shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

-the mi investigates the offering and nibbles a little- Mi! -offended-

 

i mean my s-i-l is super beautiful but im not gonna get weird at rose about her thats like
why
why would you even do that he should be happy you found somebody you love who loves you
and maybe appreciate his wife a little more wtf thats not very fair to her if hes gonna be jealous at his fuckin brother for having a prettier wife
prettier by whatever bs standards yall have

[dave is frowning, juuuust slightly]

 

"Naturally my good sir. Or would you dare imply the Great Simon Schuyler has subpar taste?"
He grins and sips his sherry, apparently joking.

 

"My dear lad. I am entirely joking. If anything, Samael would be jealous due to the fact that Theresa is keeping his wife busy on the weekends. If his wife isn't playing around with Theresa's sister and her dear special friend Valentina. Samael is lucky if he is allowed to remain with the ladies while they are among themselves. The same would be true for me for that matter, but I have highly refined and exclusive tastes and will take the blessings of my Mistress' attentions when she decides I earned them."
He looks entirely too cheerful about that arrangement.

 

"My apologies, I'm afraid there's nothing else to be found in my pockets. I am woefully underprepared for hosting those of feline qualities."

 

Veroandi: "Aliens? Like from outer space?? That sounds super cool."


Uror: "The closest we've met to aliens are the Forest Folk, but we're not really on the best of terms with them. With good reason."


Dainn: "They have very fucking good reason to hate us."


Kerlaugr: "Um, guys, do we want to know what dad juice is? Or do you think we're better off not knowing..."

 

...i wasn't aware that i was a dad

 

-sits up very primly- Mi! -Simon seems to be forgiven however, because the mi tries to lick him dry-

 

ok to be entirely fair from my perspective you look super old fashioned aside from the deadness and humans dont have the best history for treating ladies all that great
but it sounds like youre pretty fucking liberated if im parsing that last bit correctly
BUT WHO KNOWS given my comprehension skills apparently fly out the fucking window when im talking to you
never to be seen again

what the fuck did you guys think karkat was
yes hes an alien yes from outer space no its not really that cool because they were all kind of raging fuckpimples back when them being aliens was still a novel concept
and here kiddies plug your ears if you dont want to know cause im about to tell welches grape over there

lmao no
milk from zahhaks gross horse father
dad juice

 

Uror: "Not all sapient nonhumans come from the stars above! Some of them grow in trees."


Dainn: "Believe me, he's not joking."

Dainn: " I have many regrets."


"Kerlaugr: "I wish I never asked!"

 

...this doesn't help your case

 

oh come on ive said worse things
maybe not in front of you weaklings but that was merely a sampling of the strider buffet

anyway how do they grow in trees and do crabapples grow people because if i didnt know he made himself in a lab i would bet five boondollars karkat sprouted off one

what case
are you saying that you wrung yourself out of his veiny teat and that you are in fact dad juice juice
or the case that im a normal fucking human being because there was never any evidence for that dude the jury didnt even take an hour before they came back
yes your honor we have a verdict
verdict being strider jr/sr who the fuck knows anymore is a goddamn freakazoid and frankly sir wed like to ask him to teach us his ways
ive never seen anyone embody keep austin weird so wholly and still manage to be such a badass
hes not even from austin and yet
and fucking yet
the judge sentences me to an eternity of community service teaching all the lowly plebs how to wrangle these sicknasty metaphors and turns of phrase
but its ok because im a generous guy

 

You bonded an organic, obviously your taste is subpar. [Fluttery teasing wings.] When will tiny aliens ever learn the charm and grace of a majestic Seeker frame?

Literal space alien, right here. [He waves to the Guild.] Or, well, you're the aliens from my point of view, but same thing.

 

I'm afraid our beauty is like, too vast for them to grok.

 

Jetfuel, they're only about half the size of a minibot, and those chase us often enough.

 

[furious eyebrow waggling]

consider me grokking

 

;D

I'm spoken for and also permadead, but thanks!

 

what a fuckin coincidence i am also spoken for
lets all mutually platonically appreciate everyone elses hotness

 

He looks to be a smidgen tinier, I think he's still juvenile.

Like, totally. Someone open a window!

 

meet me in the pit im a grown ass dude i just havent been exceptionally gifted verticalways in comparison to you enormous bastards
ill have you know im exactly the average height for males of my species
a perfect specimen to be observed with awe

anyways
[he makes a show of fanning himself]
are we on lohac because good lordy im gonna get heatstroke ive got palpitations