Vent siggy is soggy

i understand what those tumblr posts saying to like, not expect people to be there 24/7 for you, and i shouldnt test them to leave me or not, or treat them as a therapist, i do get it.

and,,, honestly i agree, i do. i guess like? all i want is some communication/when i wanna share them something, i like, i guess i want them to reply back..

i know i try to not do this or i reply when i can but they,, never do. or,, idk.

i feel bad.

 

i just feel bad telling two people my troubles about one other person because i dont know what to do!! i hate being like this, i hate,,, really hate acting like this.,.

 

honestly i just?? i feel like they dont like me and,, i guess try to avoid me now. idk why?? i dont know why they would but i guess like..

i dont know.

im so afraid.

 

Im... trying to find things to make me happy but, it lastd.for like, a few hours at best before I feel like dying all over again.

Hhhah,,, i feel like a coward not killing myself if I'm in this much pain...

 

I just don't know how to stop feeling like tbis. I wanna stop feeling like I'm annoying and a bother. I wanna stop trying to show people I'm cool luke them and stop showing every single thing I have so i can be seen as cool...

I wanna stop... so so badly ;;

 

im so fucking useless all i do is whine and complain about bullshit.

im being a jealous asshole and being selfish when i dont get any attention but!! I also feel alone as heck!! :') im not apart of any group, or i dont feel apart of any group!! I feel bad even sharing anything of my work anymore without thinking im being selfish

because hahah!!! all ive done growing up is try to show people im cool!!! im fun to hang out with!! im not boring!!

But jokes on me!!! I am boring!! all I do is draw things for people so THEY can feel better! nothing matters about me! anything and everything about me doesn't matter! all i'm good for is making others happy! why should I even try to have some sort of attention when all it is is just hallow praise! my stupid comic is bland as hell and there's honestly nothing fun added to it :')))) why did i even try to do this?? I wasted nearly 3 years of my life for this comic and im not even half done with it!!! I can't even talk to my fucking friends anymore without feeling selfish and wanting to talk about my stuff/talk about something together!! but nah!!

im such an idiot, i should've killed myself years ago. im such a fucking coward.

 

im too afraid to even try to kill myself, i should just do it, i really should. i dont bring anything to anyone anymore.

 

No, you shouldn't. I understand where that thought is coming from, I have it a lot. But you aren't boring. Your friendgroup is being inconsiderate towards you and you don't deserve that. You are just as important as everyone else even when you don't feel like it at all. I think you're a cool person and to be perfectly honest, I'm a little jealous of your art! It's super adorable. I love your style.

For what it's worth, I notice you, and I see you as being just as valid as everyone else.

 

;;,,
i dont,, feel valid,, at all,,

ive repeated myself so many times, ive,, tried?? idk ive tried to get out of this mindset and im trying and it's like,, no matter how many people tell me im valid and suchi just,,, id ont know how to accept it cuz i feel like im asking for it now

;;

im sorry..

 

honestly i think,,,
one of the biggest factors is me and my gf lost interest in each other,, which i feel like,, part of it is me ignoring her because i was being selfish and putting a lot of my attention to someone else. and me realizing i had/have a crush on that other person too, unknowing if it was friendship related or romantic...

but honestly i just

i hate myself i want attention or like, want that person to tell me im not terrible but i feel like i annoy them. i annoy everyone with all my bullshit i can't do anything right,,

 

oh Same Awful Hat
i'm sorry. nobody deserves to feel like that. "can't do anything right" is brain saying incorrect things, you're not bad. and i really like your art

 

I don't think you're annoying. And if that person does, screw them. You're a really cool person. You deserve attention.

 

I talked to a friend and, i really did have a crush on this person and i crushed hard :'))

just,, everything is super onesided now. it used to not be but the other person theyre talking to just,,, idk. took all their attention and im very bitter and upset over this, cuz they met this year compared me knowing the person i crushed on for over a year or so.

im just... very upset.

the person i crushed on isnt mean, just... i wish i can tell them im upset at how onesided everything is to me, i try talking to them about things i know theyre interested in but they never reply at all. or when we do talk, it's mostly about their oc when i also wanna share my oc stuff too.

sigh.

these feelings amplify me wanting to die and amplify every other feelings i have.
im tired.

 

0 days since siggy said she wants to die, when will her nonsense end?

 

but for real i just... honestly wish i can tell them how onesided everything feels to me when i talk to them.

but that wont help anything either :))

cuz honestly they'll think im being selfish (which,, i feel like i am but all i want is just?? not to be tossed aside, but ohwell) or they wouldnt care i guess.

 

im sorry you're going through this siggy, but my instinct is really bluntly, loudly yelling: you deserve far better than this and shouldn't be stuck hoping for scraps. you deserve someone who cares as much as you do and then some. you deserve the moon, you're too sweet a person to be getting this bad of a card. :c i wish i knew how to help. but it doesn't sound like you're whining or complaining, this really sounds like it blows.

 

it blows so hard, it feels like im dying from the inside out and its hard to breathe.

thank u though,

 

i think one of the bigger annoyances i have is like... the moment i feel a little happy, thinking im getting better, it all crashes down on me harder and i dont know how to avoid that/be strong against it ;;

 

I knew trying to have a good day was a bad idea. Had bad belly anxiety all day and lol a thing happened so i guess I'll go fuck myself.