shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

WHEN WOULD I EVER SAY NO TO COFFEE? YES, OBVIOUSLY, I NEED TO FUNNEL IT DOWN MY FOODPIPE LIKE IT'S THE ONLY SUSTENANCE AROUND FOR MILES.

 

Happens here. Kind of dreamlike, it's moldable if you either will or want hard enough.

-flops next to the coffee bar- Coffee yes please?

 

Oh! It is you again. The one who worries that I'm in a violent cult.

-he says this affably. tori isn't pissed or even being mean.-

...right. Right. Clover had mentioned that to me. Demonstrated it even.

Still, it is a bit hard to adjust to when that isn't at all how reality works. Or at least the one I'm used to.

-sits down suspiciously at the tea table and pours a cup. it is sniffed. it smells like tea, the sort tir'buir would make. it is given a testing sip-

 

WORRY? ME?????? OH, NO! I *KNOW* YOU'RE IN A CULT, I CAN SMELL THAT SHIT A MILE OFF. CALL ME PYROPE, BECAUSE MY SNIFFNODE IS ON THE CASE.

IF I'M LUCKY, YOU'LL ONLY TAKE SMALL OFFENSE TO THIS AND KILL ME QUICKLY INSTEAD OF STRINGING MY ENTRAILS UP AROUND THE HIVE LIKE A FESTIVE GARLAND. RITUAL SACRIFICE, IT'S THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

 

We should make a photo album to display at your corpse party. Smile for the camera!
(Oneira operates a dingy, old clamshell phone, held together by glittery putty and stickers. It's an atrocity.)

That's the spirit.
(Oneira hands him a big mug. It, too, has a cat mouth at the bottom.)

Sure, just tell me how you like it.

 

-laughs a bit at that-

Unfortunately my cult forbids the taking of life unless deemed necessary. The saber will have to stay where it is. If you've anything to worry about it's my starting a meditation class.

Anyway, I don't believe I caught your name. I certainly can't keep calling you "the one who says I'm part of a violent cult." It's a bit too wordy, on top of being rude.

 

Sweet and strong. Anything else is extra, though I don't mind. I prefer creamer or actual cream over plain milk.

 

[dave is in love with this phone. this phone speaks to him. he throws up a peace sign and cracks the barest hint of a smile]

what better way to remember me by
i want every page made out of kleenex people cried into
lovingly hand pressed into scrapbook paper

 

[karkat makes a valiant attempt to drown himself in the coffee. either that or he's trying to kiss the cat mouth? whatever the case may be, that coffee isn't going to last long]

OH, I'M SURE IT'LL BE DEEMED NECESSARY IN DUE TIME. MY ULTIMATE GOAL IN LIFE IS TO HAVE ALL CULTS EITHER WORSHIPPING ME OR TRYING TO KILL ME. NOT EVEN YOU AND YOUR LASER SWORDS CAN RESIST MY REPUGNANT WILES. THE CONCEPT OF "ZEN" JUMPED OFF A CLIFF WHEN FACED WITH THE PROSPECT OF DEALING WITH ME FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR! SURELY TRANQUILITY WILL BE NEXT

I'M KARKAT. WHILE I'M PRETENDING TO HAVE MANNERS, YOU ARE?

 

One coffee lava choc with cream, coming up.
((Choc here in the sense of a German Praline, a small, often decorated piece of chocolate. They come in boxes.))
(Oneira. Oneira, no. The stranger might look a lot like Static just older, but it's still rude to outright ask them shit like that.)

Gross. Go tell your human wiggler children to do it.

 

Torisen Talissen, Jedi Knight and apprentice of Master Knorth.

And I'm still going to have to pass on the ritual sacrifice. The worshiping you too. That just seems a bit...odd. Jumping off a cliff I might do though. You do odd things when protecting the galaxy.

 

havent got any bro
i mean like beyond 'an eighth of the population is genetically descended from me' theyre definitely not my KIDS
so who will care for me in my old age
this is the problem with the youth these days never respecting their elders

[he flops backwards into karkat's lap, narrowly avoiding death by coffee mug, and flings an arm across his face]

remember me well pissypants

 

You're quite theatrical.

 

Ooooo, chocolate is always good. -they fish out the choc with their fingers, a very familiar look of concentration on their face-

 

YOU'RE IN A CULT AND YOU'RE TELLING ME WHAT'S ODD? SAY IT AIN'T SO!

DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY THE TRIP DOWN ON YOUR GALACTIC SUICIDE MISSION. I HEAR MOST DON'T LIKE THE "REDUCED TO A SMEAR OF MEAT ON THE FLOOR OF A RAVINE" PART SO MUCH

[karkat looks down at him and lets out a very long, very disappointed sigh. and then he tries to be subtle about petting dave's hair]

I'LL BE SURE TO COMMISSION AN APPROPRIATELY PHALLIC HEADSTONE FOR YOUR RIDICULOUS BURIAL RITUAL.

 

You wouldn't believe how useful the Force can be for avoiding becoming a stain on the floor. It's not foolproof, nothing is. Helps more than a bit with landing on moving targets, though. With slowing down a fall too!

 

[he makes upside-down finger guns at tori]

you cant see it but im winking
i take that stupid saying about the world being a stage VERY goddamn literally
give me my fucking oscar the emmy juice is coursing through my veins i deserve it
whos dick do i gotta suck for my efforts to be recognized

yes ideal
sweet bro and hella jeff can be sculpted next to the nads
gross little angel wings on their poorly carved backs
watching over me for eternity

 

-he was going to drink his tea. he sits there in silence for a bit. taken aback by this. he sets the cup down-

Colorful too.

Not a bad thing, however.

 

GOD, IS THERE ACTUALLY ANYONE IN HERE BESIDES ME WHO WOULD ACTUALLY DIE AND STAY DEAD FROM JUMPING OFF A CLIFF? ANYONE AT ALL?

EVEN HERE, SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, I CONTINUE TO FIND NEW DEPTHS OF FAILURE. I'M NOT EVEN IN THE BARREL ANYMORE--NO! THERE WAS A TRAPDOOR BENEATH THE BARREL, AND BELOW THAT, IN THE CELLAR WITH THE DIRT NOODLES AND SQUEAKBEASTS GNAWING ON WHATEVER FOOD REMNANTS WERE ONCE HERE...THAT IS WHERE I AM.

 

[dave snickers and waggles his eyebrows]

im a verbal fuckin rainbow dude ive even got the spoken equivalent of those colors human eyes cant really comprehend
its definitely not a bad thing its the best thing
have i rustled your jimmies tho cause youre seeming a bit perturbed