING HABITS OF MY HUMAN FRIENDS.

 

[almost as if the same person is writing him, dave appears on cue. he has one of those newfangled unicorn frappuccinos in one hand, and a banana coated in chocolate and dusted with pretzel crumbs in the other]

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big fda

 

-laughs quietly-
At least your friends eat without prompting.

...do humans... Create false monuments to food?

 

yes
eating mightve been merely a necessity in our caveman days but now its mostly our primary form of recreation weve got whole fucking religions and hierarchies based around food

are the burger king and dairy queen lovers or the fiercest of enemies too bad we normally dont do kismessitude because WOW wouldnt that be a great dynamic but alas it cant be both
or can it
us commoners will never be privy to their greasy secrets

 

DOES IT COUNT AS EATING IF THEY'RE ALL SHOVELING GARBAGE INTO THEIR WAITING MAWS AS FAST AS THEIR DESPERATELY GRASPING FRONDS WILL ALLOW? HONESTLY, I'M FUCKING ASTOUNDED ONE OF THEM HASN'T HAD A PUSHER ATTACK AND KEELED OVER YET. IT'D BE JUST.

[fondly:] SOME HUMANS, PARTICULARLY THOSE IN RED ACTION PAJAMAS, ARE ALSO FULL OF SHIT! DON'T LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS, NEXT HE'LL BE GOING ON ABOUT RIDICULOUS SHIT LIKE HOW THEY ALL WORSHIP SLAM POETRY DEITIES

 

I feel called out. Oppression. Harrassment. I am getting ganged up on. It's a medic conspiracy.
@Karkat Vantas No I did not actually mean to imply we would keep you as a pet. Mostly due to ethical reasona and I'm pretty sure that, one embarrassing hiccup aside, Jetski's pets are all non sapient. Though if you do wish to help our glorious mission by screaming other organics into submission I would be lying if I said it would hurt or chances.

 

-snuggles- Yup. Our evil plan is not havin´ye fall over and faceplant inta something what goes boom.

 

Again.

 

Indeed.

 

I'm sorry!! I never saw a turbofoxformer before. =[[[

 

SEE, WHILE I WOULD *TOTALLY* BE LYING IF I SAID I WAS UNWILLING TO PROVIDE MY UNIQUE VOCAL TALENTS...

INSTEAD OF TREATING MY FITS LIKE THE SPOKEN EQUIVALENT TO A BEATING WITH A BLUNT OBJECT (AS THEY SHOULD BE HANDLED), MOST ORGANICS I'VE RUN INTO JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY. OR, GOD FORBID, SOME FLAVOR OF CUTE. NO ONE NEEDS THE ENEMY LEADER HAVING A GIGGLE-FIT DURING NEGOTIATIONS.

 

You are both lucky I love you dearly.

I'm sure he isn't mad about it, and it was an honest mistake. Just maybe try to ask future pets if they may have objections before adopting them, yes?

I don't know, gigglefits are better than drawn weapons in my book.

 

*blows her a kiss through his mask*
Unfortunately, this ship is full of problem eaters, not just you. Myself included. Cloudcrusher and Jetski never make me worry about that, at least.

 

I GUESS, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET MUCH DONE WHILE EVERYONE'S SNICKERING AT MY LATEST FROTHING CONNIPTION

 

-grins, sprawls on more-

I eat just fine!

 

Didn't you always want to revisit your academic career by holding endless seminars and workshops on the topic of how to become a marginally functioning member of society again?

... If we have on advantage over organics it's that we are pretty much guaranteed to outlive them. We have time, they can giggle themselves right to their graves for all I care.

Really, because I have it on good authority I'm not the only one who tried to leave my rations with bigger mechs.

 

-nodnodnodnodnod- I don't think I need to ask Twisty though!!

The fuel on this ship is much better than what I could get on Obrizon!