shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Sure. Whatever.

 

... the love thing. The joke. I dunno.

*church, using his ai powers, plays back a recording of jack*

*plays it back by literally becoming the recording*

*no more church body, it's all holographic recording of jack now*

*flips back to church*

That.

 

[Slides over in the most awkward, clumsy way possible.] I would enjoy a drink, me, Handsome Jack. Because I like to drink. Because I am Handsome Jack. Me. Handsome Jack.

[Nailed it.]

 

[He pours this totally definitely Handsome Jack guy a drink, straight whiskey, then slides the glass over to him.]

Say your name three more times, I don't think I caught it. Does it work on Beetlejuice rules?

 

Ah. Right. Yeah, love is difficult and honestly a stupid, unnecessary emotion. I've felt it plenty of times, don't get me wrong, and I can and will feel it again. But I'd honestly prefer not to. But, love is funny like that, right? It doesn't really let you chose what or who you end up loving.

[Jack laughs.]

I can practically feel the cogs turning in your head, sweetheart. No, I can't tell you if I love you just yet. Can't tell you if I will. You'll just have to stick with it to find out. But -

[He's shrugging now.]

- if you don't think it's worth it, that's fine to. I'm not going to force you to stay. Just know I think it'd be a dick move to leave if you want to figure out if I can love you or not. Not to me, for you. You'll never know that way. Hell, I'll never know.

 

Lissa looks sidewise at Omega. "Do you change because of what they did to you? And were you a wolf, first? I thought you were just a natural shapeshifter."

 

Ford flushes. "Sorry, I got distracted by the ruckus with my wife's familiar. I can see how that could work. I just worry about people who are asked to make promises, because people's needs change over time. You were fine with it, but you wouldn't be now."

 

No, I could turn before. I wasn't a born wolf, I was turned, but I was turned for what I am. Made me a bomb for wolf packs, so I don't join packs. I can fake where I am in the pack bond, then I can just use the magic-- Link of the bond? Psychic I guess? I kill their brains.

*He looks a bit sad for a moment before frowning*

I don't join packs. I'm broken. I can also make electricity run over my fur as wolf, which is how I got out... It was bad. I destroyed the place, better they die than suffer.

 

[In true Handsome Jack fashion, he tries to down it in one go, but ends up coughing, making a face at the taste. Ew. He turns to Jordi, and speaks in the driest, most unamused tone.] Aha ha ha. I am Handsome Jack, fear me bandits. Your death brings me pleasure.

[Then, quietly and with actual emotion.] What's Beetlejuice?

 

-Guy in his late teen or early twenties appears, looking a bit dazed. Next to him are a white wolf and a hip high metal sphere that turns to look at everyone-
Ugh. Megan? Megan can you hear me?
-the wolf looks around, cautious but not hostile-

 

*smiles softly* I can do that. Stick with it. I want to stick with it.

... I just... I feared that you... I was scared that I was nothing to you. And by "nothing," I mean nothing, not just that you weren't in some great love with me already. Nothing. Nada. Zero. No potential, no anything, just... someone you'd play with and throw away and never even imagine doing more with. And that... that was terrifying...

 

OH FUCK ITS SUPERBOY COMICS

 

Good.

[He pauses.]

Unknowns and potentials are always scary. Especially when they can hurt you. I'm not going to say whatever's going on between us is the end all do all, but I wouldn't call you nothing either. 'Sides, people I just 'throw away' tend to be one night stands more than relationships, ya' feel?

 

Promises? What promises? It's not like anyone vowed celibacy for life, just for as long as you worked in the temple as a priest. It's like how medics have to clean their hands a lot. No one expects that from them while they aren't actively being medics, but you also really don't want a medic flaking paint chips into an open wound and make the fuel that remains inside of you also toxic because you didn't have enough problems.

 

It's a movie and also a TV show. Guy's a boogeyman or something, say his name three times and he shows up to fuck up your whole life or something. I dunno, been years since I watched it. You want something a little lighter there, champ?

[He sips at his own whiskey and grins. New Target Acquired.]

 

"Fair enough, then," says Ford, though he's not sure it is; it's a place to start from, anyway. There are catte temples like that, where it's a real-world safety thing and not some bullshit about people being children--but the cattes who work there have multiple career options, and they can do whatever they want when they're not running energy.

 

What? No! I can handle this! I'm Handsome Jack! I - I drink alcohol for breakfast, I put it in my cereal. [He takes another drink to punctuate his point. He again chokes on it.]

 

Yeah, right, sure. Listen, Jackie, you know that there's harder stuff that doesn't hit your lungs like a truck, right? Of course you do, you're-- what was it-- Handsome Jack, right. You sure you don't want to show off that rampant alcoholism on something a little kinder than whiskey?

 

Hi, Con- I mean, Superboy!!

[Robin pops up out of nowhere. Where was he hiding? We may never know. -We know. He's not as smooth as he thinks he is.-]

 

-looks around, with resting bitchface glare firmly in place- Yeah? Wait, how do you know that?