shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Yeeeeah, you took too long. I get bored easy. Not a whole lot else to shoot up there once I was done with them, and I bet you wouldn't have been interested in any of my work stories either. I had to make my own fun.

And your situational awareness is pretty shit, so I'd be surprised if you managed to shoot guns properly. I mean hell, you aimed for my ass. What do you think an ass shot is going to do? Wrists, knees, heads, core, you fucking graze someone's buttcheek and all they do is get pissed. Point blank, too! Point blank, in the ass, and you couldn't even manage the followup.

Bottom line: hack faster next time. With whatever little phone thingies you use to do it.

Pretty sure everything just got jankier, honestly. Not sure if it was beta-tested, lot of bugs that I remember, but I also didn't play it myself. Watched some mouthbreather fuck up and fail a lot before I was given the go ahead to shoot, and believe me, I would have done anything to watch anything else for three hours, believe me.

 

IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK WITH ANY GROUP, TROLLS INCLUDED. QUADRANT ROMANCE IS A NUANCED BEAST AND A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T CUT OUT FOR UNDERSTANDING IT, LET ALONE EXECUTING IT.

HAR HAR. OH, HELP, MY FUNNY BONE.

SURE, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK THERE'S ENOUGH REAL-DEAL, NO-HOLDS-BARRED HATE HERE TO EVEN WARRANT AN AUSPITICE, LET ALONE FOSTER A FRENEMIES WITH BENEFITS SITUATION. THE FRUITS OF THIS HATE TREE ARE WITHERED AND BLAND.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BOY I HATE BEING THE TOKEN TROLL. NORMALLY I CAN'T SHAKE THE SQUAD OF WIGGLERS MUCKING UP THE PLACE, BUT NOOO, WHEN IT'S TIME TO EXPLAIN HELMING KARKAT'S THE ONLY ONE AROUND. I VOLUNTEER, OR WHATEVER.

YES WE USED THEM TO POWER SHIPS, NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TECHNICAL ASPECTS OF IT, JUST THAT SOME OF US WERE BORN WITH PSIONICS WHICH MEANT THE LUCKY FEW GOT TO BE BATTERIES AND THAT AFTER THEY GOT STRAPPED IN THEY WERE MORE AUTOPILOT THAN PERSON. IS THAT GRUESOME ENOUGH FOR YOU OR SHALL I EXPLAIN SOME OTHER PRACTICES OF MY PEOPLE?

 

Ehhh kinda? Different religious reference-- tfw your death deity starts murdering everyone instead of preserving the natural cycle just so he has an excuse to go smooch his conjunx more often-- but it fills basically the same idiom space, yeah.

 

Actually I would have vastly preferred 'work stories' over nearly blowing a car up on top of me. Had you not shot the drone I would have been done faster. Like, that was something I had to do physically and having the drone over there was like being in two places at once!

I was shooting at you with a tazer, not my pistol. I didn't want you dead, I just wanted you not awake. I actually snipe people and use a variety of guns when I need to. I prefer not to, but that's not how the world works all the time. So it's that or grenade launchers, not that those are hard to really shoot right once you understand physics.

Yeah, I'm just happy with my boyfriend. Sometimes we get into arguments over which Aliens movie was the best one.

*finger guns*

Oh wow... That sounds pretty... neat but also terrifying? I bet your religious stuff is more interesting than what I know about. You being all not-a-human as you are.

 

[He frowns.] It's not the gruesome parts that interest me, it's the implications of a non-transforming species being able to successfully learn to manipulate a 'body' so far off their natural model, and what your neurology must look like. Adaptus, if more than one helmsman can be wired together to power and direct a single ship, we might even be able to learn something about how combiners should work! But I'm a surgeon, not a complete monster.

 

Really? Huh. Thought you 'woke' activist types disapproved of most murder-type things, but I guess you're not too different from the rest of DedSec, are you? Obnoxious fuckers. Bet you tip like shit too, which is something people need to do less. If you tip your waiter and your barber, why wouldn't you tip your fixer? Fucking ingrates.

Besides, you never explained the toys. Just cried about it when I shot them. Like, what, was I supposed to divine that they were important somehow? I've seen you guys in the field before, you'd get distracted by a butterfly if it flew close enough. And it was bright pink. Practically screamed 'shoot me, shoot me now', honestly.

 

I mean, depends on what's interesting to you? I'm not a priest or anything but I can give ya the crash course if you want.

 

god damn it
i was specifically trying not to volunteer you but ok
dont get all frothy about this man
think of your blood pressure dont you already ruin that enough
like please step off if it starts to rustle your jimmies too much i have paps and im not afraid to use them

[he waggles his fingers threateningly]

 

What. We don't use fixers, like I said. We're not attached to the DedSec anywhere else, not anything but in name loosely. We've got a brand down here. I mean, my point of view is that if people are going to be trying to fucking kill me then I'll kill them back before they do it if I can't incapacitate them.

I mean, I was also in the middle of hacking something. I should have explained I guess but I assumed that after the second time you would have figured out that it was mine. I don't get distracted in the field, unlike other hackers I know I do not have attention issues.

Yeah, it's funny. Down in San Fran it's almost easier to blend in if you're brightly colored, most people think the drones are toys or just don't look at them. I tried making them black for a bit and everyone caught on that they were something 'bad'. I'm sure it's not like that everywhere, but San Fran... People have just accepted the colors.

Nah, I'm sure it's interesting but I'm more of a uh... Science guy. Not super into religion, not unless it's in movie form.

 

Yeah ok I hope a zombie eats the dev team's collective nuts. How do you make a shitty timewaster even worse???

 

I mean I'm sure in some temple of Adaptus you'd get horrified blackouts for saying science isn't religious but I getcha :P

 

I hate that city, you know that? It's the worst. Like Chicago's a shithole and don't even get me started on Pittsburgh and Vegas, but I fucking hate San Francisco. It's worse than Miami, and that's saying a lot, because I fucking hated Miami too. You people need to stop living in horrible places.

Or don't. That's on you. But don't come crying to me when your horrible city falls into the fucking ocean or burns to the ground again, because you deserved it for living there in the first place. All of you.

 

[:c]

... Just kidding. That sucks.

 

*Just starts laughing* Oh my god you have so many opinions on so many people, man. Do you not just... chill? Like? Smoke some fucking pot? Think for a moment 'Ah, people can in fact enjoy things that I don't without me being hypercritical of them in order to prove that I do, indeed, have the biggest dick in the room'?

Like, I enjoy San Fran because it's a hotbed of LGBTQ activity and acceptance. It's home to Silicon Valley. I get that it's not for everyone, but my god you are such an old man yelling at a cloud right now.

 

[karkat raises his eyebrows]

THE WHOLE THING IS GRUESOME, YOU GODDAMN CHUCKLEFUCK. YOU DON'T JUST GET TO SAY "I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THIS BUT WITHOUT ANY OF THE AWFUL BAGGAGE STRAPPED ONTO IT." THE BAGGAGE HAS GROWN TENDRILS AND PLUNGED THEM, LIKE A PARASITE, INTO EVERY ASPECT OF HELMING. IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL.

ANYWAY. IT'S PRETTY MUCH JUST THE ONE DUDE PER SHIP, I THINK. THE MORE POWERFUL THE PSIONIC THE BIGGER A SHIP THEY GET TO FUEL, WHAT AN HONOR. I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'D LEARN MUCH FROM US, BESIDES MAYBE "HOW TO SQUASH REBELLIONS AND USE PERSONHOOD AS A REWARD TO BE EARNED"

I'D GIVE YOU A PEEK INSIDE MY PAN, BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY A STANDARD MODEL TROLL *OR* A PSIONIC, SO EVEN IF IT WERE POSSIBLE YOU'D PROBABLY LEARN A WHOLE LOT OF JACK AND SHIT. AND MAYBE SOME NEW SWEAR WORDS?

(IF YOU PAP ME IN PUBLIC AFTER I JUST GOT DONE MAKING FUN OF WIGGLER'S FIRST FUMBLING ATTEMPTS AT BLACKROM, I'LL JUST FALL OVER AND DIE. GOODBYE, KARKAT, HE TRIED BUT HE JUST COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH HUMAN ANTICS).

BUT ANYWAY! YES, YOU OVERPROTECTIVE SACK OF WRITHING BULGES, I PROMISE I WILL ONLY WORK MYSELF UP INTO AN ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF RAGE. DOES THIS QUELL THE FEARS IN YOUR FRAGILE PUSHER?

 

[He narrows his eyes, then sips at his scotch.]

Uh-huh. You've been brainwashed by the terrible weather, that's what this is. Terrible weather is getting you to shill for it using 'gay rights' as its choice of propaganda. I'm onto you, humidity. And your buddy fog can fuck right off too.

 

I get it now. You were in a suit the whole time, weren't you? No wonder you hate it in San Fran. I've changed my mind: for someone like yourself whom I can't see ever taking his damn suit off this place is hell. You poor man, I bet you had the worst case of swamp ass.

If I sound sarcastic I'm not: I had to wear a suit for a little bit and without like at least short sleeves this city is death.

 

Aaaand we're back to the, what are we calling it, blackflirting? What, you wanna see me out my suit but you can't imagine it? Not an unfair assumption. I can see where you get that. Probably wouldn't have taken it off in front of you anyways, but I am interested in what you think is under it.

Do I have a six pack? I hope I have a six pack.

 

What?? I was just saying that I can't imagine you in fucking shorts and a t-shirt. Your suit is clearly tailored, clearly good quality, and you clearly take great pains to take care of your appearance. That's a dude that even with the worst swampass known to man goes "You know what? Fuck it. I hate myself and everyone in this godforsaken hell hole and I'm not going to wound my own pride and put on shorts like a sensible person".

 

I know you mean "humid asscrack" but having been ass-deep in actual literal swamps my mind went to the worst places. The bugs! The mud! The leeches!