shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[Lonan] Claws off the mech. I don't need a giant robot to weld your face to your ass.

 

[a challenger has arrived! he looks pretty much exactly the same as dave, but he doesn't have shades on and his eyes are rose-lalonde-lavender. he is also wearing black slacks, a purple button-down shirt, and a dark grey vest with his record symbol on it. every fiber of his being is oozing with smug. he waves]

can't say anything on the strider front, but i can attest to the sick-nastiness of daves everywhere, my dude.
you're one hell of a remix, though. no offense, but rose is way scarier than you are. if you're the baseline earth of strider swag, rose is has left the fucking atmosphere and transcended the very concept of cool itself

anyway, i'm being hells of rude, not introducing myself and shit. dave lalonde, at your service but don't actually ask, i'm a busy guy. where are we? shit, lmao, don't tell me fucking around with astral projection actually worked, that shit's more nonsense than crystals

 

-suddenly tentacles!-

Depends on what crystals and what you're using them for. Protip: anyone who tells you to stick them up your ass is notably full of shit.

-congrats mr lalonde you now have a terrifying death goddess snarking about crystals at you and looking very amused, like watching a silly cat do silly cat things. how cute-

 

no, see, you put them just... right up your ass and it gets them closer to your central life force. makes the effect more potent, duh. assuming you don't lodge them up there like you're hoping to introduce them to your internal organs, obviously. pointy rocks and kidneys don't play nice together

that just mucks everything up and an er trip voids the warranty

 

[and trailing after purple dave is pink karkat, who is taller, thinner, and slightly more visibly muscular than original flavor karkat, along with the usual seadweller accessories. his horns are bigger too. he's wearing what looks like a gray wetsuit with a black top over it; the top has little coattails hanging off it, because every karkat's fashion sense is an affront to god. the tiara is a finishing touch to what is Certainly A Look]

YOU'RE AWARE OF WHAT MY LUSUS WAS, RIGHT? WHAT PART OF THAT HARROWING TALE MADE YOU THINK THAT SASSING A HORRORTERROR WAS A GOOD IDEA?? EVEN IF THIS ONE LOOKS HALF-HUMAN, THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S FAIR GAME TO FUCK WITH. YOU'RE SMARTER THAN THAT. SERIOUSLY. SEA-RIOUSLY.

[he says the pun with all the humor of a man walking to his execution]

 

[Aralia:] The hole you came through! It's easier to get home when you remember where the holes are. D'you know where the oni is? We can go tell him about trees--

[Laeto, calling over from where he's still talking to Karkat:] Atta said no portals that go anywhere but here!

[Aralia, in a whiny tone of voice more suiting a four-year-old than a giant robot:] But trees!

[Laeto, apparently done bothering his brother:] This place is fun, though? Except when everyone starts yelling. And we've never been anywhere but space! What's vomit?

[Excite birbs! The twins greet the larger mech in stereo:] Hi! You're shiny!

 

LOOKS MORE LIKE 100% PURE GUN, BUT I'M GATHERING THAT'S PROBABLY SYNONYMOUS WITH BADASS WHERE YOU'RE FROM, SO I'LL ACCEPT IT.

[karkat has just spotted Another Karkat and is looking his way with a hatred so intense it could melt solid steel. he's doing a remarkable impression of a dog who saw his own reflection and decided they would be Mortal Enemies]

FUN?? FUN????? THIS PLACE IS NOW FUCKING *EMPIRICALLY PROVEN* TO BE A HUMAN PUNISHMENT REALM, BECAUSE I'M IN HELL!
BUT HEY, IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT VOMIT IS I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE A DEMONSTRATION FOR YOU. RIGHT NOW, IN FACT, BECAUSE THE SIGHT OF *MY FACE* BETWEEN A PAIR OF FUCKING........PINK FINS???? IS THAT SMIRKING CLOWN TYRIAN? OH YEAH, I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO PUKE.

[and then karkat mimes upchucking all over himself with startling realism, except for the lack of any actual puke, until he flings himself onto the ground. he is one with this floor. this floor doesn't spit out fish karkats and expect him to be cool with it. the floor is his only friend. this was probably a bad explanation of vomit.]

 

nah man im outskies have fun with aunt hentai
something something funhouse mirror

 

[Laeto blinks, then crouches to gently poke Karkat.] Are you okay? Did your legs stop working?

 

YES, MY WALKSTRUTS HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT THERE ARE BONES IN THERE AND NOW I AM TRAPPED, FOREVERMORE.

LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE, HIS HIGHNESS OVER THERE CAN COME DANCE ON MY CORPSE IF HE FEELS SO INCLINED

 

[his highness looks a little pouty]

THAT'S KIND OF FUCKING PRESUMPTUOUS, DON'T YOU THINK? I'M ALL FOR LOWBLOOD EQUALITY! ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS A MUTANT, SO THERE.

 

[Laeto, pouting:] Not leaving anyone to die. Caer said.

[Aralia:] What's lowblood? And how do you only know one mutant? Organics mutate a lot.

 

TOO FUCKING LATE, I'VE EXPIRED! THIS IS MY SPIRIT, CONTACTING YOU FROM THE AFTERLIFE TO INFORM YOU THAT I'M READY FOR THE RIGOR MORTIS JIG TO BE PERFORMED ATOP MY BODY. IT IS A TRADITION OF MY PEOPLE AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU IF IT ISN'T DONE.

IF YOU ASK THAT GUY ABOUT THE CASTE SYSTEM ANYMORE I'M GOING TO BEAT MYSELF TO DOUBLE-DEATH WITH MY OWN SHOE. HE'S *ROYALTY,* LOOK AT THOSE ABHORRENT FINS. YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO ASK ROYALTY ABOUT THE SYSTEM THEIR ANCESTORS HELPED ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE WITH AN IRON FIST.

 

OH! ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP. MY SPECIES HAS DIFFERENT BLOOD COLORS, SEE? SMALLER, UGLIER ME HAS RED BLOOD, YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE HIS EYES HAVE FILLED IN. MY BLOOD IS TYRIAN PINK, WHICH MEANS I'M AT THE TOP OF THE SPECTRUM, WHICH GOES FROM WARM-RUST ALL THE WAY UP TO ME. TECHNICALLY, OTHER ME ISN'T ON THE SPECTRUM AT ALL. BUT THAT'S OK!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I'M GOING TO PILOT THE SS FUCK THIS SHIT DIRECTLY INTO THE CONCEPT OF THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND SMASH IT INTO A FINE RAINBOW POWDER, IT'LL BE AWESOME. I ONLY KNOW ONE MUTANT LIKE *THAT* BECAUSE WE CULLED ALL OF THEM. NOT VERY WELL, EVIDENTLY! HA, HA. UGH. I KNOW ANOTHER MUTANT, BUT HE'S A PSIONIC SO THAT'S LESS "CULLWORTHY OFFENSE" AND MORE "OH, WEIRD"

NOT THAT *I* THINK IT'S WEIRD.

 

[In stereo:] What's royalty?

[Laeto:] And what's wrong with iron? Iron's tasty!

[Aralia, with all the seriousness of a small child repeating a Very Important Rule:] Explosions are only for when Nichy says, they're dangerous. [Right back to cheerful smol:] But rainbows are great!! Rainbow powder sounds so cool, I bet caer could make some for you!!!

 

Did Your Lusus Not Tell You Not To Assume Because Of What Its Spelled Like?
Now If We Go Ahead And Do Assume The Very Likely Explanation For Why Im Not Currently Curled Up In A Half Ruined Abandoned Hivestem Eating A Fellow Lunatic With A Rusty Splinter Hoping I Die In The Merciful, Tender Embrace Of Food Poisoning, That Still Doesnt Mean I Have To Be Okay With Some Twee Bullshit Nickname That Sounds Like A Wiggler Who Just Discovered The Fucking Beauty Of Alviolar And Labial Consonants.

Thats Great I Still Dont Like The Word. Use Troll Or Alternian If The Simple Elegant Solutions Of "Alien" "Horned Grey Genocidal Fucks" Or "Those People" Offend Your Sensibilities That Much.
Also Who The Fuck Are You And Why Do You Look Like M Matesprit?

 

Wait, why are we calling people douchebags again?
?_?

 

"...why exactly w0uld farrat take pride in alternian traditi0ns given that alternian traditi0ns were pr0bably g0ing t0 kill us?" Silima shrugs. "l00k its nice t0 talk t0 0ther alternians because there are things that n0b0dy else can get. but if farrats taken t0 d0ing things the pennarine way i d0nt blame him."

Did that just come out of her mouth.

Yes.

Yes it did.

 

"i didnt kn0w we ever st0pped?"

 

Yeah, but usually I don't get told it's the politically correct option!
^_^