shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

I would not put anything past this dude.

 

I'm not hearing the words 'six pack', and I'm a little hurt by that. Do my pecs look good at least? You can't imagine that I'm all twigs under thing, everyone does but I'm putting a little faith in you. Should I be taking the faith away?

Yeah, it's not great. Fantastic for making people disappear, fucking godawful for the person disappearing them. You know what? Let's just write the South off, shall we? I'm going to do that. It's not worth it.

Still not hearing 'six pack'.

 

And if you're trying to find someone in a bog there will be tears.

 

Are you five?

No you're not a fucking twig you nearly broke my arm. I'd say you're pretty built probably? I don't know? Also you're shorter than me so fuck you.

 

[flatly, deliberately exaggerating his accent]

how dare you

 

Like, I saw you lift an ENTIRE MAN and beat his ass with his own ass suit dude. Like... You cannot be anything but built???

 

Ugh. Absolutely not. If it's in the bog, it just means my job was done faster, by someone else, but I can still claim credit for it.

Hah! I knew you were watching. Enjoy the show?

Anyways, you'd be surprised how many people think that any guy in a suit is too thin to function. I blame the new James Bond movies, honestly. Not that Daniel Craig isn't a reasonably muscled man himself, but everyone knows that Hollywood muscle is just for show and if you're not built like a cartoon character, what kind of meat do you have on your bones, right?

Sorry, I don't speak hick. What is this guy saying? Can somebody translate?

 

If 'getting the piss scared out of me' is enjoying the show, sure.

Honestly you're probably right though? Let me tell you, people freak out if you're in a suit and show any level of athletic ability. I've had my fair share of screaming when I'm be-suited parkouring across the city's rooftops because I don't want to deal with the ground-bound racists.

"Is that man going to kill himself? Is he going to jump?"
Yes bitch, to the next rooftop.

 

It's the white-collar shit all over again. Not that I mind, actually, means people aren't expecting it when I break them, but it's got a certain set of standards that people associate and 'thin as a rake and half as good at fighting' seems to be one of them.

You'd be better at it without the fetish gear, you know. Fighting. You rely on toys too much.

 

It's not... It's based on a self defense art, just my take on it. Like, I'm pretty damn good at fighting but apparently not you. Because you're like... *Siska Voice* The Fixer: That Dude That Can Kill You Ten Ways With Just One Hand.

*Normal voice* I ain't about that shit, I just take 'em down and knock 'em out.

 

Oh you-- Oh, you do impressions now too. That's cute. Real cute. Is that your Siska guy, the one who makes the shitty movies you fawn over? Still doesn't explain the ball gag. Where does the self-defense come in? What do you do if you meet a masochist?

 

I've always done that. Like, yes, it's Siska. It's not a ball gag, it's a fucking five pound metal ball on a chain. I swing it around and crack a motherfucker's skull open if they try and jump me. Or I choke them out with the chain. Or I kick them in the gut and slam the ball into their head. Really it's useful for all sorts of shit. I can't tell if you're like trying to piss me off with this or if you really think it's some kind of ball-gag for a dude with a mouth as big as half his entire head.

 

HE WANTS A RIDE TO THE RODEO, HIS HOOFBEAST HAS A BUM LEG

 

I used to do search and rescue. We prefer to find them alive, but sometimes they decide to Steve Irwin a gator like a dumbass and there's no helping that.

(Not that we look too close if we find a bog body. Most got put down as gator chow. The morgue can correct us if they want to, we've got other shit to do.)

I had my boss straight-up tell me they'd never find my body if I didn't stop being a curious shit. We don't go digging on a search unless we find an Obvious Shallow Grave; your only real trouble is getting a shovel in.

 

[now he has a cowboy hat on, and is wearing this shirt]
yallve severely underestimated my dedication to this bit

cultural appropriation

 

Nope, still not registering. Might be too much crossover with redneck.

I'm hearing 'cowfucker' but I'm hoping it's not true. Riding the bull taken a little too far.

 

-Wuya looks around, tapping her chin.-

This... is a dream.

 

i have never seen an irl cow in my entire life
except in passing during drives but i dont think that counts or else the whole damn country would be cowfuckers

yes
welcome to the party

 

What's with the pajamas?

 

what jammies
you mean my signature look?
means im a god and my domains time
if you didnt somehow psychically discern that i own a pair of god jimjams and are referring to my current duds i ask instead
in what world is this hot mess pjs

[dave is currently wearing texas merch and a pair of extremely tight jeans]