shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

equius my man
if you give me dangly bits for my birthday i will be forced to kick you in yours
just so you know
its nothing personal just on principle

 

Boring. In Troll Scandinavia We Still Know How A Proper Celebration Works. But Fine If Youre Going To Be Like That.
[She pulls a loose grey robe made mostly of slightly mismatched rough patches (In various faded patterns and textures) out of thin air and pulls it on with an air of amusement.]

 

-Surprise. It's a giant pilot-able crab mech. Complete with claws for arms and everything. It remains inert.-
D --> You have repeatedly e%pressed dismay at your lack of combat ability
D --> You have also repeatedly e%pressed your disgust when I have offered you glasses of Aurthour's milk in order to make you STRONGER
D --> I have now instead built you a Crustacean Operable Weapon to aid you in the circumvention of your inferiority comple%

D --> I see
D --> It seems that I was nearly the victim of a practical joke

 

-crawls up behind her and yanks on her robe-
Tellstories.

 

[Chroma startles, hissing a little, but quickly composes herself.]
The Robe Probably Smudged The Symbols.
[She shows the smudged soot shackle symbol on her right palm and the green smudged Leo on her left.]
But I Could Tell Another Story.

 

-curls herself into a strange ball of bony, scarred limbs next to Chroma and stares at her expectantly-

 

:33 *Nepeta pounces in* Happy wriggling day Karkitty!

 

IN TROLL SCANDINAVIA YOU MUST ALL HAVE LOST A TRULY TRAGIC AMOUNT OF FINGERS AND OTHER ASSORTED EXTREMITIES FOR THE SAKE OF STORYTELLING

[oh no, the crab man, he is getting emotional]
I'M, WHAT THE FUCK, THIS IS LIKE A GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL... THING???

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D USE IT FOR, SINCE WE'RE DONE FIGHTING, HOPEFULLY FOREVER. BUT.
MAN, WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS LEGITIMATELY AN EXCELLENT GIFT EVEN IF I'D PROBABLY GET MYSELF KILLED TRYING TO DO SICK STUNTS WITH IT.
JESUS.
UH.
THANK YOU, EQUIUS, THIS IS COOL AS HELL

HI, NEPETA, WELCOME TO THE PARTY
THE PARTY IS A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS SITTING AT A TABLE AND MARVELING THAT I MANAGED TO LIVE THIS LONG
TRULY WE ARE A WILD BUNCH

 

[She curls her hands over the smudged paints again, then shakes them, vanishing the paints. Instead there's a cross on one of her palms and a stylized anchor on the other, both in pitch black now. Chroma sits down crosslegged, holding the painted palms up next to her head as she speaks:]

Once Long Ago In The Age Before Great Alternia Took To The Skies Two Mountain Ranges Were Inhabited By Rivals, Pitch As Night, Fierce And Hateful. One Scarred And Sharp, Fluttery Fins And Arms Hung With Strings Of Fools Gold While Her Fish Lusus Circled Her Ankles As She Ruled The Spring Born From Her Mountain With Claws And Teeth Sharp As The Anchor Resting On Her Shoulders. The Other Dark And Powerful, Nimble Fingers Carving Many Tools From The Flint She Gathered As Her And Her Wolf Lusus Prowled The Forests Around The Caves She Kept Hold Of. Between Their Territories Lay A Deep, Deep Chasm And They Could Never Do More Than Snarl At Eachother As Alternia Herself Knew That Their Furious Hatred For Eachother Would Wreak Havoc Should They Ever Meet.
Yet Both Of Them Persevered In Wanting To Meet. But No Bridge Held Firm Enough To Cross The Chasm And It Was To Long To Walk Around And Too Deep To Climb Down And Up The Other Side. In Their Frustrations They Screamed Their Fury At The Chasm And An Ancient Terror At Its Bottom Answered Their Pleas: "I Am Ravenous," It Called, "And The Task You Wish Accomplished Is Great. Bring Me A Hundred And Eleven Warriors To Feast On Their Strengths And I Shall Unite You In Hatred Forevermore."
And So The Two Queens Of The Mountainrange Set Out To Hunt, Fools Gold Holding Court With Sweet Promises And Gentle Enticements In Her Spring, And Flintstone Ranging Farther And Farther From Her Mountain. Great Warriors From Far And Wide Responded To Their Challenges And They Fought Each And Everyone Of Them, Forcing Them Into The Chasm With Vicious Force Born From The Passion Of Their Hatred. After Fifty Five Duels From Each Of Them, They Were Challenged By A Strong Psionic On A Birdlusus Of Giant Size, Who Was Determined To End The Fight Once And For All And He Hovered On His Lusus' Back Above The Chasm And He Talked To Them, Trying To Calm The Vicious Fighters Down, Alas To No Avail. In Fact In Their Fury And Determination, Both Fool's Gold And Flintstone And Their Lusii Took A Great Run And Jumped Up High, To Attack The Troll Clothed In Ashen Grey And They All Collided Above The Chasm And Hurtled Down Into Its Depths-

[She puts her palms together with a clap]

And The Terror Of The Chasm Roared In Victory As It Consumed All Three Of Them And It Pulled Mightily On The Earth Of Great Alternia Until The Chasm Disappeared And The Two Mountains Collided, Bursting Fire And Heat And Great Plumes Of Poisonous Noxious Smoke. And The Rock Changed Under The Power Of Their Fury And Hatred And Became Silver Poison. And At The Foot Of The Mountain Stood A Single Troll With A Giant Lusus Curled Around Them. Their Horns Sparkled With Psionics As Did The Fur Of The Chimeric Monster Several Stories Tall. Their Hair Was Unruly Like Feathers, Their Skin Like Flint And Their Eyes Like Fools Gold And On Their Palms In Pitch Black Was A Symbol.

[She shows her palms again, both of them show a new symbol now]

Spoiler: The symbol in question

 

-the skinny helmstroll is transfixed by the story, rocking slowly side to side as she listens, pupilless eyes huge and fascinated. Once Chroma is finished she crawls forward and presses herself up against Chroma's side, humming softly-

 

[Chroma goes very very still]
The Fuck Do You Think Youre Doing?
[Her voice is a lot more quiet and less rough than it usually would have been]

 

Stayhere now. Goodstory. Youwin.

 

Oooookay. You Do Know That I Have More Quadrants Than Can Shake A Stick At Right?
[That's a helmstroll uniform though and she's fairly sure that if she somehow remembers any of this and hears from this one when they start sabotaging the fleet... yeah there'd be no way she wouldn't personally make sure she got out of her ship in one piece.]

 

Crewtalk about quadrants so much. Somuch. -blows a raspberry- Boringboringboringboring.

 

:33 *Nepeta giggles and plops herself at the table*
And befur I furget, here´s your purresent!
*It is a book of blank shipping charts*
For mewr romances!

 

[She shrugs]

Do You Have A Fucking Problem With The Traditional Method Of Solo Storytelling Where I Come From Being Adapted To Different Tales?

 

N9, I have a pr96lem with the 96vi9us 9riginal intent 9f that st9rytelling.

 

... The Millenia Old Tradition Of Representing Characters With Signs?
[She does not get it. If anything the tale she told the crazed helmstroll is older and more traditional than the (Sufferist) one she had wanted to tease Karkat with]

 

She isn't a "character".