shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

OK, THIS IS TRUE. WHY WORK TO DO SOMETHING I ALREADY EXCEL AT BY VIRTUE OF BREATHING?

 

It's not like you can get a job.

 

HOW WRONG YOU ARE!!

KARKAT'S GUIDE TO SUCCESS AS USELESS SCUM:

STEP ONE: HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE WAY BETTER AT SHIT THAN YOU ARE

STEP TWO: ACCIDENTALLY DESTROY THE UNIVERSE

STEP THREE: BE USELESS WHILE SAID FRIENDS MURDER THE LAST VESTIGE OF THE OLD REGIME AND EMPRESS

STEP FOUR: ???

STEP FIVE: CONGRATS, YOU NOW RULE 25% OF A KINGDOM

 

Oh! Then definitely don't turn to a life of crime.

 

YEAH, I DEFINITELY PREFER THE CUSHY JOB OF BEING A FIGUREHEAD, ALTHOUGH IT IS CERTAINLY TRUE THAT MY USEFULNESS HAS NOT INCREASED MUCH IF AT ALL

AND NEITHER HAS MY LIKABILITY. BUT OH WELL! I ASSOCIATE WITH TOO MANY ~MIGHTY AND POWERFUL~ GODS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS AN ISSUE TO BE ABLE TO DO SHIT ABOUT IT

 

I work for the entity that will one day devour my entire universe!

 

-criminal mutant high-five-

 

SOUNDS FUN! IF A LITTLE MORBID, BUT WHAT THE FUCK *ISN'T* MORBID WHEN YOU'RE US. WHAT IS THAT, SKY? A VAGUE REMINDER OF MY IMMINENT DOOM? THANKS.

MY B--MY DAVE CONTROLS TIME.

 

Yeah, I think at the end he has to eat himself to create a new universe or something. Pretty interesting!

 

THAT IS UNFORTUNATELY REMINISCENT OF MY WHOLE...SHITSHOW. I HAD A HAND IN MAKING A NEW UNIVERSE, BUT IT HAD WAY MORE FROGS AND WAY LESS AUTO-VORE?

PROTIP: DON'T TAKE SHORTCUTS WHEN HE'S DOING THAT. I GUESS IN YOUR CASE THAT MEANS GLEEFULLY NOM ON EVERY LAST PIECE OF ROBOT GRISTLE EQUIVALENT NO MATTER HOW FOUL THE TASTE. SKIPPING OUT ON THE NASTY BITS TO SAVE TIME CAUSES PROBLEMS.

 

If I'm alive when it happens I'm getting eaten too, but I'll pass that along.

 

ROLL AROUND IN A DELICIOUS MARINADE

 

So what did you fuck up in making a universe?

 

"I'm not sure it's possible not to fuck up when you make a universe," Ford says, returning with his catte (who is in a pink and purple sparkly party dress). "Consider how many little details there are. Consider how many different universes and dimensions there are in the multiverse, and how they all suck in some way or another, but it's fun to be alive anyway. Besides, that's how we get qliphoth."

 

Wow thanks for the lecture, Doctor, but I was talking to shouts horns here.

 

Ford shrugs and sets Lissa down.

 

EUGH.

I GAVE IT CANCER.

BUDDY, IT WAS MY *JOB* TO MAKE THE UNIVERSE--NOT TO LOVINGLY HAND-CRAFT EVERY SINGLE ATOM, BUT TO PROVIDE THE GENETIC FRAMEWORK FOR CREATION. AND I GOT LAZY, AND I SKIPPED STEPS, AND HAD I NOT BEEN A MONUMENTAL FUCKUP WHO WANTED TO BE DONE WITH IT ALL AND TOLD MY SPACE PLAYER TO HURRY IT THE FUCK ALONG. NONE OF THE HORRIBLE SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME AND MY FRIENDS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

MY NAME IS KARKAT

 

What's cancer?

I'm Lacuna.

 

COOL, NOW WE'RE INTRODUCED ALL PROPER AND SHIT SO THE TERRIBLE NICKNAMES DON'T HAVE TO BE A THING. SO! LACUNA.

IT'S LIKE. OK, I'M NO MEDICULLER? BUT IF PARTS OF YOU STARTED GROWING, ALL THE TIME, OUT OF CONTROL, BUT THE NEW GROWTH DIDN'T WORK LIKE THE REST OF YOU SHOULD. AND THEN EVENTUALLY THAT GROWTH DROWNS OUT A PART THAT YOU NEED TO KEEP FUNCTIONING AND YOU DIE.

THAT'S WHAT I GAVE THE UNIVERSE! SO I MADE A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS SOMETHING THAT WAS ALWAYS A TICKING TIME BOMB, AND PLAYED A PRETTY BIG PART IN MUCKING UP WHAT THEY NEEDED TO MAKE *THEIR* UNIVERSE. THAT'S ME! KARKAT, PROFESSIONAL DESTROYER OF GOOD THINGS. GOT SOMEONE YOU HATE? GIVE ME FIVE MEASLY MINUTES NEAR THEM AND INEVITABLY I WILL WORSEN THEIR LIFE.

IT'S MY SPECIAL CHARM!

 

Like... a hand gets really big or something?

So, you had to destroy two universes to get one functioning one? Or, what happened to your original universe?