shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Uh, you're not going to accept 'The scary asian guy in a suit' are you? You never gave me your name and you don't have a cTOS profile so I couldn't cheat.

And that's not something I wanted to think about or hear, man. My not being a sub is none of your business.

Look, I'm as surprised here as you are. You're clearly the one who gives the fewest shits, I'm just bad at exiting conversations like this. Also it's kind of nice after how bad you scared the shit out of me to snipe at you, so there's that.

 

[Snickering]
I have many faults but being nervous about feelings ain't one of 'em! Probably helps that I got picked up practically my first night outta proto's first assigned quarters, but I'm not complaining :P

 

...but that's easy. Yes, organics presumably put out less bioelectrical impulses, but still.

 

Nice to meet you Karkat. Uh, yeah no I don't think hatemance works with humans very often? Sometimes I guess, but not always.

Um, but I'm just being a dick here. Trolling, if you will.

Haha oohhh sick burn

Lucky! It took me forever to ask out my partner.

 

Didn't really have a choice. I was inside the Exclusion Zone when it went up and now that it's not a thing anymore I'm less inclined to leave. For some reason the infection changed outside the Exclusion Zone, started following different rules. Inside the Zone you still need fluid contact to catch the disease. After the past few months the rest of the world's gone straight apocalyptic, with the infection hitting everyone not immune and nobody knows how. Here things are just shitty.

That's what makes it fun!

And an actual relationship might not work but regular hookups might. I had a partner where if we got together we'd kill each other inside of a week, but we ended up rival-friends who had flings and it worked out pretty well.

I'm about as invested in this as I am in the Tomb Raider game, it's just more fun to think about than my world being completely fucked by zombies.

 

tell that to their entire fleet dingdong

 

Huh. Yeah, I can see it now. Conversational habit, not just a thing for him, but I don't exactly have anyone else around to compare-contrast.

Gotta note that down. My guy might find it interesting.

Called it. That's why I didn't give you a calling card either. Don't hire fixers very often, do you?

Aw, that's cute. Still not my type, but cute. Do you wear your big-boy pants with your boyfriend, or is the ballcrushing part of the appeal?

Ugh. No thanks. I'll just avoid all zombie apocalypses, I think. Too much cleanup, not enough profit. Not my ideal world.

Which Tomb Raider? I'm trying to get a good metric for how offended I should be, socially speaking. PS1 triangle tits Laura Croft or modern graphics but substantially downsized for the shitty plot tits Laura Croft?

 

Hehe, yep! Minis like me are-- well, were, I guess-- pretty rare in mining towns like Altihex, so as soon as I went out not stealthed I got like. Mobbed by a bunch of giant-aft laborers who thought I was the cutest slag.

...And then Quarrel and Pummel punched a guy for the 'honor' of buying my drinks for the night (spoiler, that sounds way fancier than how we woulda called it) because they're fraggin' ridiculous and the rest is history! ...was history? What even are verbs when one of 'em's dead now?

 

Fleet? They use them to power ships? Is that set up in relays or-- right, right, you said ask a troll, sorry. That really does sound interesting, though!

 

...er. From a scientific perspective, I should probably clarify that since using people as batteries is normally nonconsensual and not the sort of thing I want to endorse.

 

No, I never do because I do most of the legwork for DedSec. Like, none of what we do usually needs fixers. Hell, I could have handled that boat on my own.

What.
Let's put it to you this way: You'll never meet my boyfriend for my sake and yours. His sake too but... My god. You think I'm annoying? I love Wrench to death but you'd be done with him in .5 seconds flat.

Breaking news, San Francisco exploded today because the immovable object met the unstoppable force.

I'm sorry that you've lost someone, sounds adorable though.

 

Lost a word there, I meant the next Tomb Raider. Interesting to know it gets popular enough to go on for a while, but shitty triangle tits may be a factor. So far there's only one, so PS1 triangle tits I guess? There's not gonna be any more games in my world though, because zombies, sadly. Does the plot actually get worse?

 

[Awkward shrug! Stop making things depressing, Wiretap, maybe you need a real, non-rave nap.] War happens, people die, it was a while ago. They totally are... were, whatever-- adorable, though! [Just smile through it and keep the conversation moving.] Like seriously who even still uses projectile weapons in this day and age, let alone solid ammo?

 

I mean... we do in my world! Mostly because other forms of weaponry are kind of not quite there? Wrench makes explosives a lot though, grenade launchers.

 

You keep telling yourself that. You'd have been dead without my help and you know it. Could've been dead with my help too, but I'm nice and try not to shoot people I'm working with.

Often.

You know what? Keep that promise. I can't think of anything I want less than to meet your boyfriend. Well, that's not true, there's lots of things I want less-- box of kittens, white-collar job, family of five with a white picket fence and a dog-- but that's definitely up there on the list. 'Shitster's boyfriend', right next to 'aquarium trip with a class of second graders'.

[He laughs for almost a full minute before taking a sip of his scotch.]

Yeah. Oh yeah. It gets much worse. I don't play games for the story, but I'd play Tomb Raider even less for the story than I would Super Monkey Ball 2. So in some ways, you're lucky the apocalypse came early, because you never had to sit through the agonizing spectacle of a-cup Laura Croft getting saved by men from increasingly compromising situations in full HD.

 

...slag, right, you're a few centuries behind our tech-level, aren't you? Okay, perspective: personal ranged weapons are usually either energy- or plasma-based, physical metal projectiles don't usually do too much against our plating! And then there's this motherfucker who decides he wants to learn how to use a crossbow. I'm not one for form-determinism, I ain't tryna say my big buff miner conjunx should be a punchy dude even if he is mean in a brawl, but... crossbows. Entirely for the stupid pun.

 

But boy, you sure do love pointing guns at people!
You kept. shooting. my. drone. I legitimately could have gotten that finished twice as fast if you had have been not doing that but no, I think 'I'll be nice and let Suit Guy focus on the real problematic people and I'll take down the ones around the server'. I find out that you apparently got bored??? I guess?? Because my drones were shot, you blew up a CAR. BESIDE ME.

I honestly would have been perfectly fine without you, I can also shoot guns it might surprise you to find out.

I mean, if he didn't aim to annoy the piss out of you the first moment he saw you he'd probably I don't know... Wrench is weird, like dude knows all the local gangs in and out and makes explosives. Alright hacker? Better breaker. I mean... I can actually agree with you on all those things, because fuck that horse shit but dogs are ok. So long as they're not going for your throat.

Alright, that's pretty badass though? That'd be like bringing a sword to a gunfight in my world.

 

I mean swords are more useful at melee range, it takes skill to use them right but they're still great weapons. I agree that he's badass, but I'm also biased as Mortilus :P

 

-facepalm- Oh my hells. Do they at least add to the acrobatics? Can you do more than shimmey and long jump (and overly slow handstand up ledges)? Do the camera angles hate you less? That won't redeem them but it'll pull them out of "YOU MADE EVERYTHING WORSE WTF" hell at least.

 

Is biased as Mortilus like biased as hell for us humans? I'm assuming so.