shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"O-oh jeez, Rick, you - you're drinking pure ethanol? A-a-are you trying to kill yourself?" Morty shouts, his hands holding the sides of his head, panicked look on his face that he's trying to hide - and failing to do so.

 

OOH, YES, WE SHOULD ALL JUST DROP A MONTH'S WORTH OF CAEGARS ON SOME ~FANCY~ LEAF WATER! NOT JUST ANY LEAF WATER WILL SUFFICE, OH NO, IT CAN ONLY BE THE FINEST OF STUFF, STEEPED IN PURIFIED TEARS FROM THE DUCTS OF A NEWBORN SPARKLEFART FOR THE DELIGHT OF HIGHBLOOD DOUCHEBAGS EVERYWHERE.

I HEAR THE BEST WAY TO *REALLY* ENJOY TEA IS IF YOU BREW YOURSELF A PERFECT CUP AND THEN JUST LOOK AT IT, IMAGINING THE SUBTLE NUANCES IN THE FLAVOR YET NEVER LETTING YOURSELF STOOP SO LOW AS TO TAKE A SIP. DRINKING IS FOR THE COMMON FOLK

 

[She inclines her head.]
Oh nothing to worry about there, I don't tend to stand on protocol. My name is Armory of Alyon, and these [gestures at @Veritas @Fidelis @Rage of Tribe Megatronus and @Bang & Pow ] are my bondmates.

 

"See, we have a true connoisseur here. I am so very impressed. I might even share my tea for looking at entirely free of charge, my friend. Of course I hardly paid for it to begin with. Long fingers make full wallets, you see?"
Simon winks.

 

Oh.
[moment of stunned silence as he looks at all of them. There's so many of them.]
I'm Updraft, formerly of Polyhex, currently without bondmates. You are so very lucky.

 

"Oh god, its a troll, everyone -" He burps, disgustingly, "- everyone hide your weak and feeble before the rest of them show up and off us. "

"I will do no such thing, I have better things to spend my money on. Like - like more ethanol."

"Yeah and it's taking too long if you ask me." He snorts, giving a self-deprecating laugh.

"Well I mean-" He cuts himself short, shrugging, "Wuba luba dub dub, am I right? Anybody?"

 

"R-Rick! What - what's that supposed to mean? Just stop w-with the catchphrase for a minute a-a-and answer honestly. Just saying - saying that stupid thing you always say isn't helping clarify anything here, Rick."

 

OH, GREAT, SO YOU JUST *ACT* LIKE YOU'RE AS PURPLE AS THEY COME, THIS IS SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. I'VE HAD ENOUGH TEA FOR SEVERAL LIFETIMES, WHICH I'M SURE IS VERY TRAGIC SEEING AS EVERYONE IS JUST *GAGGING* FOR MY COMPANY, BUT ALAS! NO AMOUNT OF BEGGING NOR CLINGING TO MY WALKSTRUTS AS I DRAG YOUR DESPERATE FORM ACROSS THE COLD, ROCKY GROUND WILL CONVINCE ME TO STAY AND GAZE AT A CUP.

[karkat's expression is so withering he could kill an entire field of corn with just one look]

GAZE DEEP INTO MY HIDEOUSLY BRIGHT EYES, YOU WASHED-UP SNOTDICK, AND TELL ME HONESTLY IF YOU THINK I WOULD GO AFTER ~*~WEAK AND FEEBLE~*~

OR! OR! IF THAT PARTICULAR ENDEAVOR DOESN'T TICKLE YOUR GLOBES, GAZE UPON MY DISGUSTING FLESH HUSK AS I WRITHE HELPLESSLY THROUGH THE NIGH-INSURMOUNTABLE TASK DAILY LIFE IS FOR ME. I COULDN'T OFF A BEACHED GOLDFISH, DUDE.

 

"Huh, would'ya look at that, you - you've got discolored eyes. How are you not dead, did you hightail it off that dingy rock as soon as you got the chance? I mean hell, can't blame a guy for that. I -" He burps again, "- I would have too if a nutjob government was trying to kill me. Wait actually I've already done that."

"I mean I think it's clearing up everything, it's - it's self explanatory Morty. It tells itself. What's left to say? Nothing, that's what. And it's not like I've died from this shit yet, so as long as I'm not dead I'm going to keep drinking this. It's worked for every other Rick I've ever met, s-so where's your logic, huh, Morty? 'Cause mine seems pretty flawless if you ask me."

 

"I'm having to work hard to resist the temptation to flick a lit match at you, Rick" Vic says. "You'd go up spectacularly."

 

"Y-Yeah, yeah I probably would. Just, poof, excruciating agony - the fiery smell of my alcohol ridden body burning up like an oil lamp. No more Rick at best, at least - least no more clothes." He laughs, waving his hand out. "The amount of shit I spill on my shirts will probably save me from any damage. At least before I can get myself free of my clothes."

 

[you can't just ask a guy how they're not dead, rick! karkat scowls]

GOOD JOB, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! I'M *VERY* PROUD.
"WHY AM I NOT DEAD" IS, SADLY, A QUESTION I MUST TEARFULLY ASK MYSELF WHEN I AWAKEN EACH NIGHT, STILL--DESPITE MY PRAYERS TO THE CONTRARY--PUMPING MY SPECIAL SWILL THROUGH MY BODY.
MY ALTERNIA WAS DESTROYED BY METEORS SENT BY A MALEVOLENT VIDEO GAME, I'M ON A POST-POST APOCALYPTIC EARTH NOW, GO FUCK YOURSELF, SO ON AND SO FORTH. THERE! WE HAVE BLASTED THROUGH MY FASCINATING BACKSTORY WITHOUT THE HOURS OF USELESS MISERY WANK NORMALLY REQUIRED, SO NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ANY MORE STUPID QUESTIONS. CRAZY HOW THAT WORKS!

 

❄︎♒︎♏︎ ☹︎︎︎︎✋︎☜︎︎❄︎ ⬧︎♓︎■︎♍︎♏︎ ⬧︎♒︎♏︎ ♒︎♋︎⬧︎ ❍︎♏︎✏︎✏︎✏︎
-says the sword on Armory's back, incredibly smug-

Spoiler: translation

The LUCKIEST since she has me!!!

 

Oh. I mean... thank you.
[She says it vey softly and gestures for Updraft to sit with her.]
What happened? Unless it's... too painful to talk about?

 

He gasps in mock offense.
"Excuse me my lad I am very noble and quite distinguished."

 

"Jesus I forgot how weird some of you guys talk, and I - I can assure everyone here I am not nearly drunk enough to try and sift through half of what that meant. But I mean, good on ya', about not being dead and all. I too wake up wondering how the fuck I didn't die in my sleep. It's - it's a pretty morbid thought, if you think about it. Shit gets real dark, like I'm a fucking edge lord or some shit." He pauses, squinting his eyes.

"Wait, wait, you're from a universe where the trolls got that stupid fucking game? F-fucking hell, that's - that's some brutal shit."

 

"Well, I mean, y-you got me there, Rick. If it worked for you then I mean, I-I-I guess it can work for... you? Ah jeez this time travel, multiverse stuff sure is - sure is messig with my head, Rick. I-I-It's really confusing. How does anyone understand this stuff??"

 

I am afraid I don't understand. I'm sorry? [More subdued fidgeting, frowns and repeats the words carefully to try and phrase them before giving up with a little sigh]

Oh. It is... It was a long time ago. [He comes to sit down with her, looking at his own feet and absently touching his chest compartment] There was a ship crash, you see? I survived and only barely. [He forces his hand down with a sudden motion, looking somewhat upset even if mostly at himself] I should really have gotten over it by now, it must be millions of years ago now, but...

 

nah dude thats not a troll thing like typing quirks or whatever thats a karkat thing
its his own special brand of magic

[dave mimes wiping away an imaginary tear from his...shade lens]

time travel or multiverses theyre two different concepts dude and acting like theyre the same thing isnt gonna help you any
time travel is simple sit the fuck down son cause youre about to get schooled
so lets pretend for a second that time is linear because its easier for humans like us to understand it that way so you got yourself a sweet line just doin its thing going straight on forever
thats your timeline and this is your timeline on time travel

so if you have stayed on this straight line from point a to point d and you have the means to get back to point a and wanna then youve got two options
you go back to point a and make sure everything happens exactly the way you remember it which means you just created a stable loop hot fucking dog orrrrr
you go back and change things which means you make an offshoot timeline where things happen differently
so your line ends up having loops going out then back in and branches that go off and then eventually die its like a weird tree
im pretty much the master of stable loops and am literally a god of time wassup

 

-blows a metallic raspberry-
☠︎♏︎□︎♍︎⍓︎♌︎♏︎⌧︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ⬧︎⧫︎◆︎◻︎♓︎♎︎✏︎✏︎

Spoiler: translation

Neocybex is stupid!!