shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"This guy" is also a billions-of-years-old demigod of spacetime, so perhaps not the best example if you're trying to prove a point.

They do that sometimes. 1005.23's got punched out of orbit by a mortal.

 

Primax 1005.23 Gamma's, I should say, my apologies for the vagueness. Distractions, you know? [He gestures vaguely at the maybe-half-a-frog.]

 

Heck, all you need is a big enough explosion.

 

Alright, less intrigued, but I'll allow it.

Yeah, but that's icing, the whole of the cake is still there. Which is that there's totally pages.

 

That sounds like a good story.

-his stance gets more defensive-
I don't go into business with anyone without a real thorough background check, sorry to tell you.

I don't know who the hell you think you are to tell me how to run my shit.

 

*Melts further.* Yeah, I do. Yeah, you'd come get me. I'd come get you, but I don't think that'd be an issue.

 

Yeah, it was one of those Korean ones. Really giving Telemundo a run for their money, there.

It's sweet that you offered though. Fucking adorable. [So many scritches.]

 

*Loud purring, limp noodle increase.*

 

Explosions and punching have different visual impact on the spread, especially when the one doing the punching used to come up to about my ankle.

A great many things have pages, from one point of view or another.

 

I only sell weapons to villains that my idiot professor Dr. Flugg makes. All you need to know is that I am successful and that I do not betray business partners.

 

"All you need to know" isn't exactly a phrase that inspires confidence in your reliability, nutlet, especially in people who make paranoia into a day job.

 

[Scritches turn into fullscale pettins. Which looks a bit odd when Jordi's petting a grown man, but hey, he doesn't care.]

Oh hell, it's like the song. I hate that song.

 

Song? Jog my memory? Or don't, if you hate it so much, there's just so many...

 

well that sounds like an erotic sleepytime experience
oh no i sure hope no tentacles explore my tender orifices while i am asleep and unguarded
that would be a damn shame

anyway
i never met your brother but he sounds like a real dick
just fucking deal with the problem
i mean i know im kinda being a hypocrite here but cmon

[after a moment, soul!dave starts to go kind of shimmery and faint at the edges, and corpse!dave begins to glow]

i guess the uh
big cosmic clock in the sky has decided this death dont count
see you on the flipside ya big purple weirdo

 

You know, when you say shit like that? It just screams 'take my money and then kill me anyways'.

The-- you know what? I don't want to remember it. So I'm going to go ahead and say that song doesn't exist, so there. It's probably one of the ones that's shit, if it existed.

 

*Is he kneading with his hands? He sure is. He rumbles happily and mashes his face against Jordi's neck again. *

 

"'My idiot professor' is not a big winner either." Stan shrugs. "'Less we're talkin' about my nerdy bro, and then if you're not me you better be smilin' or part of the family or both."

 

Okay, so...

A long time ago, like... 570 years, I think? I didn't pay much attention to the dates. Anyway, our King was really angry at humans for reasons I don't really know. So he ordered the creation of my species, the hekatonkheires. There were 5 eggs to start with. The first egg contained the first A-type, Deivas. The second contained the first B-type, Lauma. The third contained the first C-type, Velns. The fourth contained the first D-type, Laima. And the fifth wasn't supposed to exist at all, but that's the one that hatched first, revealing the very first hekaton, Perkons.

Spoiler: Long, discussion of genocide

Even though he was still small, Perkons was very strong and very protective. He didn't let anyone near the eggs of his siblings, not even our King. The King didn't like this, so he kept Perkons and the eggs in a small dark cell, surrounded by many soldiers. Every day the King would try something new to get the weapons he owned, and every day Perkons would fight him off. He killed soldiers, crushed tanks, and kept his siblings safe in his many many arms the entire time. But he was very young, and very tired, and one day he messed up.

When Deivas hatched, there was no sign of Perkons, and he and the eggs were in a small dark cell. Lauma hatched next, and then Velns, although Velns was taken away from his siblings right away, because he was too big and strong to be controlled. Finally Laima hatched, and Deivas protected his sisters the best he could, fighting off the soldiers who came to hurt them. Eventually a year or so passed, and Deivas and Lauma and Velns and Laima were adults, and they were taken to meet the King and learn about why it was important to kill the humans, and make more eggs, and grow strong. So they did so, because they couldn't disobey the King. That's why the King was a King.

Perkons came back, and Velns was free, and everything was great for a while. They weren't in a small dark cell anymore, and they were all together. And then Perkons killed Lauma. And then Perkons killed Velns (this is what makes the moon blow up by the way, Velns was biiiig.) And then Perkons thought he killed Laima. And then Perkons killed Deivas. But Deivas was very smart. When Lauma died, they all grieved, but when Velns died and the moon blew up, Deivas knew Perkons was going to kill them all. He took his mate Laima aside, and together they hatched a plan. Laima faked her death when Perkons came to kill her, and once he thought she was dead, she fled, taking the eggs and children and adult hekatons with her. Most of them. The ones she could. And when she went into hiding and Deivas didn't join her, she knew he was dead, and she grieved. But she did not come out of hiding, because Perkons would kill us all.

And that's how my home was founded! The end!

 

[Fucking adorable. Jordi's having a blast.]

Mmmm, I give it a good 7.5 out of 10. Nice twist, though the setup could use some work. You're really going places, kid!

 

Looking is something people do with their eyes not their hands, what are you, five? Keep your hands to yourself if you want to keep them.