shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

...i'd rather not. my actual name is juice.

 

That's a terrible thing to name a child. I love it.

 

Yes, it helped me get into position as the CIO. I mean, I haven't run into any problems with him. He's one of the best fixers on the market though, fuck if I'm paying for his ass. If I wanted half my city destroyed I'd just use the tool.

 

man floridas on a whole other level its like
off doin its own thing out in the ocean
yes texas no dallas i crash landed directly in scenic downtown houston
turns out i was too weird for austin actually
they couldnt handle one man singlehandedly keeping their slogan alive
its supposed to be a group effort says the mayor as he hands me a complimentary t shirt and sends me on my merry way

aw yeah need me my juice fix
[he sticks the straw in the box and drinks it very noisily. slurrrrrp]

[dave lets out an uncharacteristically loud snortgiggle. finally, someone else is dumber about interpersonal stuff than he is]

 

There is no taming the homolust Fam.
MY raging ladYboner for other girls cannot be contained.
Trust Me I've tried.

 

Yeah, I'm not simpering. Look me up though, you might get to meet him anyways. I mean, unless I've tried to kill him already. That might be a problem. Probably not though, not unless you managed to avoid the whole massive blackout thing. Or is that how he got you in?

Blackout wasn't his fault, not completely, but the other fuck's dead so hey! The living get the blame. It's convenient how that works out.

Oh, you tanked everyone else's participation grade. No wonder you went and got yourself kicked out. Houston's a respectable city though, it's got actual buildings instead of whatever the fuck Florida's pretending like it has, so you get a pass. You're urban enough.

Jesus christ could you be any more annoying? I take it back. You've lost your street cred.

 

...actually, i picked up as a nickname from constantly peddling the juiceboxes...i liked it better than my old name, so i'm sticking with it.

 

The Blackout just showed them that they weren't being security conscious enough and that maybe the little hacker they caught and forced to work for them could actually be good for something! Whoops he saved all his money and bought out over half the company's shares! Look at that he's a CEO.

From what I understand he wouldn't take contracts out on someone like me, too high profile or something. Something, something, blah blah emotions blah. I don't really know, don't really care. Might have run into you before, who knows. Probably not, most of the fucks that try to go for me like to act like they're helping people by being against 'the man'.

 

[Five more eyes appear on Peeps's face just so it can blink with them.]

I mean. There's worse. There's that one person I know whose name is designed to break any database it's inputted in. But to be fair they also picked it themselves. They're a bit paranoid.

 

Don't drink the embalming fluid.

 

Huh. Still a terrible thing to name a child. If I ever find one, that's what I'm naming it. Have you ever considered using your big people voice?

Funny. The whole thing, I guess, I tuned out around the time you started talking about shares and stocks and mergers and whatever it is you big business types like to ramble on about. I don't usually get hired to take out the Big Guys because the people who can afford that are Big Guys themselves, and there's better ways to knock out the competition.

Or so I've been told. Mostly I don't take cheap contracts, and everyone who tries to hire me for that sort of nonsense is very cheap.

Me? No, no no no, I'd be feeding it to someone else. Sounds like a fun time for everyone, but mostly me.

 

i could be more annoying yeah
i spent three years on a meteor with nothing to entertain myself with but good luck chuck and tormenting the other sorry souls stuck with me its an art form and i have perfected it bitch

and i dont need street cred the good strider name is baller enough on its own
i call it dave cred

 

That's fair, it's all boring shit anyway.

I don't care about my competition, I just care about the little mosquitos trying to bite me on the dick or something. Fucking pissy ass hacker types, having to deal with these ~Daves~ and ~DedSec~ lately and it's pissing me off.

 

Veroandi: "Hey Dura, your face has gone all red and you're burning up! Lemme check if you're coming down with a fever."


Durapror: "NO, I'M FINE. PERFECTLY FINE."


Uror: "The hilarious part is that this isn't even our only case of both parties being entirely unable to spit it out!"


-As if on cue, Kormt and Skuld conspicuously attempt to sneak glances at the other, but accidentally make eye contact while doing so and turn away from each other, blushing. Kormt starts to fidget with her bell, while Skuld begins squeezing a fireball around in his hands.-

 

This is a generic PSA brought to you by "for fuck's sake snakemom, stop trying to drink the embalming fluid."

-her voice is resoundingly hollow, and she doesn't even crack a smile. There's not even any audible emotion talking about snakemom. She could probably pass for possessed, with the grey skin, yellow sclera, and the horns. Which have conspicuous (to other trolls) gold decoration, when she's clearly a Dangerously Red rustblood-

 

...no, talking at a normal volume gives me a sore throat...i've got 'landeau for when i need someone to yell at people

 

Yo.

 

This is the weirdest dream I've had in ages. Why all the aliens?

 

latent xeno fetish
your subconscious wants my pasty ass