shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

AND BY THAT HE MEANS "PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES ON WHAT DEFINES 'FOOD' OR EVEN SIMPLY 'EATING THIS WON'T KILL YOU HORRIBLY.'" TRULY THESE ARE THE CUTTING-EDGE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! I SIT WITH BATED BREATH AND GROWLING STOMACH FOR THE LATEST WRITHING MASTERPIECE.

 

[Fleet blinks, startled by the question. After a moment he shrugs.] We do whatever it is we want. Primarily we learn about the places around us, animals, even the humans. Stall's got a thing for earth.

Occasionally we have to relocate, or hide, so we aren't captured for leaving. But it's not like we've got anyone telling us what to do.

 

-laughs, shakes her head- I ate a penny covered in vinegar for a fiver once.

 

oh i like you
feast from my bounteous cornucopia

[he summons a mysterious cut of meat. it has been marinated in apple juice and a package of lemon ice kool aid mix, breaded in crushed-up cheez-its, blackened in the oven, and garnished with whipped cream and jalepenos. the scent coming off it could kill lesser men]

 

What the actual fuck is that. What do you call it. -she has a fork and knife. Oh gods. Oh no. She's actually going to eat it-

 

I'VE EATEN MY FAIR SHARE OF DUBIOUS FOODSTUFFS, DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO RISK RADIOACTIVE DIARRHEA WHEN WE COULD HAVE LITERALLY ANYTHING WE WANT, AND ESPECIALLY NOT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES! THAT'S HOW A SPECIES GOES EXTINCT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

THE LAST DESPERATE SEED OF HUMANITY, WIPED OUT BECAUSE OF A DARE TO EAT LITERAL FECAL MATTER. HOW VERY SAD

 

dont listen to karkat he eats bugs

i call it many things
creme de la creme a la strider
gods mistake
me and the oven had a baby and the baby is this
hey karkat weve got weird shit in the fridge and im gonna use it all up before it goes bad
daves tender loin

 

-sits, considering, once she's finished- Not the worst thing I've ever put in my face on a lark.

I'm gonna have to give you a sample of my stone stir-fry. It's less eccentric but the same "whoops I don't have a fridge and things are going bad throw it in a pan." Speaking of, how do you feel about eating wiggly things?

 

[Hive screeches, bouncing in agitation.] He eats what??

 

OH NO, HUMANS EAT OTHER MAMMALS! DON'T PISS ON MY WALKSTRUT AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING, STUPID-POWERED DOUCHEMOTOR--I KNOW YOU NEED SO MUCH FOOD TO KEEP RUNNING YOU DON'T HAVE ROOM TO BE SMUG

 

ShockCollar turns his attention towards the insecticon. "I hear that they tend to be a delicacy on this planet..." He states.

 

There's a difference between insects and insecticons.

 

i mean theres some wiggly things ill eat

[much eyebrow waggling]

but whatre we talking cause if its bugs i eat them on dares but karkat actually enjoys them cause hes gross
normally i just inflict my creations on others though
my body is a temple

 

If I inflict stone stir fry on you it'll probably have a few bugs in it. Good source of protein.

I won't dare you to eat a live worm though. 2/10 would not recommend.

 

OH, SHIT, REALLY? TELL ME MORE ARCANE SECRETS!

PERHAPS MAYBE THAT INSECTS ARE MADE OF MEAT AND INSECTICONS AREN'T??? WOW, I SHOULD QUIT LOAFING ABOUT LIKE A HUGE PIECE OF SHIT AND BECOME A DETECTIVE!

I AM *SAYING* THERE'S NOTHING SHOCKING ABOUT ME EATING BUGS JUST BECAUSE I'M AN INSECT OR WHATEVER. WHAT NEXT, A LECTURE ON THE EVILS OF CANNIBALISM?

 

Yes but what kind of monster would I be if I ate those precious creatures!! There is a difference between food and bugs!

You can't be serious? That's positively, just, terrible. [Hive chitters in distress.]

Yes, yes! I of course have no problem eating other insecticons if it's necessary! But I would never dream of eating or hurting a bug. Besides, they're much too small to eat anyway.

[Hive freezes, blinking comically before he turns back to Karkat.] You're an insect?? But you're much too big!

 

you and the trolls should make a bug munching club
share the secrets to delicious centipedes or whatever
cept karkat cant cook either so hed give you a really elaborate set of instructions on how to half cook a rhinoceros beetle

how have we not starved to death i wonder
hi im god i control time and i cant figure out anything harder than box mac and cheese

 

They're not my favorite food in the world. But when there's not a lot around and you can't afford to be short on protein bugs are good. Mealworms are nice fried. Kind of like popcorn. Crickets aren't bad salted but the texture of the wings gets me. And if you cook beetle grubs they're.... palatable. Best to throw them in with a bunch of other stuff and not think about them.

 

" Sometimes it's necessary, for things such as 'nutrition,' lack of other food, or - as the fleshling says - 'dares.' " He waves a servo nonchalantly.

 

I--- but a bug is so small, and - and it is an amazing creature! Why would anyone try to eat it? [Hive tilts his head in confusion, looking down at Shock collar. His antennae twitch as he speaks.]

My Queen, what is a dare??